Thank you crazyoldnurse. I truly appreciate the concern. I particularly liked the HOW reference. I do not want to hide my addictive ways. I am a very grateful recovering addict with no delusions about the possiblity of using again. Anyone who knows that they are an addict also knows that there are no promises to be made that they will NEVER use again. I like to look at it as there always being some situation waiting for me up ahead that will drive me back to using. It is up to me to remain diligent in preparing myself for that moment. Meetings, a strong support group, and daily reflection are all a part of this preparation. There are meetings in every city of this country, and part of my plan is to find these places before I ever take the first step to a new city. I am not doing this to run from anything. If I were interested in that, I would never have self-reported in the first place. I am also not interested in isolating myself. My sponsor once told me that in a world with over 7 billion people, we are only alone if we choose to be. The trick is to find people who truly understand and repect my situation and associate most with them. One of the major problems in my past was not being alone, but in just going along with the crowd to feel accepted. Well, these days, I'd rather be around a crowd that actually accepts me, rather than feeling like I have to fit in.
One of the most important aspects of my sobriety now is that I like myself sober. I honestly NEVER felt this while using, or in my previous attempts to get clean. I now care, and I care about caring. Just like these words that I'm saying. In my addiction, I really don't care about taking the time to say such things. They were just so much dribble, and I couldn't be bothered. Now, however, they have meaning and purpose, and they just feel right. I like that! As do terms like HOW, one day at a time, keep it simple, etc. These became, have been, and remain a part of my daily reflections and prayers.
I even recently turned down a postion as a supervisor where I'm presently employed, not because I was afraid to try, but simply because I foresaw it as a very stressful situation. I will take the lesser money and responsibility if it keeps me sober. And all of this is still no absolute guarantee. I am not considering travelling as an escape, but as an option. Where I am at is, to say the least, a very hostile environment. Moreso than most that I have seen in my 25 years, and the area that I am living in is basically a closed system. Get a bad rep in one, and you are bad to all. I want to get back to the place in this profession that I feel most comfortable...ICU. After repeated attempts, this is not going to happen here. I am ultimately looking for a home. I only pray that I am not simply talking myself into another rut. We all know how this disease works. Very insidiously! I can only pray for the strength to accept life on lifes terms, and to continue to do the best I can.
I am about to complete 5 years with RPP, and if I continue where I am at, I will begin to feel trapped (did I just say begin), and this is as detrimental to me as anything. Just want a change of scenery, and new opportunities. Not an answer to all my problems. That doesn't work, as I know from experiance. Just remember, where ever you go, there YOU are.
Sorry for all the wordiness. This is a topic (sobriety) that I firmly believe in. Hey, DON'T GET ME STARTED! (oops, too late....LOL). Again thank you for your concern, as well as for all the comments I've gotten. It certainly helps to know that others care. And who knows, maybe I'll eventually meet some of you in my travels. That would be so cool. Til later.