Anyone ever feel they don't know what they want

[iwanna]

Ever feel that you don't know what you want? That is how I feel, right now. I am waiting to hear about approval from SS to get RN training. But, sometimes, I lay in bed at night, and think, am I really going to make it that far? I think that it is really wishful thinking on my part. I have been out of nursing for four years. I have been grieving that I cannot return to do what I set out to do. My dr. okayed RN training, but that is only to get a sedentary job vs. physical. The more I think about it the odds of that happening are quite slim. I know that you need experience in certain area before they will consider you for these desk jobs. The only current experience I have is in behavioral health. I did work geri-psych, but that was six years ago. And, they closed the unit after one year.

I have still have considerable nursing school debt, as I didn't start till my late 30's. And, I have been feeling like a failure. Having to pay for something that I did not get much use out of. That I must return to nursing.

I even applied for a job online for job at county jail as an LPN. A friend of mine used to be RN in prison. She told me that an LPN job in county jail would not be physically demanding, and that I would probably love it. So, I decided to apply and got an interview, next week. I am thinking that I am probably getting back into something like when I worked in psych hospital. But, I think this will actually be more secure as having guards there. I don't know how physical this job actually is. It is only a county jail. Well, I will get more info during the interview. I don't know if I could handle it, But, I won't know unless I try.

And, if it doesn't work, perhaps I should try some medical records training. My sister told me of a girl that got a job as a medical record clerk at the jail. She was hired by the county, makes double of what she is making now, and only pays 1% of her health insurance.

The position that I applied for is an outside contractor. I believe all of the jails are doing that now.

Hmm, I don't know I would even be hired. Am I nuts for even trying? It is only PT, three 8 hr. shifts. Honestly, I am doing it for the money. I am only getting $1,000 a month now, and that is combined SSDI and LTD. My LTD will continue to pay me for one yr. as long as I am working PT. So, there is an incentive! I can pay more SS and make more when I retire.

Currently, I am in financial hell. My hubby and I gave up our apt. (fell behind in rent) It was due to him not working. Also, I am the mother of a single 23 yr. old mom. She is currently not working, so I help out there. My husband took a job 80 miles from here. I did not want to leave my elderly mother,or my beautiful grandbaby.(I am super-attached) to him. So, I moved in with my mother. Eventually, my husband will be back living with me. The place he is working at is relocating closer to where we live next fall.

Wow, did I get off track here. I must have undiagnosed ADD.lol But, honestly there are days, I just can't figure out what I want to do. One day, I think I want to try for RN again at current age of 51, then it's "maybe" work for this other job(if I would get it), and then there is the maybe I should forget about nursing altogether. The latter being, if it is too much for me physically. However, in my heart I want to do nursing. Now, if the rest of my body will cooperate! I am not doing bad now, but I have plenty of rest, too. I tend to get jobs, start out slow. Then the next thing you know, I am picking up more days.(And, my family greatly protests) Eventually, I am always the sucker who picks up the OT to help out. And, the end result is exacerbation of my illness.

Also, if I accept any job in nursing, I need good health benefits more than anything else. I will be giving up my disability. However, I still have a chronic condition and need good health benefits that I could afford.

Okay, I am sure everyone thinks that I am nuts. But, is there anyone else as confused as I am? I don't know what I want to do as I grow older?

[mammaoftwo]

I know how you feel. I have been on disability since 2001. I have tried several jobs in an attempt to return to work and have not been successful todate. I have wanted to be a nurse most of my life. I also wonder if I will be physically able to do the work. I have even thought of doing medical coding, however, I don't believe I can sit at a desk for 8 hours a day, five days a week. I do better being up moving than sitting for some strange reason. I have been taking classes for a year now, and have to make a decision before the summer semester what on earth I am going to do. I have applied again to LPN school and also am thinking of just going ahead and applying in Spring of 2009 for the Rn program for the fall of 2009. I don't know if the "wanting to" can override the "physical ailments" of being a nurse. I would have to look at an area where I would not be doing a lot of heavy lifting, there is no way my back can handle that. I have the compassion to be a wonderful nurse, a lot of people have told me this - it is just the physical aspect that scares me. It is scary and I am 55 now. Best wishes on whatever you decide. :nuke:

[presuppose]

You might look into being an intake nurse for home health. Hospice home health has various needs from nurses. The VA has different needs for nurses that are not physcially demanding (like phone work, even!). There's IV teams in different hospitals (at least here in Utah I know of such teams). I hope you stay with it, nursing needs compassionate people like you.

Hope this helps!

P

[nurseaboveboard]

If I am understanding your post you are an LPN, correct? I know certain hospitals hire LPNs as schedulers, procedures, etc. You do not say what your disability exactly is, but I think going back to school would be quite a load, but they might could accommodate for you somewhat. In my career experience, once on disability, it is often very hard to get off, but some certainly have. I certainly DON'T think you're "nuts," but you do sound depressed about your current situation, and I can understand this! I am currently trying to decide on a job that would better match my age and energy level. I am not disabled, but don't necessarily feel able to run myself into the ground like in the old days. I am trying to be really careful and explore the right job, but if I don't work, I have very little income, and no benefits. Thankfully, I am sort of a long range planner, so saved up enough to take a few months to figure out my next best move. Still, I haven't figured it out yet, but I've explored a few jobs. One brighter spot for you...I did some clinical hours with a jail nurse, and loved it. Maybe your interview will go well! Also, after a certain time on disability, you will qualify for Medicare? To me, if you are unable to do much physical work as LPN, how would getting your RN help, or be less demanding? I think if I were you, I would try to keep the income you currently have, continue to explore less physical possibilities as LPN, do anything in your power to help your mental, physical health, and disability, enjoy that lovely grandbaby, and have compassion for yourself. You sound like a great and loving person. You deserve a life! I wish you the very best.

[iwanna]

Thanks for replies. I have decided against going back to school. My age combined with my health is against me. If I was totally healthy that would be a different story. I was thinking of getting my RN becuase there are more opportunities for RNs in my area, than for LPN. Very few jobs for non-bedside nursing for LPN's. In fact, there was one job for doing chart reviews. I did that as an LPN when I worked in hospital rehab. However, this job absolutely required the RN. So, that is what started my thinking about getting RN. Also, Donna Meheandy,(author of Exceptional Nurse) questioned about getting my RN.

My disability is Sarcoidosis. It is an autoimmune disease. I have periods of exacerbations and remissions. I became sympotmatic in 1989, but no diagnosis until 1996. It was a very slow progressing disease. It started with tracheal stenosis, in 1989. Had surgery and breathing was fine. In 1993, I started with unexplained repetitve corneal ulcers. In 1994, my tracheal stenosis returned, had recontructive surgery. Dr. suspected I may have collagen vascular disease. At that time, I was getting ready to go to school for RN. Asked dr. if he thought I would be able to do it, and he gave his blessing. Then in 1995, I started with joint pain(knees and fingers) and saw a rheumatologist. Labs were questionable, but no definite diagnosis. He suggested that I go to teaching hospital. However, I dropped it and chose to ignore it. While in nursing school, it was very hard to keep up. It was about midway through and becoming more intense. I did not have the stamina to keep up with my studies. Although, I sure tried. I failed a med-surg course. I even continue to take my last jr. level course - peds. Then I could no longer move forward as that was the last jr. level. I needed to wait another year to get back in. So, I went to advanced placement for practical nursing. I got my LPN in 12 weeks. I never returned to RN school. And, right around the time of graduating from LPN program, I became seriously ill. I was in the hospital for one month. I had temp. of 104-105, liver enzymes highly elevated, I was in severe pain could not walk, coughing up blood. They found lesions on my spleen, liver, and lungs. Then I developed these huge red sores. I was then diagnosed in 1996 with "sarcoidosis".

I took my boards in March of 1997. I got a job in nursing home, April 1997. Although, I lasted a mere few months. I was overwhelmed with fatigue. When I wasn't working(and only worked PT), I was laying in bed. So, I quit. And, I was really questioning about working in nursing field. But, then in 1998, I obtained a job in hospital rehab. It wasn't physical at all, and I loved it. Unfortunately, they closed. Then, in June 2000, I got job at pysch hospital. It was more physical then I imagined, but it was do-able. However, I reached a point where my illness went in exacerbation mode. I was very fatigued, and resp. problems. I went on STD and returned after 3 months. While on STD, I devolped huges ulcers on my legs that looked very close to gangrene. It was very painful to walk. This was a manifestation of my illness.

When, I returned to work, it was PT, just three 8 hrs. a week. But, exhaustion set in, and I was running high temps. I knew that something was brewing up again. So, I resigned in June 2004. Applied for SSDI and got it. So, I am currently on medicare.

I have been on SSI in the past. I was on SSI from 1990 through 1998.

Social Security told me that if I returned to work and became disabled within 5 yrs., there would be no problem getting it without application. My biggest worry is the health benefits. I can have Medicare for 8 yrs., if health insurance is not available for me. However, I would need a secondary insurance. I currently have medicaid with medicare. I have an under the table job.(It is simply letting my sister's dog out while she is at work). That is all that was required to qualify for"workers with disabilities". Although, I do pay for the medicaid.

Currently, I do have arthritic pain. I do get fatigued when over exerting myself. I do have chronic anemia. Other than that I am okay.

I believe at this point that I can handle a job that is non-physical. I could probably even handle my old job at psych facility. However, I am a pushover and would probably be working more than I could handle. And, for that reason my family does not want me returning there. But, I do feel that I need to work. I have reached the point where I feel like a non-productive memeber of society.

[sharona97, BSN, RN]

Iwanna,

I totally understand the confusion about what is next, this is what I want to do, but can I?

I continue having these same thoughts and get emotionally ready to tackle for a solution and then another respiratory bout comes along. 2 weeks ago it was the flu. I was misdiagnosed for 4 months with the whooping cough in 2000. Just got up after a 6 week rest and boom went down again at work at 16 weeks. Did this act for 3 jobs. Then finally realized I could no longer do floor nursing.

My doctor okayed me for further education as well (I'm an LPN) and went down at school. So it continues to be a realistic mystery to me.

I wish you the best in any choice you make and will keep you in my prayers.

Good Luck.

Sharona