Feeling incompetent and out of place as a new nurse, help?

[uniteddemclub, BSN, RN]

I graduated BSN December 2020 and didn’t pass NCLEX until June this year. I failed 3x because I didn’t retain a lot of info from school and didn’t get serious about studying until almost a year later. I didn’t think I was actually going to graduate and become a nurse so I was unmotivated to study. I can’t help but feel like the NCLEX should’ve been harder and I never should’ve passed last Summer. Im working as a nurse now and feel stupid and feel bad that my patients and residents at my facility have to be put in my care. When I was in nursing school I was kicked out of clinical first semester supposedly because of a mistake I made at the time and I was told by the director that nursing might not be for me. I didn’t drop out because I was just afraid of wasting all the time and money I had already put into it and then regretting it later. When I was kicked out I accused them of being racist because one of the professors called me an Arab and a Muslim. There was an investigation through office of institutional equity that didn’t go anywhere. I went through the rest of the program and the professors who knew about the incident were incredibly rude to me and treated me very differently from the other students. I didn’t feel like I belonged there at all because of the grudge they were holding against me over things I said years ago. My friend suggested they might have been too afraid to kick me out again because they didn’t want me to accuse them of being racist and have to go through another investigation from other departments at the university. I was a pretty terrible student and somehow was able to graduate partially because Covid switched all my classes to online in my last semester, but also because my professors didn’t think it was worth the drama to get me kicked out again. Now that I’m a nurse I feel like my professors would be angry or concerned if they knew I actually made it into the profession. I feel guilty for getting into a profession where I don’t belong but also angry that I was allowed to get to this point because they made it too easy. I also think they let me continue the program for money and to make the student body look more diverse because I was the only person there of middle eastern descent. I cry everyday before work because I’m in disbelief that this is really what I do for a living. I want to talk to a psychologist but I am having a hard time deciding which one to call because there are so many options and I don’t know where to start. I’m worried it will be too expensive and I don’t know what my insurance will cover. 

[JeLi, BSN, RN]

I hope you found some relief and someone to talk to since you posted but if not here's my plan if I were in your situation: 

1) Call your insurance company and ask what is covered in terms of mental health and therapy. Ask for a list of providers that is covered under your policy. Then make and appointment.

2) If you have FSA/HSA through your employer you can pay with that. Your doctor's office should be able to give you quote on how much you need to pay. (Also some hospitals have theres hotlines now that employees and call if they're in crisis. I'm not sure what goes on with that but it might be available."

3) Maybe the area of nursing you're in is not right for you. There are many occupations your nursng license prepare you for. On TikTok there are many nurses that transition out of bedside to tech, sales, clinic, etc. You will find your place.