Re: Mommyhood and Grad School
I've had slightly different experiences than some of the other posters and wanted to share my rather bumpy journey. I was a SAHM and away from nursing for fourteen years, then became interested in getting back into nursing when my kids were teenagers because I wanted to serve as a parish nurse for my church. When I was doing my RN refresher course and the parish nurse preparation course, my marriage fell apart. It was tough for me but even tougher for my kids. Shortly after the divorce, I decided to go back to grad school to pursue my dream of teaching nursing.
I think what made it rough for me was that I was dealing with a tremendous amount of life change as well as role change. I found it hard to be a single parent---I had financial support but no other parenting support from my ex. The school I attended was over 100 miles away and, at the time, online classes were not an option. Sometimes I had to make difficult decisions and do things that were right for my kids but not necessarily good for my academic program. One semester I had to drop a night class (the class was only available in the evenings) because one of my sons was failing English and needed me at home. My ex would not cooperate and would not take the boys, not for a weekend, not for even an evening, so all the responsibility fell onto me. I admit that when I think about my grad school experience, sometimes I feel angry because had my ex been at all supportive, I could have finished on time and I wouldn't be stuck in limbo like I am now.
My kids also went through a lot of emotional turmoil when my ex remarried. Yes, we had therapists and wonderful, supportive people (especially my then-pastor) who helped us all get through the emotional fallout---but I had difficulty finishing my own work. My older son was trying to make the decision about which college to attend and I felt it was more important for me to listen to him than to read Chapter 13, 14, and 15 before the next day. It was my decision and I made sacrifices because I thought I was doing what was best for my family. (Not trying to say I'm Mom of the Year and better than someone who might have made a different decision---I did what I felt was right for my family at the time and my particular situation.) No regrets on being there for my kids---I do have regrets that I didn't finish my MSN when I thought I would and I ended dropping out of the program when my alimony ended. I found it quite overwhelming to try to balance a full-time job on top of full-time education and single parenting. But then again---those were my circumstances and my decisions. Yes, I do feel resentful for not having finished but I decided to take that energy I'm wasting on being angry and use it to something positive---and now that the kids are both in college and out of the nest, I'm going back to school to realize my dream. I now have a supportive spouse and, well, fifty is the new thirty and I intend to be working for a long time, so I might as well do what I really want. This time, now, is for me.
Sometimes I wonder why I didn't go back to grad school when my kids were younger. But then I remember how unsupportive my then-husband was---he was a control freak and wanted me to be a SAHM, not so much because he thought that was the way he wanted to raise his kids but because it was a way of keeping me in line. I did, however, have a ten-year career as a free-lance writer (and of course he objected to the amount of time I spent writing) and for me, writing was a good occupation while I was raising my kids.
I agree with other posters in that if you have a supportive co-parent, someone who will happily take over childcare responsibilities when you need to study and someone who will be proud and happy that you're going on for further education, you can make it work. But please---do understand that it can be stressful and do what you must to take care of yourselves so you don't burn out. When you take on multiple, challenging roles you can experience role conflict you may need to re-evaluate your priorities, maybe work less, have the kids in daycare more---or less---go to school part-time instead of full-time. I think if you find yourself unhappy, angry, anxious or if your health habits have become less healthy, you may be experiencing role conflict. It is disappointing to have to change educational plans, to take longer to finish a program or to have to drop out---but I learned that such disappointment is not the end of the world or even my dreams. Just a different route---uh, let's call it the back roads or the scenic route, LOL!
I also think if you know you're going to experience role conflict when you go back to school, you need to be proactive and figure out how you'll handle it. I think it's possible for people to avoid the pitfalls I experienced when going back to school---I had no clue of what to expect and was thus totally unprepared. This time, I have a loving, supportive husband and am being proactive in coming up with ways to deal with the inevitable stress I will experience when going back to school.
BTW---all of you with supportive partners---go give them many kisses and hugs every day. You definitely have a treasure if you have someone who will help you through this wild and crazy journey! (Especially when the kids have the sniffles...)
Good luck on your journeys.
(Please wish me luck as well!!!) And StaRNew, love the Star Trek reference!
) and lots of support from family and hubby. Trying to be proactive and think of what I could do before school actually starts.
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