Tips for getting help from family while in school....

crittytn · Feb 24, 2012

I'm afraid I only have negative things to say and nothing positive, so I won't go there in details. I wish you the best of luck though in all you're doing!

NICUmiiki, DNP, NP · Feb 24, 2012

Well, have you ACTUALLY sat down with him and discussed it like a grown up? (I'm not being mean, just read on..) I mean beyond the 'I need help and support' convo. I'm talking about the followup 'I specifically need you to do this specific stuff for me so I don't flunk out of nursing school' convo. I get mad at my boyfriend A LOT because he didn't do something as simple as... read my mind. :banghead: Well, duh Miiki!!!

rubato, ASN, RN · Feb 24, 2012

I made a detailed list of everything that needed to be done daily, weekly and monthly. It included everything from loading the dishwasher to cleaning the ceiling fans, grocery shopping, mowing the yard, everything. Even I was shocked at how much I do in this house. My husband and son looked at it and started signing up for jobs. I start this fall, but am taking 18 prereq credit hours now, so they're already helping.

tsm007 · Feb 24, 2012

My husband is a horrible mother/wife, but an excellent father/husband. He sucks at housework and organization, but does a great job with the kids. He can't cook to save his life, but he can do dishes and some things okay. What I would do is figure out what things he can do and go from there. I know for my husband dinner is not happening if I put him in charge so I usually prep dinner on the nights I will be busy now. I have everything put together so all he has to do is put in the oven. I use paper plates and tinfoil all my pans to save on time. Where we have worked things out is that I go to bed at 8ish and he takes over. He puts all the kids to bed and he does the dishes at night. He takes the kids on the weekend and we do pizza so I can get my work done. I guess what I am saying is instead of approaching him with the your lazy you don't help enough attitude figure out what he can do and go from there. Make a list of things you need done. Men sometimes have to be told exactly what you want done. They don't always see the things that need to be done. Do the organization and delegate specific tasks you need done.

CT Pixie, BSN, RN · Feb 24, 2012

While I was attending LPN school, my husband had to take over many of my 'jobs'. He didn't fold the towels like I do so I would refold them, he didn't do this or that like I do so I would re do it. I finally realized that although the tasks might not be done the way I do them, they are done and it saved me the time of doing it. I had to let go and release some of my need for total control.

I noticed with my husband, although he was more than willing to pitch in, unless I specifically told him what needed to be done, he would not do much of anything. He would 'help' by say cleaning out the junk drawer or organizing the closet even though there were a pile of dishes in the sink or no milk in the fridge, unless I spefically said Mr Pixie, can you do me a favor and wash the dishes (throw the whites in the wash/fold the clothes/etc). Finally came up with a list for him and things were better.

While my husband is a great husband and father to our children, when it came to 'household' stuff, he needed to be told exactly what needed to be done, could be left for later and what could be left indefinatly.

Also, if/when your boyfriend does pitch in, do not criticize his cooking/cleaning etc, that tends to make them not want to do anything because 'its never good enough". If he folds the towels into 1/3 and you do them in 1/2, leave them in 1/3! If he cleans the table with pledge but you always clean it with orange oil, don't go over it again with to orange oil..am I making sense?

I'm back in school doing my LPN to RN and I've had to go back to relying on him to pitch in, which he readily does. But now, he knows the drill and doesnt need step by step instructions on what needs to be done etc. Now *I* just have to remember to try and stop being in total control of the house and how its run :)

Biggest suggestion, have a heart to heart with him, let him know exactly what you need help with.

Patti_RN · Feb 24, 2012

The advice others gave is excellent. Being 'supportive' isn't quantifiable. Checking off chores as they are completed is! It goes back to Psych 101--reinforce desirable behaviors with rewards.

First step is to talk to him about exactly what you need help with; together, split household chores according to each of your abilities (don't have him do the laundry if you fear your lab coats will come out pink after he washes them with his red t-shirt--but how can anyone screw up washing dishes?) Put it in writing so there is no miscommunication. And, don't YOU be the one to do the assignments--no one is every 'on board' if they are have no input in the decision making. Work on the list of chores together, split the list together, agree to revisit the subject each week to see how it's going, agree to make changes as necessary. Praise his efforts and tell him how much his efforts help you. Don't expect immediate miracles, he's not going to become Martha Stewart overnight. And, he's probably going to resist the change (would YOU want to suddenly become the dishwasher, bathroom cleaner, laundry folder if you had someone do them for you all your life?) And, even if he does pitch in and help he's going to eventually slip back to his old ways unless you stay focused on maintaining the change. Whatever you do, don't get frustrated and give up; that only reinforces his behaviors and makes it less likely that any positive change will be lasting. If it's his turn to do the dishes and they're piling up in the sink DON'T pull up your sleeves and do them! That only teaches him that if he ignores his duties long enough you'll do them for him.

When my husband was in grad school I pretty much took over all the household duties. He got his grades at the end of a semester and said, "If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have achieved this." His appreciation and thanks made all those dishes, meals and grocery trips worth it.

Good luck with school and your boyfriend.

HouTx, BSN, MSN, EdD · Feb 24, 2012

Hmm - funny that none of the PP's have pounced on a major issue here so I'll give it a go.

You're taking on a huge amount of new "work" with school. Your life is going to change. The change does not have to destroy your relationship also. Just accept the fact that you will not be able to maintain all of the same standards when you begin school. I mean seriously -- cleaning ceiling fans?? Get used to the fact that you'll have to let go of some things. So - what are your "must-haves"? Do you gag when you see a dirty dish in the sink? If so, loading the dishwasher is probably a must-have. But, unless you faint dead away at the sight of an unmade bed, give that one away as part of your negotiations. Daily vacuuming will probably have to be replaced with once-a-week. It's very do-able. Just don't obsess on it - it'll all work out.

Heck, I 'gave away' laundry to DH when I was in my BSN program & never took it back!!!! Turned out that he didn't mind doing it. All it cost me was a few ruined garments over the years... never did get in the habit of looking at the care labels. He also took on grocery shopping and did it very well. In return, I accepted responsibility for taking care of my own car maintenance.. turned out he hated that but had never told me.

Good luck!

caroladybelle, BSN, RN · Feb 24, 2012

My question is WHY was he not doing these things BEFORE you started nursing school? And how did they get done in his life before you two started living together?

It is sad, the number of men that I have dated in my life (single, divorced, widowed) that are completely unable to load/ unload a dishwasher, or separate clothes to be laundered.

On_the_on, BSN · Feb 24, 2012

I completely agree will all the previous posters. For MY family, this worked for US.

My husband starts his LPN program next month while working full time. I start my RN program in the fall. We have two girls that are 9 and 7.

We sat down as a family and discussed exactly how busy we are going to be, and how these degrees are a FAMILY benefit. The girls fully understand that their chores are going to increase and I am taking the time to teach them how to do things now. (How to do THEIR laundry, make simple meals, clean the bathrooms...etc)

We have discussed the good bad and the ugly. :) They know life is going to be hell for little while as we all work for the greater good.

We also joke a lot that each degree will have all our names on it.

You have to do what is right for you and your family. My best advice is that same as the others, TALK about it (everything) before you start!

Good luck!

CDEWannaBe · Feb 24, 2012

A couple thoughts:

- Everyone is different. Some people are neat and others are messy. Guys have a much higher threshold for piles of dirty dishes and filthy laundry than most women do. You may have to compromise your standards.

- Part of being in a relationship is sacrificing and doing nice things for each other.

- Read Gary Chapmann's book "The Five Love Languages." Chores mean more to some people than others.

- Work together to create of plan of chores you're each responsible for.

- Have cleaning time for 20 minutes each night or one evening a week. Turn off the TV, turn on good music and get stuff done together.

- If you can afford it, hire a cleaning person.