Anyone have an "unsupportive mate"?

  1. Not tryin to ruffle any feathers... but does anyone have NO support? Am I overstepping? Tell me. My husband calls me fat (I'm 5'5" and 156 pounds with 5 kids)- says college is easy- he calls me names- he says if you can't afford the tuition/product/supplies that come with nursing- you shouldn't be in it... just tired girls... and need some POSITIVITY because he will not get me down. Gotta work til 3:00 am and be in class at 10:00am ( 1-1/2 hour public transportation to class). Haven't slept in 31 hours- be my light at the end of the tunnel... Please?
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  2. 36 Comments

  3. by   opradiva
    This is interesting! My mom and I just had a debate about the use of the word 'fat'. We disagreed on many points, but did agree that MOST people use, or perceive the word, fat as a negative word. With that said, why in the world would you accept that type of behavior from your HUSBAND?? This is something I just do not understand. I'm not married, and I have no children, but I have lots of common sense. Common sense tells me that you need to do nursing school for YOU, and no one else. Common sense tells me that if he calls you names and you're still around, you must have low self esteem, or be totally dependent upon him. Become your own positivity. I am a pre nursing student, and I know that at this end of the spectrum, the road looks very long. But as another poster put it, whether we have a degree or not, life will go on. Since life will go on anyway, it's best that you become as educated as possible, as independent as possible, so you can take care of yourself and your family. Why would someone who claims to love you treat you in such a way? Do you love yourself? How much value do you possess? You deserve better than that. Stay strong, and understand that your husband probably has some huge self esteem issues of his own. Perhaps he's a bit intimidated because you are going to school?? Something to think about.

    opradiva
  4. by   destined2bCRNA
    Been there, done that, you don't know. YES I have self esteem. YES I love myself. It's nothing to do with that. It has to do with the fact that I just moved here (in this part of town) in October and just to dedicate myself to the career of nursing, I'm trying to get everything right in every part of my life. Not everyone has a perfect life. Not everyone has a perfect support system. Doesn't mean we love ourselves any less; just means we work harder. I was just trying to identify with anyone else in this perfect world that might not have a support system and is in the same boat as me.
  5. by   Rocky#3B
    Hi,

    I went through a similar situation with my husband when I began nursing school. He would always say "All you do is go to school....why couldn't you clean the house, cook dinner etc." He had no idea how much work nursing school was and how exhausted I was feeling. The tension and resentment got so bad that I decided to go to counseling at my school. The therapist helped me to realize that he was feeling insecure about himself and our relationship. He felt that once I graduate I will no longer need him and that he could not compete with the professional status I would have acheived and he was dealing with it the only way he knew. She suggested that I begin to communicate differently, using I feel sentences and discussing with him why he felt insecure. I'm now in my second semester of nursing school and our relationship is much better. He now understands that all the work that I am putting in is for our family and is much more considerate and helpful around the house.

    I do not know if this is what is going on in your home but please don't let it get you down. You can do this!! Just remember how far you've come already and keep you eye on the prize. I would suggest counseling only because it was great to have someone to talk to about my feelings and helps to sort out your feelings. Keep your head up and email me if you need to talk. :spin:
  6. by   DesertRain
    What I have to say might only be 1/2 of what you want to hear. I have been in that situation. To the extreme, emotional and physical abuse alongside to deal with. It made me stronger....I realized that my life was my life...and my kids life (my ex was a real dead beat) my situation ended rough, a ex-parte RO and child custody and as soon as I had those papers in my hand....I bounced out, left him took my kids to be with my mom thousands of miles away and I have never looked back. This was several years ago and the start of what I consider a wonderful life so far. My new boyfriend and I have been together for a year (it had been a couple years out of my last relationship when I even considered dating...even though my ex wasn't really in a relationship with me for like the last 3 years as he fathered a child out of our home with another woman--but that's different "Dr. Phil" episode I won't go in to detail with right now--and I know how it feels to be called "fat" as my ex told me that was the reason he continuously cheated on me) anyway...I realized that I didn't need anyone and no matter what happens in my life, I am responsible for myself and my children. My boyfriend came into my life with me having that attitude and he is great support but I think a lot of my success in getting back on my feet has a lot to do with my newly gained independence. Nursing is the perfect career choice as you can be anywhere in the world, and be on your own with your kids and still be able to take care of them financially and in critical thinking moments such as when they become ill. I think everyday that I am so lucky to have a wonderful man, but as I take my journey throughout college and hopefully soon nursing school, I am not scared of him leaving me as I can handle my own. I hope that made sense and I hope in no way have I offended anyone by sharing my experience. It's rough, I know I've been there and only you can decide what's best for yourself and your children. I think you are making a good decision to do this and your best support system is and will always be yourself. In the end when you look back at what you accomplished, that will be your ultimate reward. Just don't give up!
  7. by   FoxyRoxy21
    Quote from destined2bcrna
    been there, done that, you don't know. yes i have self esteem. yes i love myself. it's nothing to do with that. it has to do with the fact that i just moved here (in this part of town) in october and just to dedicate myself to the career of nursing, i'm trying to get everything right in every part of my life. not everyone has a perfect life. not everyone has a perfect support system. doesn't mean we love ourselves any less; just means we work harder. i was just trying to identify with anyone else in this perfect world that might not have a support system and is in the same boat as me.
    i am not trying to start a debate with you; however, i completely disagree with what you are saying. if you "love" yourself the way that you say you do then you wouldn't put up with the man you married calling you names and being unsupportive. isn't someone calling you "fat" verbal/emotional abuse? if you were being verbally abused at work or school wouldn't you tell someone to make it stop? i don't care who he thinks he is, but nobody has the right to call you fat. sometimes it is hard to see what is going on with your life while you are "in" it. take a step back and then look at your life. do you deserve better? i think the answer is yes. this world is not perfect, and no relationship ever will be. maybe marital counseling can resolve some of the tension that seems to be present between yourself and your husband.

    please no matter what.......remember you always have a support system here!!!!!!!!!

    as far as me, i do not have any issues with my boyfriend being unsupportive. if i did he would be long gone...... i deserve someone in my life that is there for me as much as i am there for them. i don't want someone trying to hold me down while i am trying to make my life better. misery loves company! and i am definitely not going to get sucked into it! i made that promise to myself a long time ago! good luck and seriously maybe marital counseling can help.
  8. by   traumaRUs
    To the original poster - If I was awake for 31 hours, I would be seeing things, not to mention feel incredibly overwhelmed. I do feel your pain. My husband has always been very supportive but due to military committments, hasn't always been there for me.

    I am not concerned about self-esteem, but rather that you have some folks to vent to. Do you have a friend from nursing school that you can buddy up with? What about a close relative? I know that having kids and a marriage as well as going to school isn't easy and I think you need to be easy on yourself too.

    Please take care and get some sleep too - lol.
  9. by   destined2bCRNA
    I know I deserve better. Already been to counseling and got all the handouts. So I'm not "putting up" with anything. But there is a monetary involvement for some of us. It's not so easy to just "pick up and move" because you're unhappy. I'm moving in 2 months on my own with no money, so I think I love myself a little bit. I was just trying to get a support system on here for those that weren't luckier than most to have a DH (Dear Hubby).
  10. by   Grace Oz
    I wish you all the very best. When we believe in ourselves, anything is possible!
  11. by   Jules A
    Sometimes with people like your husband when they sense that you are getting your life together and gaining the ability to support yourself they start acting out even more than usual as they sense the loss of control over you.

    I don't have a perfect life, doubt that anyone does, but as an adult we do create our own lives. If you are in danger I would leave now no matter what your financial ties are. It makes me very sad and angry to think that he is treating you like this. Please get out as soon as you can, there is NO excuse for this disrespect from anyone let alone your partner.
  12. by   traumaRUs
    I too am obese. However, if hubby likes his nice warm house, he'd better not comment on it - lol. It's not a matter of the definition of "fat" or "obese." It is the sentiment behind it - that of a put-down. That is wrong.
  13. by   NurseLatteDNP
    Quote from traumaRUs
    I too am obese.
    The OP is 5'5" 156 lbs, that is far away from obese.
    But that's not the point that I want to make. She needs to get that degree for herself and nobody else. The husband sounds like he has major problems adjusting to the new situation. She was home raising the kids all these years. How are the 5 kids reacting to the new student mom?
  14. by   opradiva
    Quote from destined2bCRNA
    Been there, done that, you don't know. YES I have self esteem. YES I love myself. It's nothing to do with that. It has to do with the fact that I just moved here (in this part of town) in October and just to dedicate myself to the career of nursing, I'm trying to get everything right in every part of my life. Not everyone has a perfect life. Not everyone has a perfect support system. Doesn't mean we love ourselves any less; just means we work harder. I was just trying to identify with anyone else in this perfect world that might not have a support system and is in the same boat as me.

    Yes, and I've been there, too. That's why I wrote what I wrote. I can definitely identify with you.

    If you know that your issues have to do with 'the fact that you just moved to a bew part of town in October to dedicate yourself to nursing', then why did you ask for opinions and advice? It's sounds like you didn't get the kind of advice YOU were looking for. Yes, I totally understand where you're coming from. I'll say it again, if you allow a loved one to call you names and belittle you, you don't think too highly of yourself. I can say this without pause...because I've been there, done that.

    :Melody: opradiva

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