I made it. :D

I did it, I reached my goal. I will be officially off probation this coming week. I have received good reviews and have transitioned from being a children's psych nurse into the role of a oncology floor nurse.

My first job in children's psych was a pretty sweet deal. We didn't have constant stress since we were a residential facility, but the politics were insane! Nurses at my first facility were supposed to be "seen and not heard " I loved my coworkers and I loved the children, but I wanted more medical experience and more respect as a nurse.

My next job was working on a med-surg floor at a large hospital; but it didn't go well. I wasn't a new graduate, but I also didn't have acute experience. I didn't get the orientation that I was told I would get, because I was an "experienced" nurse to the other nurses I worked with. It was frustrating and I cried almost every night after work. My preceptor did not help, and made work miserable. She would time me on how long I was with patients, tell me I was too slow, and actually scolded me a few times in front of a patient . I doubted my abilities and if I was meant to actually be a nurse. The supervisor dropped the bomb finally and said while I had amazing patient care and assessment skills, I wasn't making the progress in the 5 weeks that they wanted for me to be off orientation at 8 weeks. I was told maybe a nursing home would be more ideal for me and given the choice to quit or be terminated. It was devastating.

Ever since high school I have wanted to be a nurse. Now I was looking at myself in the mirror wondering how others could succeed where I couldn't. I cried in self-pity and my self esteem plummeted. I didn't have the luxury of staying long without a job and began applying for different jobs. One was at a smaller nearby hospital; I was interviewed, given the tour, and offered a job on the Oncology Med-Surg Unit.

The beginning was rough, I was be anxious because of experience I had had at my last job. My supervisor recommended me to EAP to get some extra support. While it was what I needed, it still hurt.

I went twice to EAP before finding my own therapist. My difficulties at work began to easy and everything started to improve. There were a few nurses I could relate to and enjoyed learning/working from. One nurse told me that she felt I had a lot of potential. It felt so good to be recognized and have someone tell you they had faith in you. Soon after, I was off orientation and out on my own. I felt more confident in my skills, but still anxious of being let go at any given time, such as what happened at the other Med-Surg unit.

With time, I became more relaxed and less dependent on my coworkers. They became my resources, confidants, and friends when I had a question or needed to vent. I was praised for the extra mile I would go for my patients and how hard I worked. The nurse that helped me feel confident before wrote an amazing e-mail to my supervisor about me (I have a copy of it on my wall given to me by my supervisor.) Her faith in me and my potential was exactly what I needed. A tech became very close to me as well, she would say in front of patients that "This is your wonderful nurse." and "She is very good, you are lucky to have her."

Now in a week my probation is up! I have learned so much in regards to medicine, life, and everything in between. I have survived and now I am thriving. I found my niche and myself. Being a nurse is more than just a job, it is a part of who we are. Nursing is where I belong. I am proud to say Hello, I am your nurse.