Just wanted to say thanks once again to you all. You have all been so supportive. I KNOW it's not my fault I lost the twins, but I can't help but think "if only"....yes, I know, it's supposedly not my fault. BUT, I was the one carrying them, the one responsible for their precious little lifes.....I was their mommy....
I still think about my babies everyday....I would have been almost 22 weeks now...almost 'there' had this not happened. And I do miss them everyday. I think I will always miss them. At first it was so hard to see my tummy flat without that little "poof" that came with being just 17 wks preg with twins, but it's getting a little better everyday. It has to get better, I have two other boys to think of.
And you know what? I've been through other things I never thought I'd make it through. I know that my boys and I will be okay, we were before....
A few years ago I nearly lost both of my boys to a near drowning accident. My oldest son, Zach, who ended up nearly drowning d/t trying to save his baby brother, was found in the water first and has no lasting neuro problems....thank GOD.
My youngest son, Jacob, had to re-learn EVERYTHING you can possibly imagine. Everything. From holding his head up, to swallowing, walking, talking, bowel and bladder...to even holding a fricking fork, among everthing else we all take for granted. I mean we're talking EVERYTHING
. It was the worst. I'll never
forget having to strap that child's head to a wheelchair because he couldn't hold it up on his own, and watch him drool...and him not knowing anything 2 seconds after having done it....and not knowing if he'd EVER know or be able to do anything independently again....we were told he probably wouldn't. He had a severe brain injury and will always suffer the effects of that brain injury. Thank GOD also that Jacob is pretty much completely physically independent today, if not emotionally and intellectually....he still does amazingly well. And more importantly, I STILL have him...
Actually, I don't know which it worse. Why try to compare? Both have been horrible. I almost lost two children a few years ago, and I DID
lose two children a month ago. Which is worse??? Almost losing the ones I'd raised for 8 and 10 yrs, or losing the ones I was carrying and waiting to give birth and life to?? I don't know which is worse. I know neither are easy. I will NOT compare. I KNOW that I have two precious miracles here with me now that I have to think of. God... or whoever you believe in....(I believe no one is wrong in their spiritual beliefs) saw fit to have my twins come to them...not be here right now. I know there has to be a reason.
I KNOW we'll be okay. I've had a rough month. My boys have had a rough month. I mean I never physically lost Jacob, but I lost the 8 yr old I knew. And I had to get to know a whole new Jacob. I'll never have a new set of twins to get to know, but I have my other two miracles here now. I KNOW we'll be okay. I miss the twins, but have to take care of my boys that were given back to me.
Thanks again for your words of encouragement, thoughts and prayers......
Jul 9, '04
I am father of three. I am sorry to hear about your loss.
Last edit by Rep on Jul 9, '04