Explaining prevention to my dad...he won't listen

EricJRN, MSN, RN · Mar 5, 2009

That's such a hard situation. Because of the prognosis that is often associated with pancreatic cancer, he might have already encountered more than his share of pessimistic conversations with healthcare providers.

I know that you want to ensure that he doesn't put his health in further danger. He probably wants to spend his family/home time as normally as possible. It's a tough balance.

lolalolacherrycola · Mar 5, 2009

You need to be his daughter now, not his nurse. He is most likely scared and in denial about the prognosis. Hang in there; it's tough. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Might help for you to review Kubler-Ross's grief stages; he is most likely experiencing grief secondary to diagnosis.

Take a look at this:http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/kubler_ross.htm

diane227, LPN, RN · Mar 11, 2009

Your not his nurse. He is not going to listen to you. If he gets a nose bleed, offer him a tissue etc and an ice pack and leave it at that. He sounds like he is having a hard time with this diagnosis and as it happens is focusing on himself right now, not his family. You might want to review the stages of death and dying. One of the first is anger.

hpygrl01 · Mar 11, 2009

Your not his nurse. He is not going to listen to you. If he gets a nose bleed, offer him a tissue etc and an ice pack and leave it at that. He sounds like he is having a hard time with this diagnosis and as it happens is focusing on himself right now, not his family. You might want to review the stages of death and dying. One of the first is anger.

I am knowledgeable about the stages of Death and Dying. THIS IS MY FATHER!!!!!!! I want him around as long as possible so if you don't understand this, then I have no way of explaining this to you either. It is my duty to explain to him what is happening. If he was an alcoholic and he has acute pancreatitis, would I not have a duty to say, "lay off the booze before you get worse?" Just because a man is dying does not mean he has to go quicker. I'm really surprised by your post. Very insensitive. Family members are victims too you know, and this is not easy for me at all. If I can help my dad stay around longer by keeping him from dying of a posterior nose bleed now, instead of dying from cancer later, then I think it's a good option.

diane227, LPN, RN · Mar 12, 2009

You don't know anything about me. I took care of my mother every day when she was dying of cancer. The point I was trying to make is that during that time I tried to explain things and give her options but the final decision was hers. I understand how hard it is to see your family member die. I put my father in his grave when I was 9 years old. My mother was the only person I had left in this world. When she died I did not have any family left. So, you are NOT the only person who has suffered the loss of a family member. I had no brothers or sisters. My favorite uncle just died of cancer. He called me and I went immediately back to Texas. He has always asked for my help when anyone in his family got sick. I discussed his options with him and he made his own decision as to what to do. His decision would not have been my decision but I had to abide by his wishes. He died at home with his family. I loved him more than anything, but I could not make him do the right thing. So before you go attacking me for my opinion, you need to know a little bit more about my life first. You are lucky. You have had your father into your adult years. I did not. So count your blessing and try to have your last days with him be as positive and loving as you can. After all, what else can you do? I certainly did not mean to sound mean of offensive and I am so sorry that I came off that way. What you are going through right now will be one of the most difficult things that you will ever go through in your life. Please know that I do understand. I will keep you in my prayers.

rn/writer, RN · Mar 12, 2009

This is an extremely emotional topic. Please, let's not speak out of hurt or fear or painful memories, but rather offer encouragement and comfort in a trying time.

To the OP:

You're going to have to choose between roles right now if you want your father to be receptive to you. If he is resistant to the nurse in you and you can't set that part of you aside, you risk losing your connection to him as his daughter. It really sounds like he'll close the door on "both" of you.

I'd say your best bet is to focus on being a daughter who doesn't want to lose her daddy. Take his hand, if that's something you feel comfortable with, and tell him you're worried. Stay away from medical terminology and rational explanations and just pour your heart out that you're scared and feeling helpless when you see him having problems. Cry if it's natural.

I'd even go so far as to refer the medical side of things to others. Let them be the enemy, while you fulfill your role as his concerned child who wants him around for a long time to come. It's hard to resist the appeals of someone who cares genuinely and deeply about your future.

For your own sake, come here to vent or talk with others you trust and let off the nurse's frustrations. Do whatever it takes to keep the nurse-brain in check. When you're with him, speak with your heart and not your head. Even if he comes around and is willing to see you in your nursing persona, dole out tiny drips and drops so you don't overshadow the daughter side of things.

Of course you want to take care of him. He's your dad. But there are tons of good practitioners who can give him the medical side of things. But no one else can take your place as his daughter. Do what only you can do for him. Maybe you'll eventually get to do both, but if you have to choose, be his child who loves him like no one else can.