borderline friend help

  1. i have a good friend. she is borderline. i have known this all along. so far it hasnt caused ny problems between us. i have set limits with her all along, she knows her staying overnite at my house, or us spending times together are conditional to my limits, i dont let her get away with manipulating me, or lieing to me. i pull her on it. if she starts pushing too far i tell her n warn her i will leave if she doesnt stop, and i follow through. so far this has worked. last time she was admitted, she had a new psychiatrist, he discharged her after 5 days. she went back to er the next day to try and get admitted again n they sent her home. she does not keep follow up appointments, she has been offered counselling and hasnt attended. she will not go to groups.

    now her manipulation and lies have gotten her into trouble legally. she must attend probabtion appointments and accept treatment offered or she will go to prison, the psychiatrist that evaluated her for court did not feel compulsory hospitalisation would be beneficial to her so unless he changes his mind its not gonna happen even though she wants that course of action.

    she is determined not to go to probation appointments, not to go to psychiatric appointments with her usual psychiatrist cos she doesnt like him, and if this court psychiatrist offers to treat her she says she isnt gonna attend those appointments either.

    i have ensured she knows wat the consequences of her not complying with probabtion will be, i have told her i can be supportive and i will try and help her. i have also told her that she has to be the one to accept the help and comply, that i cannot and will not force her to attend things, and that i will not stand by and watch her mess up big time. i have told her if she does not attend her first probabtion appointment i will walk away from her alltogether. i cant make her do wat she is sposed to, i know that.

    am i doing the rite thing? is there nything else i can do? nyone got ny ideas?

    sorry this is so long
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  2. 11 Comments

  3. by   purplemania
    she is making her decisions. Let her suffer the consequences. You ARE being manipulated, whether you realize it or not, because she knows she has you to fall back on. As long as that is a comfortable position for you, ok, but it is obvious (according to your story) that she will never change. Not ever illness, including mental ones, are curable. You just have to decide if there is more emotional pain (for you) in staying in that friendship or not. I applaud you for trying.
  4. by   catz
    thanks, i think having written esays everywhere that is the decision i have come to, i cant make her do nything, i know that and i cant stand back n watch were she is heading so i gotta walk away.......which saddens me. were is the magic wand that makes everything right?
  5. by   Newbie4
    Please take a look at the board, bpdcentral.com. There you will find many people who are in very similar situations. Walking away is very difficult, but sometimes necessary.
  6. by   Tweety
    Sounds like you're doing a good job at detaching and allowing this person to accept the consequences of their own behavior, and that you are not in any way responsible for that behavior. Good luck.
  7. by   walterrn
    I have found that the #1 symptom of BP is:

    "What can I do to sabotage my treatment?"

    Sometimes being a friend can be taxing on the soul. First and foremost, I need to take care of me. I ask myself the following question whenever I have a dilemma, "What am I doing or not doing physically, emotionally and spiritually to increase my well-being?"

    Sounds to me that you've explained things to your friend and the ball is in her court.

    Walter the Nurse
  8. by   catz
    thank you, i have managed to step back from her, i have explained repeatedly that i wont rescue her etc etc. tonite she had another crisis, she called me at 1am to say shed gotten into trouble were she lives n staff were evicting her. she didnt no wat she wanted me to do about it lol. i suspect staff merely told her to go away till she had calmed down, as they have done b4. i refused to let er come stay with me and she hung the phone up. no doubt she will be fine again in the morning when she gets up but boy do i feel guilty.

    ill check out that website , thanks
  9. by   Eviene
    Your advice to her is sound, but you're her friend, not her nurse. I'd sort that out straightaway.
  10. by   BabyRN2Be
    I'm just curious, but it sounds like she wants to be hospitalized. Why would anyone want to be in the hospital? I know that psych is not my specialty, but I'm just wondering why someone would want to be put into the hospital?
  11. by   catz
    thank you evienne, i havent seen her in about 3 weeks, after her latest drama. i suspect she isnt talking to me cos i didnt jump but i dont need her hassle in my life so when i move in a few weeks i wont give her my new details and she wont be able to get in touch. i have to look after me and she wants more than a friend from me. i cant be more.

    baby, psych isnt my speciality either, but the attraction to hospital is that they are then responsible for her life. 4meals a day cooked ready, no washing up, no chores no bills to pay no rent to pay etc etc etc. here the good old nhs takes care of the costs. lus company 24 hrs a day 7 days a week. thats the attraction i think. heck it even appeals to me occasionally, no responsibility........
  12. by   BabyRN2Be
    Thank you, Catz. I don't know much about BPD, but that sounds like a plausible explanation. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by setting boundaries. It really doesn't matter if your friend is upset at you. I know it's not a good thing to be selfless all the time, but you are taking care of yourself, and that's really nothing that a person with this disorder would do for you.

    I kind of forgot that a stay on the psych floor is different from staying on a regular inpatient floor. I believe there's a big difference between the two. Sadly, my brother has had to stay on a psych floor, and it is different from other hospital floors.

    It sounds like you are doing a great job. Just stand strong, OK?
  13. by   catz
    thanks baby, yeah psych wards are very very differnt. this friend also likes normal wards to though lol, she has epilepsy but she has sussed that if she says she has this many fits a day they will admit her for obs. she never ever has fits in there. ( and she is known to most of the ambulance drivers and er staf as a faker)

    thanks for the encouragement, i am learning about bpd, i didt no nything bout it till i started researching n reading a few months ago. im finding psych very interesting......mite even consider retraining n doing psych nursing sted of paeds when i get round to going back to work.

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