I just can't do this anymore...

grpman · Jan 15, 2013

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope your life is happier now that you are away from him. I might would have typed the same response had I been in your shoes.

grpman: So true.
I only know that I left my husband after it became crystal clear (once the ink was dry on the marriage license) that, in his mind, I was a meal ticket. He quit a lucrative job to hang out a shingle. 6 months after our wedding, he quit, in a fit of pique, without consulting me. His plan was that I would work overtime to help finance his fledgling business.
Fortunately, I loved my job. I worked overtime (time-and-a-half, sometimes double-time). I was learning so much in the MICU/CCU/SICU, it was amazing. I loved being there. OP doesn't love going to work.
The deal-breaker for me was that, when I developed bronchitis that turned into pneumonia, the man didn't bring home the groceries. Literally. My parents visited because I was bed-ridden. My mom said, "There's no food in this house! He can't take care of you." My dad just shook his head. He was disappointed in my husband.
Husband was lame. He had been coddled and thought of no-one but himself and his goals.
When I got healthy, I fled the marriage. I drove cross-country to get away from him and the family repurcussions that attach to that nasty word: Divorce.
Things work out for the best, though. He re-married and, as far as I know, is happy. I can't complain about my lot in life either.

multi10 · Jan 16, 2013

grpman: I am not away from anyone. (He stil offers to do my tax returns for free.) There is lots of joy in the world. Now, I am a musician and coping with the reality of blending the world of a nurse with the world of Bach, Rush, Bright Eyes, Stevie Wonder, Greig. How many ways can we recognize love? We are so lucky.

fromtheseaRN, BSN, RN · Jan 16, 2013

i'm sorry to hear that your husband is not supportive of your wishes. that is a hard road to navigate, and i hope it goes smoothly for you. so, what do you not like about nursing or your job? you have many avenues available to you, you do not have to do direct patient care, or put up with a lack of benefits. if you don't like direct patient care, a friend of mine is a lvn, and works for the government in an office job. she reviews medicaid patients records, and makes the recommendations and approvals for their needed home health care. she works monday-friday 9-5, and has amazing benefits. usajobs.gov or your local department of health will list these types of available positions on their websites, if you're interested. good luck to you, i really do hope you find a better fit.

BeenThereDoneThat74, MSN, RN · Jan 16, 2013

No wonder the divorce rate is so high! None of us know this couple or know anything other than her husband is upset with her...but HEY JUST LEAVE HIM, DIVORCE HIS AS*. Thats incredibly stupid advice and is part of what is wrong with this world. Instead of everyone working on their problems and seeing if they can compromise on a solution, lets just get a divorce and break up a family and break our wedding vows.

Amen! Our society does not teach us to face our problems, to communicate. Isn't it sooo much easier to just leave, and start over? Nope. As a divorcee (I hate that word, it sounds so glamorous, and it really isn't at all) whose spouse took the "I'm just going to leave you and not deal with our issues" stance, I know first hand that running away from issues doesn't help anyone. My poor hubby (current) us stuck with me forever. No way on earth am I letting him run out when times get tough (and times have been tough in our marriage already: money, jobs, children... it's called LIFE).

I wish people really appreciated the fact that when you get married, you are a TEAM.

Either that, or people need to stop being so quick to marry, often for the wrong reasons. My mother was embarrassed at the fact that I chose to live with my current husband before we got married (I was over 35, a parent, and a college professor). Apparently the alternative was better, marrying someone, THEN living with them to see if you can stand each other :/

GLORIAmunchkin72 · Jan 16, 2013

You were so close to being an RN I think you should go back and get your degree; you may not fail the second time or the third. It will open so many other opportunities that you may enjoy!

lfaison · Jan 16, 2013

I would encourage you to finish your last semester. Not because you should do something you hate but because it will earn you your degree. I have a teaching degree but I've never taught. I found out it wasn't for me too far into the program to turn back but I'm very glad I finished. It earned me my BS and I've been gainfully employed ever since, paid very well too. Many professional entry level jobs require a degree, it can be in any field but you have to have one to get in the door. You will never regret your degree, even if you never work a day in your field, I can promise you that. Good luck!

Sugarcoma, RN · Jan 16, 2013

You say that your husband quit a job once without consulting you at a time when you needed the money. I imagine that you have some pent up resentment over that, but it seems you have accepted it and forgiven him since you are still with him. I hope that you can help him to see how this situation is similar for you (miserable in your job and need to quit.) The fact that he once did this but is trying to prevent you from doing kind of the same thing is a potential minefield in your marriage.

My advice to you would be that before you start looking for a new job you need to sit down and have a real heart to heart with your husband. Marriage is a team effort and major life decisions should be made ideally with both partners on board. Find out what it is your husband is having such a hard time letting go of. Is it the money? The title? I know you mentioned the loans, but there are plenty of people out there paying off loans for educations they do not use in their work lives. The skills you gained as a nurse will serve you very well in any career field. Tell him this. Things like organization, prioritization, time management, etc. these are valuable in any career and not a waste of your education.

You said your husband becomes angry when you try to speak about this with him, well he needs to knock that off in order for you two to have a truly productive discussion. You need to tell him "I need to speak with you about this so that WE can make a decision that is good for BOTH of us, I cannot do that if you become angry." Tell him that you need him to listen, to really listen to you. Explain to him what you told us here, that you are not happy, that it is affecting your mental health. Assure him that you are aware of the financial implications of the decision, that you understand how he must feel considering his income is fixed and he is unable to increase it, but you must, for the sake of your own sanity, find another option for yourself. Ask him what his reasons for not wanting you to do this are and really LISTEN to what he tells you. Ask him to help you brainstorm ideas. You will need his support in this matter, otherwise you will become resentful of him over time. Do not find a new job before he has time to process and accept your desire otherwise he will become resentful of you over time. There has to be a consensus you two can come to so that you both can get what you need.

Do you need to leave nursing totally? What is it specifically that you hate about the jobs you have held? Patient care? Mundane tasks etc? Were there things you enjoyed about any of them? What type of career do you see yourself being happy in? While your nursing education kind of pigeon holes you into patient care you can spin the skills you possess into potential strengths for a totally different career. For example when an interviewer says You have no experience in this field why should I hire you? You could say something along the lines of while I have no job experience specific to this field my job experience as a nurse allowed me to build skills I feel you could benefit from then go on to list the things we all use as nurses. Example: Managing personnel (CNA's, etc.) excellent customer sercive and communication skills, prioritization, meeting deadlines, working under extreme pressure, working within budget constraints etc.

You may want to consider some career aptitude testing. You can get this and usually some career counseling at local community colleges for pretty reasonable rates. Good luck to you.

SinnPushrr · Jan 16, 2013

I have come to realize that this is not the line of work for me. I dropped out of nursing school once because I didn't like it, but my family urged me to go back, so I did. I got my LVN and then continued on to get my RN. I failed the last semester of RN school, so I didn't quite make it.
I have worked in LTC, home heath, and now I work in a doctor's office. Here I am, hating it, dreading going to work every day, sometimes fighting back the tears as I drive to work. I am so utterly miserable! My job also does not offer me any health insurance, and I have some health and dental problems that I cannot address because of this. I work in the little lab of a clinic where all I do is venipunctures and injections and anything else that the other nurses don't have time/don't want to do.
I have looked for and applied for other non-nursing jobs that pay okay and offer the benefits that I need, but here is the problem: my husband is TICKED off. I have tried discussing it with him and he knows how miserable I am. But he gets a disability check that doesn't come close to paying all of the bills. He has told me that there is no way I am going to go get a non-nursing job, wasting my education and still having to pay back the student loans (that he made me take out in the first place). He says I am being selfish by seeking out a lower-paying job. Also, I think maybe he would be embarrassed to tell his family as well? I gently reminded him that he has quit jobs that he hated in the past, when we had no other income at the time...!
Anyway, I am not here to whine, so I apologize. But I would appreciated some advice. I don't know how much longer I can do this!!

Just went back to nsg. after taking a lil break......2yr. break, after 20yrs.twenty-plus .....up & dwn tha hall....Went home and caught up on my

blondy2061h, MSN, RN · Jan 16, 2013

Reading your post, I'm wondering if there's any chance you might be depressed?

Nurse Medicine Woman, ASN, RN · Jul 30, 2013

The problem is that even though you say that marriage is a TEAM what do you do when it is only the wife trying, working on it, want to communicate and the husband just shuts down and shuts her out?

No financial support,(cut off from the joint checking account have to ask for money etc) a husband that cannot communicate - walks out of an argument - that's right walk out and drive away in the middle of an argument! ALL THE TIME! When the wife for the umpteenth time wants to talk about the glaring problems in the marriage he says NOTHING - just does not respond!!

What about when there is no intimacy for 5 CONSECUTIVE years,or no hand holding or not even a peck on the cheek - must the wife (LPN) STILL stay in that kind of a marriage?

BlueDevil,DNP, DNP, RN · Jul 30, 2013

Frankly, I'd leave the husband and the job. If he isn't going to listen, I'd stop talking to him and do what you want/need to do for inner peace. He can be disappointed, frustrated or angry, but he shouldn't be able to mandate you to misery. No one who loves and respects their partner would put them in such a position.

good luck.

PeepnBiscuitsRN · Jul 30, 2013

1) The first time you decided nursing wasn't for you, that should have been it. Nobody else should have pressured you into going back to it. If you're not happy as a nurse, you'll burn out, you'll get short with patients and possibly worse.

2) We're in a low-income, working class situation too. My husband doesn't have stable work so he looks to me as the primary source of income. However, he is at least pulling his weight- he works freelance, he knocks on doors to see what he can do too, not even what he WANTS to do, what he CAN do. I suggest your husband do the same. Disabled? How much? Incapacitated? I can see where leaving your job on a dime with no backup is not a good idea, and it does sound like you've job hopped a bit to see what suits you and that's okay, and yet not so okay, you need stability.

Bottom line: your husband needs to pull his weight. If he can find something to bring in some income beyond what disability checks can offer, then you could try to find something non-nursing.

3) If you go back for your RN, you'd better be certain you want to be a nurse. It's a big investment, yes it does open more doors than what your LPN can offer (and being an LPN is GREAT, I was one for almost 5 years).

Best wishes, I hope you and your husband can find a balance. But if he continues to shut down and get worked up about it, then you need help further than just employment.