Frustrated about family involvement in sick family member

[anon456, BSN, RN]

This is more of a vent than anything else, but if you have advice please feel free to give it.

My 90 year old grandparents have a house in town and one in another state. They live mostly in the other state house. We have been trying to persuade them to move closer to us so we can help out with them. My grandma has senile dementia and it's exhausting caring for her and keeping her safe. My grandfather cannot leave her alone.

Recently she has suffered a health crisis while in town for Thanksgiving and was admitted. We had family here from out of town including her two grown children. Unfortunately the two nurses of the family where not included in the decision to try to take grandma home *with foley in place* until further tests could be done and the health condition further defined. They apparently told the doctor we could manage it at home. But of course it was the two nurses who ended up caring for grandma around the clock and managing the foley, bathing her, managing her dementia and attempts at removing the foley while the rest of the family packed up and left town!! I am one of the nurses. Both of us nurses have full time jobs and I have small children.

So after spending all of one night staying awake because grandma tried to get out of bed 8 times feeling like she had to go the bathroom and could have tripped on the foley I called the doctor on call yesterday and told her the situation. I said either grandma needs to be admitted until the foley can come out, or we need to remove the foley now as she's a safety risk. Doctor gave me permission as an RN to remove it at home!

Next week grandma has some follow up appts and the two adult children of my grandparents are not helping. One as I said left town, and the other one basically said he'd make sure that grandpa had good driving directions and keep them updated!! Ugh!

The other nurse in the family and I are going to meet with grandpa today to discuss having him designate someone as Medical Power of Attorney over him and grandma so hopefully not so many people will be trying to decide for them. Of course we are hoping he picks one or both of us nurses, but will respect whomever he chooses. :-)

We are also going to try to persuade my grandfather to accept the help of a home aide who can come maybe 3x/week to help him out with housekeeping and make sure grandma is bathed and things like that.

I love my grandparents but I am angry that their own children are not taking a more active role. I am one of two grandchildren, the other one is young college age. I am almost 40. My grandparents have supported us and been generous in different times of crisis in our lives. Now people are not helping them in their time of need.

Thanks for listening. We are meeting with grandpa in a few hours.

[RNewbie]

Sorry you are going through this but from my experience there will always be family members that step up and the others will continue on with life as if there is no shared responsibility for taking care of loved ones. I would suggest talking with the entire family and letting them know how you feel, otherwise they will continue to live as if you are taking care of everything and they don't have to worry. Also, if they can't physically be there they could at least contribute financially. Money could be used to pay a private sitter or adult day care center. I know that caring for a loved one is tough. I will never understand how children and grandchildren will not step up and share the responsibility when this person raised and cared for them their entire lives.

[mappers]

Is one of the adult children your parent or is that parent deceased? How close are you to Grandpa? Will he listen to you and other RN? I'd call a family meeting and let them know that it was unfair of them to make a decision regarding grandma's care that directly involved you without you having input. Let them know that you are willing to help, but that you must be included on these decisions.

[VICEDRN, BSN, RN]

No advice from me. You clearly know what you are doing and are making good decisions. I am sorry this is happening to you. Best of luck!