Depressed and worn out - page 2

I am soo tired. I had to quit a very good job last week because I was forced out by some other co-workers, my mom is living with me and she is stressing me out, and my childrens father isn't helping... Read More

  1. by   Fun2, RN, BSN
    Quote from BADDUDES91
    i feel your pain too...Life is not that easy but if let GOD enter your life your pain will be released, try to talk to a spiritual leader in your community surely they can help..besides there are other people that have problems bigger than you.so cheer up..

    WHAT???? This is exactly what turns people away from Christianity.

    I am Christian, and I know that even with God in my life, I still have trials to face.

    Yes, I do believe she should pray, pray, pray, but she can't set around waiting for a miracle. She has to trust that God will direct her decisions.

    Everyone's problems may seem minimal to some, but to the person dealing with them, even the smallest problems are mountains to cross. (...And this isn't a small one either!)


    I'm sure you meant well in your post, but please be careful how you word things. If you are wanting to share your faith, you sure don't want to turn people away from God while doing it.

    ...Just my 2 cents.....
  2. by   stpauligirl
    Quote from BADDUDES91
    i feel your pain too...Life is not that easy but if let GOD enter your life your pain will be released, try to talk to a spiritual leader in your community surely they can help..besides there are other people that have problems bigger than you.so cheer up..
    This comment doesn't surprise me at all.....it's from a bad dude!!!:wink2:
  3. by   tencat
    Are you still with us? I had a mother who was an alcoholic. I spent a lot of time trying to help her, but I found out that you really can't help someone who doesn't want to do the work necessary to change. That's when I had to save myself (if that makes sense). Your mother needs to be out of your life and out of your childrens' lives as long as she is unwilling to change. It's not easy to cut ties, but you cannot save her. She will either save herself or she will not, and if she was a psych nurse, she has knowledge that could help her change if she wanted to. My mother died from her alcoholism and didn't save herself, and nothing I could have done would have been enough. If you need to call the police to get rid of her, do it. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. They are not safe with someone like that in the house, not to mention the example she's setting for them and the one you are setting by letting her be this way in your home. Do you have someone to talk to that could give you some emotional support? Please don't give up.
  4. by   BrieRN07
    Quote from Fun2Care
    WHAT???? This is exactly what turns people away from Christianity.

    I am Christian, and I know that even with God in my life, I still have trials to face.

    Yes, I do believe she should pray, pray, pray, but she can't set around waiting for a miracle. She has to trust that God will direct her decisions.

    Everyone's problems may seem minimal to some, but to the person dealing with them, even the smallest problems are mountains to cross. (...And this isn't a small one either!)


    I'm sure you meant well in your post, but please be careful how you word things. If you are wanting to share your faith, you sure don't want to turn people away from God while doing it.

    ...Just my 2 cents.....
    I couldn't have said it any better myself!!!
  5. by   rn/writer
    Quote from giada23
    I am soo tired. I had to quit a very good job last week because I was forced out by some other co-workers, my mom is living with me and she is stressing me out, and my childrens father isn't helping me support them at all. It is about to be Christmas and I don't know how I am going to pay my house note for this month let alone have a Christmas for my children. Let me start from the beginning. My mom had to come stay with me for about three weeks because she is mentally ill and hasn't paid any of her bills and her lights and phone was cut off. My mom also abuses illegal drugs, so that was another reason why the bills wasn't paid, because she was spending all her money on dope. She is non compliant with her treatment regimen, and her living with me has been absolute hell. She cusses and talks to herself, she argues with the tv, I can't even discipline my children around her or she will butt in. She has eaten up all the food and dranked up all the drink, and she knows I don't have any money to be buying food and she hasn't offered to help in any way(what did I expect, she is mentally ill). I have caught her smoking dope out in the cold in my backyard, she is in and out of the house all day and night. I called the crisis line and asked them what should I do, and they said to call the police on her. I didn't want to do that because I didn't want to go through the motions of her crying, my children crying, and me just feeling like the total bad guy in all of this. I am trying to help her, but my patience has ran thin with her. She knows she needs help but she refuses to get it. She has a history with mental illness, she has been hospitalized for this before. She is currently receiving disability for it, so I can't see why she can't get the help that she needs. If I have her put in the hospital, she will be out in 72 hours or less. My mother used to be a psyche nurse coincidentally and she knows how to work the system and make it so she doesn't appear too crazy. Then, my children's father doesn't help me with them what so ever. He doesn't come and see them when he is supposed to, he isn't finacially supportive at all. I have been dealing with his harassing text messages and phone calls of him calling me evil dumb b@#$%, and other unmentionables, while I am struggling to take care of our children by myself. I have told him not to call or come over for the kids if he can't come and see them on the days we agreed he would see them. I have asked for some money from him and he tells me to wait on my child support check, which I haven't recieved since I put the order out in 2003 because he hasn't paid anything. And then the courts only ordered him to pay a measly $265 dollars a month, like that is going to help me. My gas bill is more than that. He owes me over $5000 dollars and I am the bad guy because I put the order out on him thats forcing him to pay the support at a set time not when he feels like paying it. I wouldn't even have done that if he was giving me something in the first place. Then to put the icing on the cake, he tells my kids that he is coming home knowing full well that thats not going to happen and he said that knowing how the kids feel about us breaking up. He knows the kids want him to come back home, and he knows thats not going to happen, and he tells them that?!!! I can't even go to school half way because I am always out trying to either work or find work, and he is living over his moms house getting over like a fat rat, with no bills to pay or any responsibilities. All I want to do is find some kind of decent paying work so I can finish school and become a nurse. That is all I want to do. I have absolutely no support system what so ever, and I am just sick of even trying because it seems like I can't even catch a break. I have nothing right now except my children and we might be out in the cold by next month if I don't come up with something fast. I am soo tired of dodging axes.I have no zest for life anymore . I am just plain old tired and worn out. I have ulcers do to stress, my hair is falling out, my stomach stays upset. I can't even cry, I tried to make myself cry hoping that I would feel better, but I can't . I am tired of crying, I have cried enough to the point where I can't even allow myself to feel anymore. I have even tried dating and all I seem to find are toads. I have been single for three years and I still haven't found anybody worth giving the time of day. I know this is long, thanks for reading.
    Sometimes when people ask for guidance, they want to hear what they already know in their gut from others who are more objective. I hope that's the case with you. The tough choices will be a little easier if you already suspect them.

    Your absolute first priority is to re-establish the safety and sanctity of your home. You wouldn't leave a loaded gun around your children, yet you allow your loose cannon of a mother to do drugs and engage in all kinds of scary behavior in their presence. For the sake of your children and your own sanity, she has to go.

    It's not an easy thing to turn your back on some who neeeeeds you, but in this case, it's essential. Here is a litany of truth you can recite like a mantra when she's crying, begging, making promises, and hurling false accusations at you. She's an adult. Mentally ill or not, she still has choices to make. You can't spare her the consequences of those choices, but you CAN and you MUST protect yourself and your kids from her unhealthy choices and behaviors. The unstable mentally ill are not capable of making legitimate promises. Of course, they mean things when they say them, but their sincerity has all the tensile strength of wet tissue. You mother needs far more help than you can give her. Without that help, she will go down the drain, and if you haven't disengaged from her neediness, she'll take you and the kids with her. She can't put a stop to this so you have to. I was a psych nurse for years and I tell you, this is the truth.

    I won't say any of this will be easy. You care about your mother and she knows how to push your buttons and exploit that caring. Right now, you can't afford to be emotional, and believe me, she will try to play with your feelings and pressure you to fold like a house of cards and take her back in. You can't do it.

    So how do you pull this off in practical terms?

    First, do not warn her. That might seem unfair, but think about this. She knows what you want and has had plenty of opportunity to comply. She doesn't need more information or yet another chance. She's battling addiction and mental illness--or rather, she isn't battling them--and she has demonstrated an inability and/or an unwillingness to change her ways. Even if you got temporary cooperation, it would be just that--temporary. You would have to ride herd on her constantly and that just sets up an oppositional tug of war. The only way to win is not to play.

    Get your kids out of the house if possible. They don't need to see the scene that will undoubtedly take place when the moment of truth arrives.

    Now for the hard part. The very next time she's doing drugs (or is drunk), call the police and ask them to remove her from your home. Stop up your ears to her drama and stay strong. Tell the police you don't want drugs (or drunkenness) in front of your kids, and insist they take her from the premises. Do not relent no matter what she says. You can't take care of her anymore.

    Now for the harder part. Pack up her stuff and put it out of sight. Tell your kids that Grandma had to leave and you don't know when she'll be back. Don't take phone calls from her or her court-appointed public defender or her social worker or members of her treatment team or her friends or relatives or anyone else whom she dispatches to pull your heartstrings on her behalf, for at least six weeks. Longer, if you still feel vulnerable. They will all try to play on your sympathies so they can hand her back to you.

    Now for the hardest part. Determine that you will love her from a distance for as long as it takes for you to develop immovable boundaries and for her to deal with her addiction and mental illness and be in compliance with treatment. Decide that you will keep that safe distance even if she never turns things around. If at some point, she's been verifiably clean, sober, and compliant for at least six months, agree to meet with her on neutral ground. Don't bring her around your children for a long, long time and then only after she's continued with treatment and whatever mental illness regimen she is on. Again, brace yourself for the reality that this might never take place. Cling to the knowledge that you can care about her even if you can't care for her and know that loving someone doesn't mean you have to put yourself or your children in harm's way to prove it.

    Your mother has choices. You have choices. Your kids do not. They are depending on you to look after their best interests.. The feel-good choices (giving in to your mother's manipulation and guilt) will destroy your home. The feel-awful choices (evict this dangerous person even though she's your mother) will feel better in the near future as your head clears and the tension leaves your house.

    If you're still not convinced, think of this. If you knowingly harbor someone who is doing drugs in your home, your ex or anyone else who wants to make your life even more miserable than it already is can call Child Protective Services and set an investigation in motion. CPS may not have enough grounds to take your children from you, but they can put you under a microscope and keep you there for a long time. Worst case, they could remove your children, at least temporarily. If someone is going to leave, would you rather it be your mother or your kids?

    I wish I could come over and give you a hug. You're too young to have all this on your shoulders, and yet, you probably are very old in your spirit.

    You may not have friends and relatives ready to step in and help you carry the load, but you DO have a virtual support system and we're here 24/7. One other very important thing, TAKE YOURSELF TO AL-ANON IMMEDIATELY (look in the phonebook). There, you will find like-minded folks who are or have been right where you are now. That kind of educated understanding is invaluable. You'll learn a lot from this group about how to let go of burdens that aren't yours to carry.

    Once you have dealt with your mother, you will have more energy to tackle some of the other issues, and we'll be glad to give you all kinds of encouragement and ideas.

    I don't envy you the task ahead. But, I have confidence that your love for your kids will prevail over the false guilt you mother will try to heap on your head. Ditch the image of the ungrateful daughter and put in its place that of a warrior mother who is putting aside her emotions to protect her children.

    Please, please, please, come back and update us and let us build you up and care for you.

    Be strong and of good courage. You have my prayers and sincere admiration.
    Last edit by rn/writer on Dec 8, '05
  6. by   giada23
    Thank you everybody for your opinions and your concerns for me. You guys are awesome, I really appreciate what everyone had to say. I just don't know what to do. I come from the kind of community where you don't turn your back on your parents, and that is what is making this so hard. My mom has done a lot of unspeakable things to me, but everytime I try to get rid of her, she'll call and apologize and say she is sorry or start crying. I was trying to hang in there and just deal with it until today because her lights are back on and she is going home. So today is her last day here. I love my children and I am trying to do whats best for them too, I just didn't want to cause a big scene. I know it sounds stupid, it sounds that way to me, I just don't want her to feel that I don't love her. I know that if this ever happens again she cannot come back here. I am the oldest sibling so there is no where else she could go. My brothers are 12 and 14, and my step father has custody of them. He won't allow her to stay over there. I suppose because he knew I would let her come over here. I have already told the kids father to not call my house anymore. So far he hasn't called, but one of the kids birthdays is coming up along with Christmas, and I know he will be calling again. I am steadily job hunting and trying to find something. I will consider welfare, I am really trying to avoid that but I have to do what I have to do. I feel a little better about things. Sometimes I just feel like I am the only person going through this. I have been looking for a medical assisting job for the last five years. I can't find one. All I want is a good job so I can keep my bills paid and keep my children clothed and fed, so I can finish school. I have just been having the worst luck with finding and keeping a job. I have to do something, I am not one to just sit around and cry, but right now I am just at a loss for words, I am just fed up, and tired. I guess everybody feels that way one way or another at times.
  7. by   giada23
    Quote from tlhubbard
    I know you said the police weren't an option with your mother, however if your kids were to be away with a friend when mom was picked up, maybe you could spare them that and teach her a lesson at the same time. She needs to grow up, become compliant and until then there is nothing you can do to help someone who won't help themselves.

    As for you, it sounds like you are a true fighter and are really trying to get to your set goals. Good for you. Give your self a pat on the back and realize those kids need for you not to give up. The court should persue that dead beat dad and since you are aware of his whereabouts, it should be an easy snag. Since his mother is obviously still alive, any chance she cares for these children and would be willing to help out? She may likely take your side when she finds out he is willing to let his children be out in the cold.

    Food pantries are there for people who need them, it sounds like you need them. Your children do, since they can't do for themselves. There are also agreements you can enter into with your energy supplier to have a set flat rate over winter months so that you do not have a sudden jump in price with the cold weather(allowing you to budget a little better).

    Not knowing how old your children are, maybe you can look into WIC (a support for groceries for single mothers with children - it's offered in Ohio). Check with the social services at your local children hospital (they have endless info for resources). Also, Headstart was a God send for us. They offered a full day program for mothers who need to work all day(or school) and they cater to lower income families.

    Good luck!!!

    (don't forget about local and county resources also, there's more than just what the state offers)
    No his mother doesn't care and you know what, I don't expect her to. These are my children, she knows all about the situation between me and him. She doesn't think that I should have put the child support order out on him, and since I did, I don't care about him and I am trying to hinder his success. So I don't go to her for advice or help about him because she doesn't give a damn one way or another anyway. I put a child support order out on him in 2003 and I have received from him maybe about 500 dollars in almost three years. So I give up on that. I recieved a notice in the mail from the Friend of the Court stating that they were planning on suspending his drivers license because he owes over five thousand dollars in back child support. Whether I see any of the money remains to be unseen. But, I have done my part, if he chooses to not pay then thats on him, but he can't come over here and see nobody. My kids need shoes and clothes, they are growing out of their school uniforms, I don't have anything to say to him or his family because they don't help with the children anyway.
  8. by   giada23
    Quote from suzi_h
    After reading Fun2Care's post, I was thinking...you'd actually be setting an example turning your mother in. Not only is it teaching the seriousness of drugs, but by turning her in you are teaching them drugs will not be tolerated and sometimes you have to hurt a little bit to do the right thing. Life isn't easy, they'll be thankful for this lesson in the future. And then they won't ever point the finger and say that mom never tried to stop her wreckless behavior. If anything, they'll love her more b/c she'll become (hopefully) the gramma she should be. And I think that's how you would want your children to see you and her. By the way, how old are the kids?

    I also agree with Jerico, my sister eliminated my nephew's dad when he was an infant and it was the best thing she ever could have done. She struggled working for a grocery store while finishing college and he is much better off now with a newly adopted dad. If your children's dad is not a part off their lives and is only causing them pain, do what's right and boot him permanately. He'll either starighten up or disappear. It's an unfortunate situation but, you need to be living your life for you and your children. Good luck.

    Suzi
    The kids are five and the oldest will be eight next Tuesday.
  9. by   SoulShine75
    Sigh! Dead beat dads....:angryfire I'm so sorry you're going through this. The only advice I can give is to get some help with food assistance, rental assistance , heating assistance etc... Your kids may not have a big Christmas, but right now having their home and having their mother happy is the best present you can give them. Try and eliminate all the negative influences in your life. You may have to find your mom another place to live and don't take any phone or text messages from the ex. Don't feel guilty about this. You have given your mom a place to stay and it doesn't sound as thought she's doing anything to better herself, she's only mooching off of you. Contact your courts about the child support. In KY if someome doesn't pay cs then in 30 days they will begin garnishing their wages and will continue to for as long as they're obligated to pay their child support. There have to be rescources in your area that help single mothers get through school. Maybe government assisted housing is an alternative until you get your degree. You could probably work part-time and pay the rent. Seek out day care assistance also. It's out there, you just have to find it.

    Things are tough now and I feel your pain. Take this pain as a compliment....God wouldn't give you these struggles if he didn't think you could handle them. Life lessons are always learned the hard way. Even if your heart is in the right place, sometimes life takes hold and reality can be harsh. You can do anything you set your mind to. Never give up on your dream. Work around these obstacles and make it happen girl!!!!

    God bless and good luck.

    Christy:flowersfo
  10. by   SoulShine75
    Quote from Fun2Care
    WHAT???? This is exactly what turns people away from Christianity.

    I am Christian, and I know that even with God in my life, I still have trials to face.

    Yes, I do believe she should pray, pray, pray, but she can't set around waiting for a miracle. She has to trust that God will direct her decisions.

    Everyone's problems may seem minimal to some, but to the person dealing with them, even the smallest problems are mountains to cross. (...And this isn't a small one either!)


    I'm sure you meant well in your post, but please be careful how you word things. If you are wanting to share your faith, you sure don't want to turn people away from God while doing it.

    ...Just my 2 cents.....
    As Oprah once said...Pain is universal, no matter how big or how small, everyone's pain is the same.
  11. by   giada23
    Quote from rn/writer
    Sometimes when people ask for guidance, they want to hear what they already know in their gut from others who are more objective. I hope that's the case with you. The tough choices will be a little easier if you already suspect them.

    Your absolute first priority is to re-establish the safety and sanctity of your home. You wouldn't leave a loaded gun around your children, yet you allow your loose cannon of a mother to do drugs and engage in all kinds of scary behavior in their presence. For the sake of your children and your own sanity, she has to go.

    It's not an easy thing to turn your back on some who neeeeeds you, but in this case, it's essential. Here is a litany of truth you can recite like a mantra when she's crying, begging, making promises, and hurling false accusations at you. She's an adult. Mentally ill or not, she still has choices to make. You can't spare her the consequences of those choices, but you CAN and you MUST protect yourself and your kids from her unhealthy choices and behaviors. The unstable mentally ill are not capable of making legitimate promises. Of course, they mean things when they say them, but their sincerity has all the tensile strength of wet tissue. You mother needs far more help than you can give her. Without that help, she will go down the drain, and if you haven't disengaged from her neediness, she'll take you and the kids with her. She can't put a stop to this so you have to. I was a psych nurse for years and I tell you, this is the truth.

    I won't say any of this will be easy. You care about your mother and she knows how to push your buttons and exploit that caring. Right now, you can't afford to be emotional, and believe me, she will try to play with your feelings and pressure you to fold like a house of cards and take her back in. You can't do it.

    So how do you pull this off in practical terms?

    First, do not warn her. That might seem unfair, but think about this. She knows what you want and has had plenty of opportunity to comply. She doesn't need more information or yet another chance. She's battling addiction and mental illness--or rather, she isn't battling them--and she has demonstrated an inability and/or an unwillingness to change her ways. Even if you got temporary cooperation, it would be just that--temporary. You would have to ride herd on her constantly and that just sets up an oppositional tug of war. The only way to win is not to play.

    Get your kids out of the house if possible. They don't need to see the scene that will undoubtedly take place when the moment of truth arrives.

    Now for the hard part. The very next time she's doing drugs (or is drunk), call the police and ask them to remove her from your home. Stop up your ears to her drama and stay strong. Tell the police you don't want drugs (or drunkenness) in front of your kids, and insist they take her from the premises. Do not relent no matter what she says. You can't take care of her anymore.

    Now for the harder part. Pack up her stuff and put it out of sight. Tell your kids that Grandma had to leave and you don't know when she'll be back. Don't take phone calls from her or her court-appointed public defender or her social worker or members of her treatment team or her friends or relatives or anyone else whom she dispatches to pull your heartstrings on her behalf, for at least six weeks. Longer, if you still feel vulnerable. They will all try to play on your sympathies so they can hand her back to you.

    Now for the hardest part. Determine that you will love her from a distance for as long as it takes for you to develop immovable boundaries and for her to deal with her addiction and mental illness and be in compliance with treatment. Decide that you will keep that safe distance even if she never turns things around. If at some point, she's been verifiably clean, sober, and compliant for at least six months, agree to meet with her on neutral ground. Don't bring her around your children for a long, long time and then only after she's continued with treatment and whatever mental illness regimen she is on. Again, brace yourself for the reality that this might never take place. Cling to the knowledge that you can care about her even if you can't care for her and know that loving someone doesn't mean you have to put yourself or your children in harm's way to prove it.

    Your mother has choices. You have choices. Your kids do not. They are depending on you to look after their best interests.. The feel-good choices (giving in to your mother's manipulation and guilt) will destroy your home. The feel-awful choices (evict this dangerous person even though she's your mother) will feel better in the near future as your head clears and the tension leaves your house.

    If you're still not convinced, think of this. If you knowingly harbor someone who is doing drugs in your home, your ex or anyone else who wants to make your life even more miserable than it already is can call Child Protective Services and set an investigation in motion. CPS may not have enough grounds to take your children from you, but they can put you under a microscope and keep you there for a long time. Worst case, they could remove your children, at least temporarily. If someone is going to leave, would you rather it be your mother or your kids?

    I wish I could come over and give you a hug. You're too young to have all this on your shoulders, and yet, you probably are very old in your spirit.

    You may not have friends and relatives ready to step in and help you carry the load, but you DO have a virtual support system and we're here 24/7. One other very important thing, TAKE YOURSELF TO AL-ANON IMMEDIATELY (look in the phonebook). There, you will find like-minded folks who are or have been right where you are now. That kind of educated understanding is invaluable. You'll learn a lot from this group about how to let go of burdens that aren't yours to carry.

    Once you have dealt with your mother, you will have more energy to tackle some of the other issues, and we'll be glad to give you all kinds of encouragement and ideas.

    I don't envy you the task ahead. But, I have confidence that your love for your kids will prevail over the false guilt you mother will try to heap on your head. Ditch the image of the ungrateful daughter and put in its place that of a warrior mother who is putting aside her emotions to protect her children.

    Please, please, please, come back and update us and let us build you up and care for you.

    Be strong and of good courage. You have my prayers and sincere admiration.
    Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I really appreciate just the time you took to post this. I am happy to say that me and mom got into a heated argument and I had to put her out. She has money and I even made sure she had gloves, but I told her she had to go. She was being verbally abusive to me and I just couldn't take it anymore. My whole childhood has been abusive thanks to her. I was taken out of the house by child protective services because her husband at the time punched me in the mouth and knocked out my two front teeth( Now you know who wrote the song"All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth"!!!) when I was 13 years old. I have been on my own since I was thirteen going in and out of foster homes and girls homes, and now, I am just tired of the whole thing. I love my mother I really do, but I have never felt normal because of her. I know she is sick and I don't want to take her illness out on her per se, but now, I just don't know. I am tired of my whole family to tell you the truth. Last year my grandmother was living here. Now I am in a time of need and I can't ask nobody in my family for nothing. Nobody can help me, but when they need help I am always helping out. I was talking to my ex-stepfather, yes the same man who knocked out my teeth, and he said he can understand me not wanting her to come back over here anymore, but don't turn my back on her because she needs her family. I don't want to be bothered with her period, not for a while. Its a shame that I can talk to a man that used to beat the crap out of me more than I can talk to my own mother. He was on drugs during that time and has since came off of them and is trying to raise my little brothers by himself, so I have more respect for him than my mother because regardless of what he did to me, atleast he did get his act together, if not for him for the sake of my little brothers. I have soo much to do, sort through, I have to find me a job before I get but out of my house. I wish I was renting, then atleast I wouldn't owe tens of thousands of dollars if I didn't pay my rent, I have a house note, and I don't want to lose my house. I will figure out something.
  12. by   rn/writer
    Quote from giada23
    Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I really appreciate just the time you took to post this. I am happy to say that me and mom got into a heated argument and I had to put her out. She has money and I even made sure she had gloves, but I told her she had to go. She was being verbally abusive to me and I just couldn't take it anymore. My whole childhood has been abusive thanks to her. I was taken out of the house by child protective services because her husband at the time punched me in the mouth and knocked out my two front teeth( Now you know who wrote the song"All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth"!!!) when I was 13 years old. I have been on my own since I was thirteen going in and out of foster homes and girls homes, and now, I am just tired of the whole thing. I love my mother I really do, but I have never felt normal because of her. I know she is sick and I don't want to take her illness out on her per se, but now, I just don't know. I am tired of my whole family to tell you the truth. Last year my grandmother was living here. Now I am in a time of need and I can't ask nobody in my family for nothing. Nobody can help me, but when they need help I am always helping out. I was talking to my ex-stepfather, yes the same man who knocked out my teeth, and he said he can understand me not wanting her to come back over here anymore, but don't turn my back on her because she needs her family. I don't want to be bothered with her period, not for a while. Its a shame that I can talk to a man that used to beat the crap out of me more than I can talk to my own mother. He was on drugs during that time and has since came off of them and is trying to raise my little brothers by himself, so I have more respect for him than my mother because regardless of what he did to me, atleast he did get his act together, if not for him for the sake of my little brothers. I have soo much to do, sort through, I have to find me a job before I get but out of my house. I wish I was renting, then atleast I wouldn't owe tens of thousands of dollars if I didn't pay my rent, I have a house note, and I don't want to lose my house. I will figure out something.
    You have been through an amazing amount of garbage. The fact that you are functioning and taking care of your kids isn't because of your family, but rather in spite of them.

    The cause of much dysfunction is immaturity--the inability to choose what we need over what feels good right now. People who are stuck in this mindset will constantly find themselves in dire straits because they sell the future to live in the moment. They're always going to come up short and the very immaturity that put them in that position will make them to look to someone else, the way a child looks to a parent, to rescue and take care of them.

    You DO rescue and take care of children. But, with adults, that kind of help can easily turn into enabling. And enabling feeds the problem and makes it worse.

    You can't change your mother. She'll either "get it" at some point or she won't. She DOES have a better chance of getting it if she runs out of easy options, like moving in with you and transferring the chaos in her spirit to yours.

    You've mentioned that family members and other people in your small town load you up with guilt and give you the message that you shouldn't turn your back on her. Where are they when she's making a shambles of your life? It's a lot easier to point a finger than to lift one. If they're so concerned, let them put her up for a night or pay one of her bills. If not, then they're just blowing smoke so you'll relieve them of any gult they might be feeling. Keep in mind that they can't make you feel guilty without your consent.

    Besides, setting healthy boundaries for you and your kids is NOT the same as turning your back on your mother. You can still love her. You can still pray for her and hope she gets her grits together. What you cannot do, dare not do, is take on the responsiblity for making that happen.

    Setting boundaries for her behavior in your (and your kids') presence might give her a wake up call. She needs to know that, while love is unconditional, visiting is not. If she wants to see you and the kids, she needs to know there are lines she can't cross without being shown the door. If you don't feel you can draw such lines (or enforce them), don't invite her over at all. Instead, go to her house and, if she gets loopy there, tell her you have to leave. She may say she can do what she wants in her own home and she's right. But, you don't have to stay and watch.

    If you do this every time, she will get the message that your boundaries mean something. She still might not change her ways overall, but if she wants to see you and the kids, she'll know what she has to do.

    This concept is hugely important. Most of the horrible things people have done to you stem from a combination of immaturity and bad or non-existent boundaries. Adults acting like children, addiction, betrayal, abuse, the whole mess comes from people who haven't grown up and who freely inflict their damage on anyone within reach.

    You got out. You have a home and a family. You have worked and will find another job. You know there is a better way to live than the way you grew up. Don't let your love for your relatives suck you back into the melodrama and the trauma or your kids will pay the price.

    Please, go to Al-Anon. The teaching is the same whether your loved ones are using drink or drugs or any other mind-altering substance or behavior. It's not about the drug of choice so much as it's about deciding how YOU will live your life. It's also about learning to spot manipulation a mile away and take evasive action. You need to equip yourself to fend off the guilt and the emotional wrangling that is sure to come if you decide not the play along anymore.

    If you can do these things, your life will improve. It has to. You'll be dumping a load of guilt and a false sense of responsibility that is certainly sapping a good part of your energy right now. AND, you'll be teaching your kids that THEY don't have to accept bad treatment. You're going to be setting an example, one way or another. Would you rather be giving them the message that they have to cooperate with crazy-making people, that they have to agree to be used to be loved, that they can't protect themselves from abusers? Or would you rather convey the truth that they can choose sanity, set healthy limits, and get away from anyone who wants to do them harm, even if they're family?

    Use your strength to make a good life for yourself and your children. Bar the door (and the phone) to anyone who is a drain or a threat. Ask for help from those who can be trusted. Be on the lookout for good, healthy people who can enter your world without tearing it to shreds. Be willing to forgive old hurts and accept new behavior, but always be alert to manipulation and cut it off the second you detect it.

    As far as the kids and Christmas, contact the Salvation Army, a local food bank, and any churches in your area. There should be something available for a single mom trying to make ends meet. Especially since you just lost your job. Apply for any kind of aid that's out there and take whatever referrals you can get. You've paid into the system. Now it's your turn to use the resources those deductions bought.

    You're a good girl. Your mother may not be able to say those words to you right now, but I can see your spirit in your words. You're a good girl and a good mom and you deserve to have a life free of unnecessary strife. You deserve to be happy.
  13. by   NaomieRN
    Quote from giada23
    I am soo tired. I had to quit a very good job last week because I was forced out by some other co-workers, my mom is living with me and she is stressing me out, and my childrens father isn't helping me support them at all. It is about to be Christmas and I don't know how I am going to pay my house note for this month let alone have a Christmas for my children. Let me start from the beginning. My mom had to come stay with me for about three weeks because she is mentally ill and hasn't paid any of her bills and her lights and phone was cut off. My mom also abuses illegal drugs, so that was another reason why the bills wasn't paid, because she was spending all her money on dope. She is non compliant with her treatment regimen, and her living with me has been absolute hell. She cusses and talks to herself, she argues with the tv, I can't even discipline my children around her or she will butt in. She has eaten up all the food and dranked up all the drink, and she knows I don't have any money to be buying food and she hasn't offered to help in any way(what did I expect, she is mentally ill). I have caught her smoking dope out in the cold in my backyard, she is in and out of the house all day and night. I called the crisis line and asked them what should I do, and they said to call the police on her. I didn't want to do that because I didn't want to go through the motions of her crying, my children crying, and me just feeling like the total bad guy in all of this. I am trying to help her, but my patience has ran thin with her. She knows she needs help but she refuses to get it. She has a history with mental illness, she has been hospitalized for this before. She is currently receiving disability for it, so I can't see why she can't get the help that she needs. If I have her put in the hospital, she will be out in 72 hours or less. My mother used to be a psyche nurse coincidentally and she knows how to work the system and make it so she doesn't appear too crazy. Then, my children's father doesn't help me with them what so ever. He doesn't come and see them when he is supposed to, he isn't finacially supportive at all. I have been dealing with his harassing text messages and phone calls of him calling me evil dumb b@#$%, and other unmentionables, while I am struggling to take care of our children by myself. I have told him not to call or come over for the kids if he can't come and see them on the days we agreed he would see them. I have asked for some money from him and he tells me to wait on my child support check, which I haven't recieved since I put the order out in 2003 because he hasn't paid anything. And then the courts only ordered him to pay a measly $265 dollars a month, like that is going to help me. My gas bill is more than that. He owes me over $5000 dollars and I am the bad guy because I put the order out on him thats forcing him to pay the support at a set time not when he feels like paying it. I wouldn't even have done that if he was giving me something in the first place. Then to put the icing on the cake, he tells my kids that he is coming home knowing full well that thats not going to happen and he said that knowing how the kids feel about us breaking up. He knows the kids want him to come back home, and he knows thats not going to happen, and he tells them that?!!! I can't even go to school half way because I am always out trying to either work or find work, and he is living over his moms house getting over like a fat rat, with no bills to pay or any responsibilities. All I want to do is find some kind of decent paying work so I can finish school and become a nurse. That is all I want to do. I have absolutely no support system what so ever, and I am just sick of even trying because it seems like I can't even catch a break. I have nothing right now except my children and we might be out in the cold by next month if I don't come up with something fast. I am soo tired of dodging axes.I have no zest for life anymore . I am just plain old tired and worn out. I have ulcers do to stress, my hair is falling out, my stomach stays upset. I can't even cry, I tried to make myself cry hoping that I would feel better, but I can't . I am tired of crying, I have cried enough to the point where I can't even allow myself to feel anymore. I have even tried dating and all I seem to find are toads. I have been single for three years and I still haven't found anybody worth giving the time of day. I know this is long, thanks for reading.
    The only person who can help you with all your problems and situations, is Jesus. You have to call upon the name of the Lord, He will save you. Jesus will give you strenght and courage to go on. You have to start praying for your mother and the father of your kids. Jesus is the healer, the comforter, the Alpha and Omega, He promised. You have to give your heart to Jesus. He is the Great I am. When everything failed, Try Jesus! Jesus will never fail!

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