Rough Draft of Nursing Admission Essay-Feedback? :)

  1. 0
    Working alongside the nurses a XYZ Hospital has been my most valuable medical experience thus far. They showed me that the heart of nursing was the approach of putting otherís needs before your own. Perhaps the most striking thing to me though, was the nurses themselves. After spending much time with them I was determined to turn my academic compass towards focus, success, and a new goal: to become a nurse. Itís been four years now, and I am still on my journey of getting into a nursing program, which has been a lesson and a test in itself.

    Throughout most of high school I was disinterested in the class material, didnít once study for a test, and managed to get average grades. I quickly picked up my first job working with children at an afterschool program in Northampton. I felt fulfilled to be taking care of kids, and to be working in order to make my own money. In the beginning of my senior year I realized that all of my friends were applying to four-year colleges. I suddenly felt scared that I would never make it to college with my mediocre grades hanging over my head. I knew I needed to engage myself in something that excited me, so I took an internship at XYZ.

    My first day in the Endoscopy unit, I was assigned to a nurse named abc. She was the most energetic person I had ever met, besides the kids at the afterschool program, and I quickly learned why. ABC spent her whole shift power -walking around the unitís floor admitting patientís into their rooms, taking their vital signs, and greeting them after their procedures, all while simultaneously recording all of the patientís information onto a chart. ĎIs this what IíM going to be doing?í I thought to myself, while I observed her superwomen-like capabilities. Instead, I was assigned to: stock bags which included hospital socks and gowns, sanitize and dress the beds, and toast English muffins and pour juice for patients who were coming out of their colonoscopies. I enjoyed bringing snacks to the patients because they had not been able to eat before their procedure and therefore they were usually happy to see me.

    When she or one of the other nurses that took me under their wing werenít busy, they would teach me how to take blood pressure using the Sphygmomanometer, or blood pressure cuff. I remember being delighted in thinking they could be eating right now or taking a break, but instead they wanted to teach me! I felt grateful to be in a position of caring for people who were in need, and who probably didnít feel their best. Around the end of my internship some of the nurses I had grown to admire were laid off. It was a sad time for everyone, but the nurses knew they would carry their compassion with them elsewhere.

    When I was eight years old I was filling Ziploc bags with water. I cut a string and taped one end to the bag, and one end to my friendís arm. (She needed fluids of course). Since then I have graduated High School, and gotten my Associates Degree from Greenfield Community College. This is my third time applying to the nursing program, and I hope the third timeís a charm. I will be an amazing asset to your program because I have the integrity to keep pursuing my dream, even in the face of rejection. I have always paid for my college education completely by myself because I know Iíll be able to help people in a big way one day, even if that means struggling. I have raised money by fundraising in order to take a CNA course this summer, and it is imperative that I start my journey as a nurse this year.[/h]
    Last edit by traumaRUs on Feb 14, '13

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  2. 0
    I think it's a great essay! Lots of evidence and straightforward statements about your goals and what you've done to achieve them. Wishing you lots of luck!
  3. 0
    Awesome essay :]
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    ***Revised******

    Working alongside the nurses at Cooley Dickinson Hospital has been my most valuable medical experience thus far. They showed me that the heart of nursing was the approach of putting other’s needs before your own. Perhaps the most striking thing to me though, was the nurses themselves. After spending much time with them I was determined to turn my academic compass towards focus, success, and a new goal: to become a nurse. It’s been four years now, and I am still on my journey of getting into a nursing program, which has been a lesson and a test in itself.

    Throughout most of high school I was disinterested in the class material, and got by with average grades. I quickly picked up my first job working with children at an afterschool program in Northampton. I felt fulfilled to be taking care of kids, and to be working in order to make my own money. In the beginning of my senior year I realized that all of my friends were applying to four-year colleges. I suddenly felt scared that I would never make it to college with my mediocre grades hanging over my head. I knew I needed to engage myself in something that excited me, so I took an internship at Cooley Dickinson Hospital.

    My first day in the Endoscopy unit, I was assigned to a nurse named ABC. She was the most energetic person I had ever met, besides the kids at the afterschool program, and I quickly learned why. Laura spent her whole shift power -walking around the unit’s floor admitting patient’s into their rooms, taking their vital signs, and greeting them after their procedures, all while simultaneously recording all of the patient’s information onto a chart. ‘Is this what I’M going to be doing?’ I thought to myself, while I observed her superwomen-like capabilities. Instead, I was assigned to: stock bags which included hospital socks and gowns, sanitize and dress the beds, and toast English muffins and pour juice for patients who were coming out of their colonoscopies. I enjoyed bringing snacks to the patients because they had not been able to eat before their procedure and therefore they were usually happy to see me.

    When she or one of the other nurses that took me under their wing weren’t busy, they would teach me how to take blood pressure using the Sphygmomanometer, or blood pressure cuff. I remember being delighted in thinking they could be eating right now or taking a break, but instead they wanted to teach me! I felt grateful to be in a position of caring for people who were in need, and who probably didn’t feel their best. Around the end of my internship some of the nurses I had grown to admire were laid off. It was a sad time for everyone, but the nurses knew they would carry their compassion with them elsewhere.

    After high school I attended Greenfield Community College and immediately enrolled myself as a full-time health sciences student. It would be a lie if I told you Anatomy and Physiology one and two weren’t challenging courses, but I enjoyed the challenge and was ecstatic that I could apply what I was learning to something physical: my body! Another class I cherished was my nutrition class. I have always been a huge advocate of healthy eating habits, and have the tendency to encourage my friends and family to participate. Although I still enjoy spreading the confetti of information I have about nutrition and bodily functions to my loved ones, I sincerely miss being a college student. I am inspired when presented with challenging topics and I know that the Nursing Program at Elms will be a great place for me to grow and flourish academically.

    When I was eight years old I was filling up Ziploc bags with water. I cut a string and taped one end to the bag, and one end to my friend’s arm. (She needed fluids of course). Since then I have graduated from High School, and gotten my Associates Degree. This will be my third time applying to the nursing program, and I hope the third time’s a charm. I know I will be an amazing asset to your program because I have the integrity to keep pursuing my dream, even in the face of rejection. When I found out I wasn’t getting any financial help from my parents for school I still wanted to go. I have knowingly taken on the financial responsibility of college because I know I’ll be able to help people in a big way one day, even if that means struggling. I have raised money by fundraising in order to take a CNA course this summer, and it is imperative that I start my journey as a nurse this year.
    [/QUOTE]
    Last edit by traumaRUs on Feb 14, '13 : Reason: TOS
  5. 1
    After spending much time with the. This sounded slightly awkward to me. After spending a significant amount of time with them. That sounds better to me. I would read more but I'm on a study break. Good luck!
    makingstrides likes this.
  6. 0
    We do ask that when you post something for posters to review, please don't include names of others - this is to protect their privacy. Thanks.
  7. 0
    I changed the nurses names
  8. 0
    My only suggestion is rethink the disinterested in school part it comes off bad but get why you put it in. Maybe school came easy to me I never had to study or....and always recieved good grades...
  9. 0
    Awesome, thank you!


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