Oh - how funny!
I had a woman call (my normal answer with telephone advice is fairly standard - I'm sorry but our policy prohibits me from answering questions, giving advice, directions or determining if you need to come in or not......)
But, this one was a WINNER.
CALLER: "There is a worm hanging out of my nephews butt, what should I do?"
ME: "Well, can you tell me what kind of worm it is? or Can you tell if it is the worm head or tail?" (The ED doc is very amused)
CALLER: "No, is it important?"
ME: "Oh yes, its all important. Is the worm big, small - oh, and how old is your nephew?"
CALLER: "The worm is sort of thin, yellowish - but, my nephew is 17."
ME: "You are looking at your 17 year old nephews butt."
CALLER: "Its hanging out about 10 inches."
ME: "Well, I guess there is nothing left to do but pull it on out - but now be careful not to break it - IF the head is hanging out and it "breaks" the worm will die, but if the "tail" is hanging out and it breaks the worm sucks back up and the tail grows back." (The ED doc is full on cackling at this point)
ME: "Really. But all worm emergency aside - your nephew and maybe others in the family will need to see your doctor for de-worming as soon as possible - call first thing in the morning. But, you can come to the ER....yak, yak yak - standard answer ".
NEVER SAW THE WORM PATIENT.
* Lost "condom" 17 years ago - "Could it still be there?" NO.
* You (meaning the ER) gave me this enema thing to use at home and there are no directions can you tell me how to use it? NO. (First, we don't send home enemas and second I suspect this male caller had a "history" and sure enough had not been in out facility for months....no "fun" "directions" from me
* Actual patient - husband "eating" the Fun Size Snickers out of her ___ , the melting rate of the candy, exceeded the husbands appetite - so, panic over "lost" peanuts set in. 10 liters of vaginal irrigation later the ER doc suggested to the hungry hubby (yep, he stayed for the whole sticky mess) that Milky Way bars may be a better choice.
KEEP ON SMILING - AFTER ALL THATS WHAT WE DO BEST!?