Just need to vent....

  1. All my life I wanted to be a Nurse. I worked as a laborer in various areas, was very good at what I did at every job, then decided what the heck, I'll give it a shot. With the support of my wonderful husband, I entered Nursing at our community college and got my RN a little over 2 years ago. Mostly, I love my job, but I feel as though I seriously have clinical depression. I have gained 50 pounds in the last 10 years, and if I gain any more, I will REALLY be frustrated! But, that can be fixed. I feel as though I am not as "smart" as the other RN's that I work with, (although I am intelligent to know that I would NEVER develop a "I know everything atitude") but I'm able to function well enough to provide safe patient care. My patients, for the most part, think I am wonderful, and that keeps me going. I do not sleep well, and I feel like all I do is work and sleep, anyway. I have discussed this with my Dr., I have been to a psychologist, who suggested that I divorce my husband (who is a well-functioning bi-polar patient, for the most part). I think that all they see is that I maintain a sense of humor about life and that I am able to do what I need to do to get by. I guess that what I'm saying is that I really feel let down; that life is very seldom a bowl of cherries. I spoke to my hubby, who was very surprised to hear that I feel this way. My youngest got married to a wonderful woman 3 months ago and my daughter is pregnant with my second grandchild; I should be thrilled to be alive, but I am not. I was really surprised to see that the psychologist didn't suggest that there might be a problem, but she has the degree and I do not. Am I making way to big of a deal here? I have a few friends, and am lucky to be able to say that they will always be there for me. At work, I am told I am too outspoken by some of the staff. The CNA's love me, I help them as much as I can. And yes, I do have my friends at work! I am soooo sorry that this post is so long, and I don't expect professional advice here, but does anyone else feel this way????
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    About husker-nurse

    Joined: Mar '02; Posts: 240; Likes: 8
    Specialty: 8 year(s) of experience in med-surg


  3. by   hypnotic_nurse
    Even psychologists can get it wrong. They're only human, with all the biases that everyone else has -- and it sounds as though she had some kind of agenda; a good psychologist helps you find your own answers, instead of giving you advice.

    MDs who are not psychiatrists are sometimes at a loss when it comes to diagnosing and treating psych disorders, even though they are very common.

    Get a second opinion. And write down JUST what you wrote here so you can show it to him/her.
  4. by   LT Dave
    Sounds like you have to find a new psychiatrist. To suggest you get a divorce from a good and functional husband is bewildering to me. You have clinical depression; I see this so often in our field. Nurses and Doctors give so much of them selves to patients and the Hospital that many often have nothing left over for them selves. You are not alone with these ambivalent feelings. A trial of some of the newer anti depressants may be in order. Get a new doc though the one you have is useless.

    One more thing, people who are not as smart as others are too dumb to realize that. They have little insight and an inability to reflect upon them selves...you are not in that group.
  5. by   husker-nurse
    Ya know, Dave, your answer brought tears to my eyes, and I agree wholeheartedly. I really wish I wasn't so dissillusioned with Nursing, maybe also I need to find my niche in Nursing, I can tell ya right now that the med-nephro unit ain't it! However, it is bringing me a LOT of very good experience!
  6. by   OneRN
    Just reading your post, it sounds kind of like a general disillusionment with life. We keep thinking there's a goal, you know some kind of purpose toward which we are ultimately moving, and as life wears on, that purpose becomes like a mirage: the closer you get the farther away it is and the more it fades away. We end up with a nagging question that we try to stuff away and not look at: Is my life, my existence, all in vain? Is my life, ultimately, pointless?

    We try to learn in life; but to what end? What for?

    We try to love and be loved; but in the end it's all lost. We die; the ones we love die, and all that we love is taken from us.

    We try to help others; but they don't help themselves, and the need for our help never ends. We never accomplish any lasting help.

    We cannot end the cause of our depression, but we can end that which gets depressed. I'm a monist, so I believe that only God exists and everything else is a kind of dream-fiction. When I'm able to realize that my body, my image in the mirror, and even my mind (that is my self-talk, feelings fears, habits, desires, goals, personal memories, etc) are all as unreal as a character in one of my dreams, then I sense my true self which is God. And in that moment, all depression, fear, loss, existential angst, powerlessness and anger disappears as well.

    You see, God doesn't have a goal. Only we illusions have goals. God is eternal: never was created, and can never not exist. God just is; God lives in the eternal single moment. When you realize that, when your true self takes over your illusory self, then you won't feel bad anymore. Every moment will be the goal and the purpose for which you exist, and you will necessarily never die.

    Jesus said, if you hold on to your life you will lose it, but if you give up your life for my sake (if you become Christ, i.e., God in the form of Man, Son of Man, married to Christ, Christ in your heart, etc.) Then you will live forever.

    To help you, I suggest the following therapy: Read the four Gospels, one after the other, slowly over a period of six months or so. But when you are reading them keep this frame of mind: Jesus Christ = me as my higher self talking to the other characters (John, Peter, Nicodemus, etc) which represent my lower, illusory self. When you do that, it will feel as if the Gospel was written by you and for you, which it was.

    Second: Read Spinoza's "Ethics." You may only be able to read a paragraph at a time without falling asleep, but eventually it begins to make sense. Spinoza is the father, so to speak, of monism.

    Good luck.
  7. by   Energizer Bunny
    I agree with the others about getting a second opinion. This sounds very much like how I was feeling (of course I wasn't in nursing since I am just a student) years ago. I hope you can find a Dr. that can see how you are suffering inside and truly help you.
  8. by   Tweety
    Best wishes. I can relate.
  9. by   seanymph

    I want you to know you are not alone. I feel like you have put into words what I have been feeling for years and have never been able to express. I see myself in your words. I send my love and best wishes to you and hope you find the answers. I have no words of wisdom for you as I to am still searching. Best of luck and if you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me.
  10. by   redshiloh
    Please, please go get your thyroid checked! The weight gain and the depression can be related to this, mine was.
  11. by   Rhoresmith
    I glad you said that because I wondered about that myself... You may have hypothroidism Have a blood test and check this out
  12. by   MandyInMS
    Stress @ work
    Weight gain
    Low self esteem
    Sleeping too much
    Don't 'enjoy' life
    Feel helpless/hopeless
    These are the things I noted from your post.First go to a diff DR and rule out a medical cause for your sx..as mentioned get your thyroid checked.You do sound depressed/anxious to me according to your sx..I've been there/it's not fun..and just because at this moment you are able to 'function' doesn't mean you don't need help..I know how it is to hide your feelings and laugh a little louder to 'fool' everyone.Write down the way you are feeling and list all your sx..both mental and physical and take them to a MD..don't rely on your memory to tell him/her everything.I know when I felt this way it was like I couldn't concentrate as well as I should, and you may forget something important.Best wishes to youuuuuu..hope you feel better soon (((hugzzzzzzz)))
  13. by   Dinith88
    Quote from LT Dave
    One more thing, people who are not as smart as others are too dumb to realize that. .
    And the even DUMBER ones feel they're smarter than the rest!

    Good post Dave!....
  14. by   redshiloh
    And if that wasn't enough to convince you to get your thyroid checked...
    Last Thursday I got some bad news at work and could not stop crying for like a couple HOURS, the news wasn't THAT bad.
    Dawned on me when I got home that I had not taken my synthroid in a week!
    Feel MUCH better today....