Thanks for thoughts of my lost twins.....

  1. Just wanted to say thanks once again to you all. You have all been so supportive. I KNOW it's not my fault I lost the twins, but I can't help but think "if only"....yes, I know, it's supposedly not my fault. BUT, I was the one carrying them, the one responsible for their precious little lifes.....I was their mommy....

    I still think about my babies everyday....I would have been almost 22 weeks now...almost 'there' had this not happened. And I do miss them everyday. I think I will always miss them. At first it was so hard to see my tummy flat without that little "poof" that came with being just 17 wks preg with twins, but it's getting a little better everyday. It has to get better, I have two other boys to think of.

    And you know what? I've been through other things I never thought I'd make it through. I know that my boys and I will be okay, we were before....

    A few years ago I nearly lost both of my boys to a near drowning accident. My oldest son, Zach, who ended up nearly drowning d/t trying to save his baby brother, was found in the water first and has no lasting neuro problems....thank GOD.
    My youngest son, Jacob, had to re-learn EVERYTHING you can possibly imagine. Everything. From holding his head up, to swallowing, walking, talking, bowel and bladder...to even holding a fricking fork, among everthing else we all take for granted. I mean we're talking EVERYTHING. It was the worst. I'll never forget having to strap that child's head to a wheelchair because he couldn't hold it up on his own, and watch him drool...and him not knowing anything 2 seconds after having done it....and not knowing if he'd EVER know or be able to do anything independently again....we were told he probably wouldn't. He had a severe brain injury and will always suffer the effects of that brain injury. Thank GOD also that Jacob is pretty much completely physically independent today, if not emotionally and intellectually....he still does amazingly well. And more importantly, I STILL have him...

    Actually, I don't know which it worse. Why try to compare? Both have been horrible. I almost lost two children a few years ago, and I DID lose two children a month ago. Which is worse??? Almost losing the ones I'd raised for 8 and 10 yrs, or losing the ones I was carrying and waiting to give birth and life to?? I don't know which is worse. I know neither are easy. I will NOT compare. I KNOW that I have two precious miracles here with me now that I have to think of. God... or whoever you believe in....(I believe no one is wrong in their spiritual beliefs) saw fit to have my twins come to them...not be here right now. I know there has to be a reason.

    I KNOW we'll be okay. I've had a rough month. My boys have had a rough month. I mean I never physically lost Jacob, but I lost the 8 yr old I knew. And I had to get to know a whole new Jacob. I'll never have a new set of twins to get to know, but I have my other two miracles here now. I KNOW we'll be okay. I miss the twins, but have to take care of my boys that were given back to me.

    Thanks again for your words of encouragement, thoughts and prayers......

    Kim
    •  
  2. 10 Comments

  3. by   sandypinktruck
    {{{{hugs and prayers}}}}
  4. by   Rep
    I am father of three. I am sorry to hear about your loss.
    Last edit by Rep on Jul 9, '04
  5. by   J Lynn
    Kim, you'll get through this. And with this experience, God has a plan for you in nursing to help other women who will be going through the same thing. You are stronger because of it and as long as you don't turn your back on God, He'll make great things happen for you.
  6. by   SmilingBluEyes
    (((((((((((Kim))))))))))))
  7. by   Mandarella
    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{kim}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} }}}}}}
  8. by   OHmom2boys
    Quote from J Lynn
    Kim, you'll get through this. And with this experience, God has a plan for you in nursing to help other women who will be going through the same thing. You are stronger because of it and as long as you don't turn your back on God, He'll make great things happen for you.


    Thank you J Lynn....I would never, ever turn my back on God. And he's already made great things happen for me and my boys....look what he's done for Jacob. Jacob, according to the docs, should not even be ALIVE. He's doing pretty awesome for a child who was supposed to die that first night, then to never wake from his coma, then to never walk or talk again...he certainly showed them what he was made of and then some!
    And God was with that baby every step of the way....through every struggle to hold his head up to every fight to speak a word or take that first step....and everything else. Jacob fought so darn hard for his recovery that there were many...actually MOST days it almost physically hurt me to watch him fight...always hurt emotionally...but he NEVER, EVER gave up..... and God was with him.....and me. Jacob told me so once. You wouldn't believe the things Jacob has told me. He has more of an understanding of God than lots of people who've been on this earth 5 times as long as him. He knows and says things that blow me away.

    God got me through the boys' drowning and I do know he'll get me through this....it's just going to take time. As for being stronger....I'm not feeling that way today. For some reason today was an especially hard day.

    I also always thought that I could help other parents of near drowns. Maybe I did help some...not in person though. Through our online support group....maybe. I hope.

    There was a time that Children's Hospital did call me to come, as a contact parent, and talk to a mom of a recent near drown. I drove the 60 miles and talked to mom, saw the child, which about killed me, and never heard from any of them again. Including the nurse manager of PICU who called me as a contact parent in the first place. I was pretty hurt that I had put myself through all that, the memories, going BACK to that same PICU, for a person I didn't know and then no one would even answer my calls to let me know how the little girl was. Then I saw on the local news that mom had been charged with child endangerment or neglect or something like that because she was passed out drunk or on drugs on the couch while the 2 yr old little girl was in the bath tub drowing upstairs. So, I guess no one could talk to me about it. But that was something I made everyone promise, just to let me know how the child was....even the nurse manager promised. I feel the least they could have done when I called was to tell me something generic like "the case is in court"...or..."the child is still alive" or something. I don't know. Maybe that's my own selfishness talking. But I felt like I had put myself in postion of letting myself be freshly reminded of all those horrible days of not knowing whether my son would live or die, and the visit really did re-open some pretty bad feelings, just to be ignored. I understand that legally they probably couldn't do anything about it...but like I said, probably my own selfishness and hurt feelings talking here.

    Would I do it again for another mom or dad??? You bet. In a heartbeat. Because I remember that feeling of being so alone when Jacob was in PICU, not knowing if he would live or die, with no one to talk to who knew what I was feeling. So, even though I may not have made much of a difference with that parent, I'm always willing for God to place me in a position to potentially help another human...be it mom or dad, grandma or grandpa, aunt or uncle, sister or brother....or anyone who knows and loves a near drown. Just as someday, after I, myself can heal somewhat from this, I will be willing to be there for another parent who's lost a child or multiples to miscarriage.

    Turn my back on God??? Don't even think about it. :wink2:

    I'll be okay.....just not today.

    Thanks again to you all,
    Kim
  9. by   ?burntout
    I am just reading this....I wanted to tell you I am so sorry about your babies...

    I have lost 2 babies-one at 8 weeks to vanishing twin syndrome and then the other baby, Blake, was born at 32 weeks with Tetralogy of Fallot (and bilateral cleft lip and palate): Blake lived for 12 days. It has been 2 years now since he died. You will get through this...it takes time and a lot of work. I have good days and I still have bad days...you just take each day at a time.

    Do you have a good support system? Are you involved in a pregnancy/infant loss support group? I encourage you to find a support group for those that have experienced pregnancy/infant loss: it helps to know you are not alone and if you are having any feelings that you feel are strange or abnormal...you can be reassured that you are in fact ok...

    There are several online if you don't have any that are local: if you are interested I can give you the links by PM or post them here.

    If you need anything, please don't hesitate to PM me... Also, if you like to read, I have a list of books on my son's memorial website that I have read and I like-it helped me to read (and still does). Here is a link to that page on Blake's site: Booklist for bereaved parents

    Sending you many hugs......((((((KIM))))))
  10. by   J Lynn
    Kim, I put you on my prayer list. I pray that God does great things for you.
  11. by   altomga
    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    You and your family are in my prayers.
  12. by   jnette
    Quote from J Lynn
    Kim, I put you on my prayer list. I pray that God does great things for you.
    Add me to the post above. May you be abundantly blessed so that you, in turn, might bless others in their time of need. ((((((((HUGS))))))))

close