How do I help others after a loved one's suicide?

Nurses General Nursing

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Just got tragic news. A nurse friend- she just graduated last year with honors, well her boyfriend hung himself last night while she was on the phone talking to him. It happened at his work and I am not sure of all the details, but it is pretty tragic all the way around.

This friend recently had cancer surgery and has been going through some difficult times and now this, I can't imagine what she is feeling.

I know they were having difficulty in the relationship and that was hard. He was quite controlling evidently. Well last night he tried to get her to go to his work for something but would not say what. She declined since it was a ways from the house. He promised it would only take a minute.

We think one of two things- he wanted to kill her also, or he wanted her there to see it happen. Thank God she was still recovering from her surgery or she would have gone!

When we covered suicide, we learned of prevention, danger signs, etc. but never once covered how to deal with the survivors left after such a tragic event. How do you consel someone and help them through this aftermath?

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Specializes in FNP, Peds, Epilepsy, Mgt., Occ. Ed.

How awful.

I don't have any great answers either, but I think it's really important that she knows that it is not her fault, no matter what he may have said. He did this by his choice.

I am sure that he wants her to carry the guilt with her forever. That's the ultimate control thing (other than killing her, which may have been on his agenda). She should not carry that guilt. She is not responsible for what he did!!

I am sure he claimed to love her. If he had really loved her, he would not have done this to her.

Just a horrible, horrible thing to do.

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Specializes in OB/peds (after gen surgery for 3 yrs).

(((((((((((Kuku and friend)))))))))) That is truly horrible. What to say? what to say? I don't think there is any "thing" that is right. "I'm sorry." "What can I do?" Just do stuff....bring food, help with the laundry, do the mundane things that people forget or can't muster up the energy for during a crisis. This is very sad news. Be friends with your friend as well as you can.

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Oh goodness how horrible - I am glad she ended up out of this alive!!!

Just be there for her - I bet she is having a hard time with all the stress in her life right now. I found a couple websites just now - for if she needs help dealing with all this .

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

http://www.hopeline.com/

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Specializes in Peds, Med-Surg, Disaster Nsg, Parish Nsg.

You need to urge your friend to seek professional counseling.

She is having to deal with many things at once......cancer, recovering from surgery, a bad controlling relationship that ended in suicide. Although it was not her fault, it is normal for her to feel guilty. She has to handle a very difficult and complex grief process and needs a professional to help her.

As her friend, you can be there for her......to listen to and support her through this difficult time.

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Just be there for your friend, she will need you. She will be a major candidate for PTSD.

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Specializes in Occupational Health Nursing/ Med/ Surg.

I always say it is selfish people who kill themselves. He has place her in a situation that is going to further compromise her health. You are difinitely going have to be the friend that will sit and hold her hand even if you do not say anything, just to let her know she is not alone. Selfish controlling man.

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Specializes in ORTHOPAEDICS-CERTIFIED SINCE 89.

What a terrible state of things. This poor lady needs all her friends not just now but for a long, long time. Please encourage her all you can to get counseling for ptsd. And you too if you find yourself getting caught up in this. Suicide only releases the one, it entraps all the others.

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One of my best friends, who I was madly in love with and he didn't know, in high school killed himself. For a few weeks I was in shock. The funeral was the worse part at first. His parents had a closed casket, for obvious reasons, and although I didn't want to see him, part of me needed to see it was real and that he was gone. We used to call each other every night so I remember the first night without him, I called his house, out of habit, and his sister answered. We were silent a lot, cried a lot, and talked a lot. I can tell you that I felt INCREDIBLY guilty. I felt I should have been a better friend, should have spent more time with him...things like that. I think it is REALLY important to let her know that no matter HOW she interacted with him, NOTHING she could have said or done would change the way it turned out. He was unhappy and he could not deal with that unhappiness. It took me a LONG time to come to that realization. I don't know if you know anniversary dates that are special to her regarding him, but when those roll around the first time it would be nice for her if you, her friends, planned something with her. Holidays are bad as well. It is just simply going to take time. Nothing you say will make the hurt go away, just encourage her to find ways to heal her heart. If she needs therapy, offer to take turns and go with. Things like that.

GOOD LUCK with your friend. My condolences to your friend and this fellows family.

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This is such a terrible tragedy. I am a suicide survivor myself.When I was in college for nursing,my 14 year old sister shot herself in the head. I found her and it was beyond horrific. The only advice I can offer is to just be there for your friend.Let her verbalize her feelings,be supportive,and encourage her to get therapy if possible.Also,emphasize that none of this was her fault.She will feel "survivor's guilt" thinking she could have prevented this.There is nothing she could have done, and she is so fortunate that she did not go to his work. My heart goes out to her.

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Thanks everyone for the support and suggestions. I will check out those sites. I am taking a class that actually meets tomorrow evening about communicating to help and I have a feeling this will come up for discussion. The instructor is a MSW (and a good friend) and will have some ideas for sure. I can't imagine the pain she is feeling now.

I am still waiting to find out more. There are so many questions. So many questions. Were there other weapons? Where did he do it- it was at the restaurant he worked at but where, I used to work there and can not imagine him carrying this out anywhere there with others there unless he was alone or in the basement.

I agree- suicide is selfish and in this instance a control thing. I have a made a point to never go to a persons funeral who committed suicide, ever. I stick by that decision and probably always will.

Thank GOD she is alive and did not venture down there is all I can say!

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Hun, one thing I would suggest is not ask her details of what happened. Let her explain if she wants to...let it be if she doesn't. As far as the survivors know is that one minute their loved one was there the next they were not. The details can make it harder....so, not being bossy, but try to get details from a detective or a friend of the family. Telling details is like reliving the whole thing over again...

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