Mixed emotions

[southernbelle08]

This could get a bit lengthy, so I apologize in advance and applaud anyone who makes it through. I am looking for honest opinions as I am trying hard to figure some things out or close a chapter in my life.

I started as an Oncology nurse last year right after graduation. I have always felt a big pull to that area. Mainly Pediatric Oncology, but there were few options for me after graduation so I decided working with adults wasn't a bad plan B. I started working and I quickly became attached to many of my patients and their family members. Even if I didn't have that particular patient on a given night, I would always pop in the room and check in on them and their family. I spent many hours simply listening to a patient or family member talk about many things, and I honestly grew to hold some of these people very close to my heart. I cared for them, thought about them when I was off work, prayed for them, cried for them. They weren't just a job to me. I am sure I speak for many people here in saying all of that, I certainly do not think I am anything special, lol.

My Grandmother, the most important person in my life, was diagnosed with liver cancer and died within about 8 months time. I was devastated, understandably. Then, like some cruel joke the world was playing, I lost my Paternal Grandmother just two months after losing my Maternal Grandmother. I was also losing so many patients around that time, it was just a horrible time in my life all around. To add to that, my work environment was very unsupportive. I'd leave work and cry all the way home. I was depressed, I admit it. Finally I decided I had to get out of that field, I felt like seeing that stuff at work and at home had taken a toll on me. I quit my job in January and took another job on a Surgical floor at another hospital.

Since being away from Oncology and starting my new job, I am much happier. I honestly am. I do enjoy seeing so many of my patients get better and go home. We do get the occasional colon resection, whipple, etc for cancer and I feel such a draw to those patients. My co-workers even point out how I am with them. I still feel a pull to the field of Oncology, but is it possible I am just not cut out for it? You can care, but that doesn't mean you were meant to do it. I suppose I can accept that, but I guess I am honestly just trying to figure myself out so I can either put it back in my future plans or close the door on it entirely.

Anyone have any experience with train wrecks like myself? Are my feelings normal or does it seem like it'd be better off for me elsewhere? I know I can only know certain things about myself, but I guess I was just looking to vent to a group who would understand better than anyone else.

Thank you for your time!

:)

[nurseDee03]

I know where you are comming from. I just completed my first year in an ambulatory chemotherapy office. Learning professional boundries has been one of the most difficult aspects of Oncology nursing for me. Our patients become like family because we spend so much time together and when they die they are suddenly just gone. In our office we are not permitted to discuss dying or hospice alternatives with our patients to help them and us move on to the next step after active treatment. We don't get to say our good- bye's. I think there could be great improvement in this area of our practice but I have turned to the experienced nurses who have helped me seperate a helping relationship from a personal relationship with our patients. Try reading about helping relationships and identify some of your own ways to process their deaths. I staarted a memorial book where I write their name or their nickname that I have for them and a couple words that I associate with that person.(Like loves to tell me jokes, or teases me or beautiful spirit)/ I know it violates hipa sort of but it is private and that is my little way to say goodbye. Just a thought.