Bullying or Not? Rant!

[skittlebear]

I just started a new job a month ago, and one senior co-worker is outright mean. I do not want to divulge details about where I work but it is in a doctors office setting. I don't know if I am just losing my mind, being too sensitive, or if this is truly bullying. I need insight on how to deal with a co-worker.

Again, I started working at this facility a month ago. The co-worker that normally trains new employees is out on leave but will be back in a month. I haven't met her yet. The nurse that is training me (and another new employee) is downright unprofessional (and that's putting it lightly). Every other sentence involves cursing (and in front of the patients). Management seems to LOVE he. She does do her job well, but it's how she treats others (me included) that gets me.

Let me start off by saying that cussing doesn't bother me at all but I feel there is a time and place for it and at work, in front patients, isn't that time. She also farts, a lot. I am being serious. I know you're probably laughing right now but picture yourself being in a confined space 12 hours a day with this going on. She will just let it rip wherever she is and laughs about it. Again, I get that if you gotta go, go but MY GOSH...every 1 or 2 hours and LOUDLY in front of everyone? At least we do have spray.

Finally, for the part that really has got me upset is that she is very condescending when she trains this other new nurse and myself. She tells us one time how to do something and gets very frustrated if we don't understand it the first time. I'm slow right now with the paperwork (I'm new) but she will literally tap her foot while I'm trying to complete it (it's written). This negative energy that is just radiating off of her prevents me from being able to concentrate on what I'm trying to learn. After I FINALLY complete my paperwork one day, I made a comment that I was slow and sorry. She said, "Well, this is a fast paced environment". That threw me back but I just smiled and said, "Well, I'm new right now but I will get faster." She then rolled her eyes and sighed. Good grief, am I back in high school. I kind of laughed (that's what I do when I get really mad). I think that made her even angrier. She will also whisper to the other coworker constantly and laugh at times when I or the other new nurse says something.

She does constructively criticize us at times but most of the time she lets us know everything we are doing wrong in a very condescending way. The other co-worker that has been there longer than her just does whatever she basically says. A different co-worker told me that this mean nurse has already made 2 other new nurses quit their job and stated that it was a very toxic environment.

When I asked "mean nurse" how I was doing she shook her head and said, "You got to get the paperwork down". That's all she said. I smiled and told her I would and that I'm new. Awkward silence followed.

Why am I still there? I love what I do. It isn't "typical" nursing and it's a relatively low stress job (if that mean nurse wasn't there). I'm also waiting for the senior nurse that has been out on leave to come back. After she's back I can then see how the dynamics really are. I don't feel like I know enough about this job to smart back off to her. I need her for her knowledge. After I feel like I know my job well I will be more comfortable putting her in her place (if she don't put me in my place first).

Thanks for listening to this long rant (it was more like a journal entry) but I also need advice. Being new is hard enough and this co-worker is really getting under my skin.

[skittlebear]

I would also like to add that I am a very sweet person (and that is also my downfall). One of my nursing instructors back in nursing school gave me very constructive criticism that If I'm not careful, I will be walked all over in my career. I am personable with this "mean nurse". I ask her how her day is and just "small talk". When she sees me she won't even say "Good morning'. Either she really dislikes me or lacks social skills. I have never had this problem before and when I told a few of my previous co-workers this scenario they said, "What, everyone gets along with you." I guess in a perfect world but I am a people person. I am also very self-conscious and haven't grown that "thick skin" yet. Once I know my job my skin does get thicker but when I'm new it's almost translucent.

[dishes, BSN, RN]

Bullying, incivility, rudeness, it doesn't really matter what you label her behaviour, the only thing you have control over is your response to it. You can choose to spend time thinking about it and planning how you will deal with it or avert it, but at the end of the day she is responsible for her own behaviuor. Don't let her take up space in your head, you have better things to focus on.

[roser13, ASN, RN]

I used to have the "too nice" gene as well. And have grown to realize that life is too short to spend part of it as a doormat. Furthermore, I have observed that every single co-worker who displays the traits of your co-worker is a coward at heart.

Bide your time, make it off orientation. When you feel confident in your position, begin to challenge the bully. If she has a predictable way or time of making cutting remarks, you can even mentally prepare your remarks.

"Why would you say that?"

"What, specifically, am I doing incorrectly?"

"I'm sure you didn't mean that to sound as (patronizing/rude/mean) as it did."

"Since you taught me to (perform the task) this way, I do not understand your criticism."

The trick is to remain calm, cool & collected. Even smile, if you can pull it off. Even better if there is an audience. I have yet to see a bully who doesn't back off when confronted in a rational way (thereby pointing out his/her irrational behavior). You won't change her behavior but she will likely move on to other, more compliant, victims.

[dishes, BSN, RN]

Agree with roser about biding your time until off orientation, of the questions roser suggested, the only one I would not ask is "Why would you say that?" Why questions usually illicit defensive responses.

[klone, MSN, RN]

My suggestion to you, and it's not going to be an easy one, is that you set up a meeting with her, in a private place, and with an impartial witness if necessary, to discuss how her behavior and actions are affecting you. That kind of behavior is unconscionable and should be stopped, but I'm a firm believer in addressing conflicts first with the person with whom you are having a conflict. I would also suggest keeping a journal of sorts, with specific dates and examples (preferably with quotes) of her incivility. You may need it at some point.

[Emergent, RN]

No advice, just ((((hugs)))). She sounds like a low-class, coorifice, insufferable woman. Ugh.

I'm sure others must have noticed her disgusting behavior. Start cultivating friends there who are halfway civilized, at least.

Good luck!

[skittlebear]

Emergent you Crack me up. Thanks for making me smile. I needed that!

Thanks to those who responded. Meet her outside of work? Oh goodness. I'm going to have to pray on that one. I know that would be beneficial. I'm just not sure she would agree to do that and if I could (gulp) do that. I am definitely going to start keeping a journal. That's a great idea. I will try to lay low as much as possible. I will keep "killing her with kindness" I guess. If anymore input would love to hear. Thanks guys

[skittlebear]

Sorry I just woke up. I get what your saying. Meet her in a private place at work. That will be hard to do because of how fast paced our job is. After its time for us to leave, they literally run out the door. I might talk to her and ask her if we can meet tomorrow.

[nutella, MSN, RN]

It sounds that the workplace is supporting her behavior because "she gets the job done". I am not saying that this is right - but it is how a lot of places still operate. And a lot folks from "old school" still think a new nurse needs to proof herself worthy, be "hazed" into the workplace by the means of somewhat degrading or condescending behavior.

Chances that you will change her are pretty much zero.

The only thing that will impress her is if you do your job up to speed and without many mistakes. My impression is that they want people to pull the weight and weed out nurses who can not function in a fast paced environment.

The question is how badly you want that job?

Of course one strategy is to confront her in private - but based on 20 y of nursing in all kind of settings I need to say that it usually backfires.

The other one is get rid of the idea that everybody needs to love and like you - this is a common downfall. I think it is normal that we want to be liked and perhaps even loved - but you go there to get a job done. Be professional, stay out of gossip, learn to do your job very well and grow a somewhat thick skin. If you laugh because you are nervous it is better not to say anything at all and instead just focus on some work. Don't go to work with the frame of "making friends". Perhaps you will make friends with somebody - but chances are you will not. Treating each other with respect is a must though. If she yells at you in front of other people you could say something like "this is inappropriate" and just do your work without going for confrontation to set some boundaries.

It will be easier for you to find a new job with some experience if you can sit it out a bit.

[Libby1987]

I would be fascinated to learn why others love her. Why do you think that is? It would take a lot for me to love anyone who swore in front of patients and loudly farted every hour, manager or not.

Otherwise, ignore all of her noise and learn your job the best and as quickly as you can. Once competent and confident you will have greater influence on the culture of your office.

[KatieMI, BSN, MSN, RN]

Just BTW, some people pass gas a whole lot and have little or no control about it. Crohn's, IBD, even labor/delivery issues gone wrong can lead to it. It is not always correctable condition, and it is embarrassing like not many other things but some of us just have no other choice.

Everything else, well... (hugs). If soft addressing the issues with the Powers doesn'the produce desired effect after second try, I would start to dust off my CV.