Starting to actually like nursing!

I started out even wondering if I should get an RN degree. I came from being mostly a stay at home mom, and also had a degree in a non health-related field. Nursing school was VERY strange to me, as were clincals, my preceptorship and the actual preceptorship on the floor. It was just all so new to me -- the culture of nursing and the hospital. Through so much of it I was nervous, SEVERELY anxious, would go home crying, etc, etc. --wondered if I'd made a mistake, HATED the job, HATED the co-workers, the patients, their nutty families, etc. I SO doubted myself so much of the time and had so much fear about things and my abilities.

And then, something just seemed to turn around. I can't even pinpoint it. I'm about five months off orientation now and a lot of it I've done before now, a lot of it I CAN handle, a lot of it I keep in my head now. I seem to be gaining my confidence now and don't really get riled about things as much. I mean -- docs don't even bother me anymore -- even if they ARE mean -- I just realize they also are under a lot of stress and patients are making incredible demands on them as well.

I don't know if I've trained my brain, or what -- but for some reason, not much scares me anymore. Things just all seem to work out and I've come to realize that the entire WORLD does not rest on my shoulders. Nursing is a team effort and I am just a part of it.

I can't say I absolutely LOVE my unit -- there are crazy things about it. I will probably move on when the committment is done, but I can now see myself surviving it for the next year and am excited to move on to the next speciality. I mean -- I am STOKED about wherever it is I will go next!!

And I have even precepted another nurse or two now, which was REALLY a confidence booster for me.

And I have had my challenges -- a special needs son while in nursing school, a non-existent spouse, family demands, budget demands, etc, etc. NO HELP, fighting fatigue, etc.

I don't know. All I can say is stick with it, wade through the pain, the suffering, the hurt, and the fear -- and you CAN come through it and start to gain confidence. And believe me, I am the most self doubting, underconfident, shy, anxious self beater upper you've ever seen!!

I had a cute patient the other day -- albeit a very sick one. He was lethargic during most of the time I was caring for him -- a little stoic vietnamese man. But after a couple days of t king care of him, I confidently asked if he would give me a smile -- and he did. A toothy grin, right at me -- he KNEW I enjoyed taking care of him -- and his smile was the most heartwarming thing I've seen in a long time.

Stick with it - the confident YOU will emerge. It takes time -- sometimes it takes dealing with that humilation, or terror, or disappointment -- but you CAN turn that corner. If I did, anyone CAN.

(now hoping that my glorious positive rant will not be jinxed by some horrific day or night at work -- but still feeling confident I can also rely on team members to help me through it -- also a good feeling).