Can some one edit my get into nursing school essay? Less than a page long!

SamiSN · Oct 16, 2011

i dont have the ability to private message people? i guess...so here is my essay, you can pm me the edited?

Describe a significant challenge that you have faced and how you addressed this challenge, the reasons why you have chosen nursing, what strengths you bring to the profession, and why you want this program.

The challenge I have faced and the reason why I have chosen nursing coincide. I attempted nursing school in the past at a different school, however, the high cost of private school made completing my wish very difficult. Growing up, I was a very shy child, it wasn’t until my first year of nursing school that I broke this shyness and began to develop more confidence in myself. During my first clinical rotation at an assisted living facility, my instructor made us all dive in, quite a sink or swim approach. This intimidated me greatly, I was unsure if I was going to make it through the semester! I discussed my anxieties with my instructor and she came into the patient’s room with me to start. I introduced myself to the patient and she gave me the biggest smile and said that I reminded her of her daughter. That immediate connection gave me great confidence.

As I sat and talked with my patient, I looked up to see that my instructor had left and I had preformed my physical assessment and history assessment all by myself without an ounce of anxiety. I will never forget that first patient experience and the confidence she gave me. While not all my patients in my 4 previous clinical settings were as supportive as her, I have developed great interpersonal skills and have dramatically overcome my shyness.

My original reason for choosing nursing was because ever since I can remember, I always had curiosities about the human body. As I grew up, my curiosities for the body turned into curiosities on diseases. My reason for choosing nursing was solidified because in high school I was a caregiver to my grandmother who developed Pick’s Disease and suffered a strong battle with dementia. Being able to assist her with everyday things was extraordinarily difficult, but looking back on it, it was a highly rewarding task.

Strengths I feel I can bring to this profession are the skills I am currently learning as a CNA on a busy hospital floor, a strong affinity for people, a great interest in the human body, sciences and learning and finally a headstrong personality.

I want this program because I want another shot to further the career that I already immerse myself in several days a week. I want another shot at the career that changed my life from day one.

mazy · Oct 16, 2011

i dont have the ability to private message people? i guess...so here is my essay, you can pm me the edited?
Describe a significant challenge that you have faced and how you addressed this challenge, the reasons why you have chosen nursing, what strengths you bring to the profession, and why you want this program.
The challenge I have faced and the reason why I have chosen nursing coincide. I attempted nursing school in the past at a different school, however, the high cost of private school made completing my wish very difficult. Growing up, I was a very shy child, it wasn't until my first year of nursing school that I broke this shyness and began to develop more confidence in myself. During my first clinical rotation at an assisted living facility, my instructor made us all dive in, quite a sink or swim approach. This intimidated me greatly, I was unsure if I was going to make it through the semester! I discussed my anxieties with my instructor and she came into the patient's room with me to start. I introduced myself to the patient and she gave me the biggest smile and said that I reminded her of her daughter. That immediate connection gave me great confidence.
As I sat and talked with my patient, I looked up to see that my instructor had left and I had preformed my physical assessment and history assessment all by myself without an ounce of anxiety. I will never forget that first patient experience and the confidence she gave me. While not all my patients in my 4 previous clinical settings were as supportive as her, I have developed great interpersonal skills and have dramatically overcome my shyness.
My original reason for choosing nursing was because ever since I can remember, I always had curiosities about the human body. As I grew up, my curiosities for the body turned into curiosities on diseases. My reason for choosing nursing was solidified because in high school I was a caregiver to my grandmother who developed Pick's Disease and suffered a strong battle with dementia. Being able to assist her with everyday things was extraordinarily difficult, but looking back on it, it was a highly rewarding task.
Strengths I feel I can bring to this profession are the skills I am currently learning as a CNA on a busy hospital floor, a strong affinity for people, a great interest in the human body, sciences and learning and finally a headstrong personality.
I want this program because I want another shot to further the career that I already immerse myself in several days a week. I want another shot at the career that changed my life from day one.

You've got some solid, workable material here, but some changes need to be made.

The first thing I would suggest is that you rearrange the order of your essay. Second thing is that you really need to get someone close to you to proofread your language, spelling, and grammar. You've got some problems there. Also, be sure to double space between paragraphs.

It sounds like you are saying that the challenge you faced was your shyness, which is a good start, but it is confusing when you also remark that nursing school was too expensive, because at first read it seems like you are saying that what was challenging was the cost of nursing school, so probably best to leave that out of that sentence. Probably best to leave that out of this part of the essay all together.

My original reason for choosing nursing was because ever since I can remember, I always had curiosities about the human body. As I grew up, my curiosities for the body turned into curiosities on diseases. My reason for choosing nursing was solidified because in high school I was a caregiver to my grandmother who developed Pick's Disease and suffered a strong battle with dementia. Being able to assist her with everyday things was extraordinarily difficult, but looking back on it, it was a highly rewarding task.

Growing up, I was a very shy child, it wasn't until my first year of nursing school that I broke this shyness and began to develop more confidence in myself. During my first clinical rotation at an assisted living facility, my instructor made us all dive in, quite a sink or swim approach. This intimidated me greatly, I was unsure if I was going to make it through the semester! I discussed my anxieties with my instructor and she came into the patient's room with me to start. I introduced myself to the patient and she gave me the biggest smile and said that I reminded her of her daughter. That immediate connection gave me great confidence.

As I sat and talked with my patient, I looked up to see that my instructor had left and I had preformed my physical assessment and history assessment all by myself without an ounce of anxiety. I will never forget that first patient experience and the confidence she gave me. While not all my patients in my 4 previous clinical settings were as supportive as her, I have developed great interpersonal skills and have dramatically overcome my shyness.

This is the most important piece of your essay, so work on it to make it stronger and build around it.

I would suggest you steer away from negatives. You've described your first patient interaction and what it meant to you very well, but leave it at that and do not comment on whether the other patients were supportive -- probably best not even to use the word supportive at all.

Aso, you don't want it to sound like you needed your patient to be supportive of you, you want it to say that your patient responded positively to you being supportive of her and how did you do that -- what do you think the patient gained from interacting with you?

Strengths I feel I can bring to this profession are the skills I am currently learning as a CNA on a busy hospital floor, a strong affinity for people, a great interest in the human body, sciences and learning and finally a headstrong personality.

Headstrong is a very negative word, especially in nursing. What do you mean to say here?

Apart from all the skills you have listed here, the most important thing you need to talk about is the emotional piece of this, what do you think that you will be able to do to make your patients feel better, not just physically, but also psychologoically? Nursing is not just about skills, it is about heart.

I want this program because I want another shot to further the career that I already immerse myself in several days a week. I want another shot at the career that changed my life from day one.

This is where you can address the issue that you weren't able to continue with your previous attempt to go to nursing school because of the cost. Mention that you had been in school before, and how disappointed you were that you couldn't pay for it. Then mention that you want this program because this is what you feel that you were meant to do with your life and now that you have a chance to do it you want to do the very best you can.

But most important, get someone to proofread for grammar, spelling, and punctuation.

Best of luck.

SamiSN · Oct 16, 2011

Thank you lucky0220 and mazy!! Really appreciate the feedback

smurfynursey · Oct 16, 2011

In reference to "made you do it" I would chose different verbage. ie, My first clinical rotation was at xyz ALF and my instructor had us dive right in on day one, or something.

Also, a headstrong personality can be a great asset, but "headstrong" might come off in a way you dont want it to. Persistance, perhaps?

Also...a strong battle? long? challenging?

Just a thought. Good luck, future commrade :)

netglow, ASN, RN · Oct 16, 2011

"My original reason for choosing nursing was because ever since I can remember, I always had curiosities about the human body. As I grew up, my curiosities for the body turned into curiosities on diseases."

You might want to reword this. There is a definite "creepy feel to it. IMHO. Maybe it is the word "curiosities" that gives me the shivers.

33762FL · Oct 16, 2011

If I worked in admissions I'd reject anybody who sent an essay like this.

Scrap all the negatives you write about:

Shy (even if you aren't now, no need to tell them you used to be)

Poor performance in LTC clinical (great reason to send you a rejection letter as soon as they read that)

financial problems (makes them think there's no reason why you won't have financial problems this time around too)

didn't complete first program (they know that, you don't have to write about it and tell them more)

Curiosity about the body (makes you sound like a creep, like you just want to see people naked to do experiments on them)

Headstrong personality (that's a negative term)

Turn all the negatives into positives, or just scrap them. Change it to these main points:

Took care of grandmother, rewarding experience

Want to be a nurse because you want to help people in a meaningful way

Feel ready at this stage in your life to take on the challenge of nursing (a positive way to allude to the fact that you didn't complete your first try)

Became a CNA, enjoy working with LTC patients

Caring, Determined, inquisitive, helpful personality

wetzoo · Oct 16, 2011

Personally, I found the part about taking care of your grandmother to be the most interesting part of your essay. If this were my essay, that would be the focal point (the challenge), and I would expand on what you learned from that experience, how it shaped you as a person, and how it made you want to get into nursing. What made it a rewarding experience?

Or if you are opposed to that, I'd say expand on how you developed "great interpersonal skills" through your clinicals. Most likely they want specific examples of how you were able to overcome any hardships.

Other than that, I do agree with the other posters in that, "curiosities about the human body" does sound a bit off. Good luck to you!

SamiSN · Oct 16, 2011

Thanks canesdukegirl for your great feedback! I really appreciate your willingness to help!

Thank you everyone else for the feedback, I'll try rewording the body statement... I hope you all understand what I was actually getting at...

SamiSN · Oct 16, 2011

I was unsure whether my use of headstrong was appropriate or not... I'll dig out the thesauraus!

GimiRN · Oct 16, 2011

"my original reason for choosing nursing was because ever since i can remember, i always had curiosities about the human body. as i grew up, my curiosities for the body turned into curiosities on diseases."
you might want to reword this. there is a definite "creepy feel to it. imho. maybe it is the word "curiosities" that gives me the shivers.

op, maybe you can say something along the lines of, "my primary reason for choosing nursing is because i genuinely enjoy helping and caring for others. from a young age, i was fascinated by how the human body works, and have maintained a desire to learn more about it."

and i agree with the poster who said you should rearrange a few things. you want the paragraph to flow, not skip around. good luck. :)

SamiSN · Oct 16, 2011

I wanted to stray from saying I enjoy helping and caring for others.... I can only imagine how cliched that sounds to admissions