Scared of Failure..Anxiety..Fear..Second Thoughts..Need Advice Please.

[49*1]

Hello everyone, First I just wanted to say thank you for reading this post, sorry for it being so long. it has been a very long time since I have been back on AllNurses.com and writing a post, but I have been struggling personally and feel others from here can relate more than family and friends can..So here I am hoping to find some advice and guidance from you, who may be or have been in my position.

I am 29 years old, have mild to moderate anxiety, mostly social and the disorder affects my stomach and causes me to be nervous around public places and areas I do not feel safe or familiar around. I can control it, especially since I feel better when I eat no gluten (have had all the tests, etc. simply IBS) I've lived with this most of my life, and at times it was worse and sometimes better, but has prevented me from reaching goals or choosing a certain career because of the fear of being in a position I didn't feel comfortable in. Anyway, after H.S I was relieved to be done with school and never really planned to attend college(always felt I could never do it..anxiety..stomach issues..etc)

After a very long conversation with my cousin, I decided to become a Nurse in 2008 and began taking classes towards my degree..went on the wait list..all of that. Was receiving A's and B's in science classes and psych, etc. My confidence was building, and I had a 3.4 GPA. Things changed as Life does, entered a relationship, experienced and worked many different jobs (trying to afford a mobile home, etc) got engaged..school was fading and my mind set was just not into it as It was at the beginning. During this time I was called for Nursing and had to turn it down (was not financially capable) After this point Nursing sort of left the picture and I struggled again working different jobs trying to find my career..none satisfied me. Since I enjoyed the healthcare field..I got my EMT cert and landed a job with a good company..planned on going on to getting my Paramedic, but found out a large amount of money was needed to enter the program (8,000) of course I did not have this, nor anyone to lend it to me. Nursing school calls me again a few days later after hearing about the money situation with the medic program..once again I was not ready financially to enter nor personally and emotionally..engagement ended.

For the past couple of years I have been bouncing from job to job trying to find myself..trying to make a good living..i guess secretly in my mind trying to avoid going back to college..At times I have driven myself crazy with all the constant thoughts rambling around in my mind about a career choice..can I actually handle nursing school..i am terrible in math and spelling..will I be able to calculate dosages..will my anxiety overcome me..and it goes on and on..

Basically being 29 yrs old and now living back at home and jobless at the moment..gives me more time then I want or need to think about all the above..Nursing somehow always creeps back into the picture someway and/or somehow..I think how good of a Nurse I can be to pts and visualize myself in the position doing it..I have 29 college credits, all my pre-reqs done already..but like my title and what I wrote in this post keeps me second guessing..preventing me from making the leap, afraid I will waste more time of my life and if I fail..leave me back at square one looking yet again for a career, but only being older then I was.

I know there is a lot of negativity in this post, and I am trying to keep positive but I have to be realistic as well..right?

Right now I do not know my location on the Nursing list at my college..i think they are upset with me because they have no gotten back to me in a long time about my placement..I was looking into the LPN program at a very popular and known Vocational school in my town..it is 10 months long M-F, but I missed this years application and have to wait until next Fall 2014. I thought maybe doing this for a year to gain some experience and confidence, plus it would be less time then being called for the nursing program again, and get me working again making a decent living sooner. I registered to take the entrance exam in Nov this year, if I pass I am in. The college I was attending for the RN has a bridge program to challenge and if I pass the requirements, I would have 3 semesters and I can take my RN boards.

Thank you so much for reading and posting any advice you might have for me..I definitely need it right now.

So that is what I am thinking of right now as a goal for myself..but again the fear..anxiety..thoughts, etc..are keeping me holding back or changing my mind. The waiting the year too is definitely playing a role in it as well.

[ScientistSalarian]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I'm close to your age and struggle with anxiety myself so I can definitely sympathize. The first thing you need to do is get a handle on your disorder and figure out how to manage it so that it's not getting in the way of you accomplishing what you need to accomplish. As a nursing student you're going to be exposed to new people and places constantly so you need to be certain that it's really under control before you get yourself into a clinical setting. Maybe you could start volunteering at a hospital while you're waiting to start your program in order to get a feel for the environment - this might alleviate some of the uncertainty you have about whether nursing is going to be a good fit for you and will give you something productive to do during your wait time.

I think you should contact your school to find out exactly where you stand on that waiting list. It's great that you have a plan B (LVN --> RN) but knowing if you're still in the running for the RN program and when you might be offered a seat would be one less thing for you to worry about. And since you're planning on going through the RN program either way, you need to think about how you're going to pay for it and get some sort of plan in place so that you don't have to defer again if you're offered a spot.

Your science grades and GPA are solid and it seems like you've given this a lot of thought, all indications that you have the capacity to be a successful nursing student. You know what you need to work on both personally (anxiety) and academically (spelling, math) so try to formulate a plan of action to tackle each of those things before you begin your nursing program. A medical terminology class might be a great help with spelling issues, and I've found the Dosage Help site that others have recommended here on AN to be really useful in curbing my anxiety about having to do medication calculations. I know from experience that it's easier said than done, but try not to dwell on the possibility of future failure - there's just no point in speculating and it will only keep you from doing what you need to do in the present. Good luck with everything!

[phoenixnim]

You need positive affirmations. I know it may sound silly. But, I struggle with staying positive and the fear of failing. I have no choice right now but to live with very unsupportive parents that cross the line into emotional abuse at times. Being your own cheerleader can kind of suck... I'm a single mom with 2 kids, and my parents are really good at pushing my buttons for guilt and fear that make me second guess myself A LOT! But!

Think this... where do you want to be in 5 years? If you won the lottery and money was no issue, what would you want to do with your life? The answer to that will help guide you to your true passion. If that's to help people and become a nurese... then, time to tackle the fear.

Some of the quotes/affirmations that I have put on my desk when I need the reminders...

"Don't live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable!" ~ Wendy Wasserstein

"Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and start being positive about what could go right."

"Making a big life change is pretty scary. But you know what's even scarier? REGRET!"

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~ Mark Twain

"Consult not on your fears, but your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with with what you tired and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do." ~ Pope John XXIII

And the best for last:

"...For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "no" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything, all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart." ~ Steve Jobs

[AshlieV]

Seems as if your really meant to be a nurse if you have repeatedly gotten call backs from schools. What you need to do is take the idea that after all this time nursing is still calling you and run with it. Run with it away from the all thats opposing including finances schools will work with you and when its all said and done and you have your degrees eventually youll be a working rn. You have to set aside doubt because you are capable.

[DadStudentPerhaps]

I've dealt with anxiety for half of my life. I have had everything from mild anxiety to panic attacks. Anxiety can be a crippling thing, but it doesn't have to be.... Once you learn the warning signs, You can take measures to minimize the severity. Also, know that things like caffein can make anxiety worse, where exercise actually helps decrease symptoms. I know first hand how it feels avoiding doing things because of crowds or cramped areas where you feel trapped. You've just got to face these uncomfortable situations head-on. Allow your self some breaks here and there to de-stress as well. I also like having a plan in mind that allows me a means to leave a room or class if I feel particularly anxious. I was worried about classrooms, but once I'm engaged in the lessons for that day, I forget about the anxiety. Just know your not alone, there are thousands of people who suffer from anxiety.

[49*1]

Thank you..I think you are right 100% about be becoming a Nurse, The first time I was called, I had to pass it up and I deferred my spot..I was then called again to fill my deferment. Again I had to pass up..and here I am now going into LPN school next Fall..Besides all my past..i have to focus on the present, and stop worrying about the future.