Admission essay help

[Soccerangel34]

Hello everyone, I need everyone's opinion if the essay prompt, that is shown below, matches to this paragraph, please.

• What life experiences and personal qualities will make you an outstanding professional nurse?

Completing my nursing prerequisites has helped me not only building up my compassionate to my friends and family but to be socially connected to college staff members. During my community college career, I learned to love myself for who I am and to show off to the society with my outgoing personality, and getting into the nursing major is the best match. There were so many organizations that the school was offering students to join in, so I chose to join an organization called TRiO (Transfer, Representative, Intuition, Organization). This student service program helped students, including myself, to help him or she find their profession by offering students variety of volunteer opportunities. I believe it is so significant to mention my experience when I joined one of volunteer opportunity I was offered to go. A couple of years ago, the TRIO staff asks to gather a group to volunteer at the MD Anderson Hospital. My group gathered to help with nurses and physicians to join the fun with kids called Camp Star Trail, who each kid have the different illness but have a great time to enjoy the fun like any joyful kid in the world. Without joining this trip, I will never have the opportunity to feel connected to a patient realizing that each and every one of the kids deserve to enjoy life, despite their illness. Our instructor assigns us a child who we will be responsible for, and there, I met an 8-year-old girl diagnosed with Leukemia who the child's name will not be mention due to patient's privacy. We had an ongoing adorable conversation about her little Barbie that she carried all the way to the camp trip. After arriving at the campsite, the little girl and I had the so much fun doing so many activities that were safe for kids to play. It was very unfortunate that our day was about to be over, which means it was time for us to take kids back to the hospital, so they can go back to the reality. When we arrived at our destination, it was time to say goodbye to the kids we had to take care of and bring them back to their parents. I had the opportunity to meet the little girl's parents. Instead of receiving a formal handshake I received a welcoming warm hug. They were so generous that the mother tearfully said it was her first time seeing their little girl running around with a huge smile on her face. That feeling of satisfaction coming from parent's patient made me feel I want to take that advantage to help other kids and parents feel valued in life. And that is one of the reasons my goal, since then, is to become a Neonatal Nurse. Ever since then, I felt that it was the right time to share my kindness and responsibility to a patient, and that is where TOMAGWA healthcare ministries were added to my life. After listening to the Volunteer coordinator explaining the origin of the clinic inspired me to join their team to help the staff with patients who struggle with non-English speakers as a translator, operator, and a receptionist. Nearly a year, I gain my communication skills by a few of my mentors on how to communicate with the doctors, nurses, and most important, the patients. Feeling great after staffs giving me a feedback that I am good at communicating with others gave me more self-confident to have a good view and pass this gaining knowledge to my Nursing career.

Since I started at a community college, I learned a few things that I did my best to overcome a few of my learning challenges that I know I can be ready to successfully overcome a few of the learning strategies in the nursing program. The first thing it is important to mention first is to talk to the professors. Our job is to pay attention and engage our work that professor assigns each student, but if myself or other students gets puzzled in a lecture or assignment we were given, but it is up to us to ask professors for assistance to recall a lecture or assignments given that we do not understand. It was hard for myself to overcome the fear to approach to a professor face-to-face, but later through time, my TRIO family helped me to overcome that fear. Being in the medical field is a good illustration of how as a team work together, to get things done and to patients feel satisfied at the end of the day. Same Ideas with the nursing students. We help each other as a team and not leave any student behind, regardless if anyone has a question from a subject he or she is confused about, such as homework, studying test, or clinical.

I am grateful to say that during my community college journey, my prayers are been heard to send guidance to give me enough support while I am done with my college career. I could not have done successfully finish my Associates of Science without out the help of my TRIO counselors, close friends, and my little family. If they all believed I can walk across the stage for my Associates of Science, then there is no doubt they believe I can walk across the stage for my Bachelors of Science in Nursing.

[thatgirl2478]

I think you're on the right track. May I ask if English is your first language? There are a few places where phrasing isn't exactly typical. I would suggest that you take this to your school's writing clinic! They can offer a LOT of assistance with making it flow more easily.

I think you're on the right track. May I ask if English is your first language? There are a few places where phrasing isn't exactly typical. I would suggest that you take this to your school's writing clinic! They can offer a LOT of assistance with making it flow more easily.

THIS. Many grammatical errors, as well as the need for paragraphs.