Someone Please talk to ME....I am Brokenhearted

Specialties Ob/Gyn

Published

A tough, difficult weekend in OB for me.....we had a 23-week lady (hx infertility x6 years) come in with "just a few cramps and pink tinged mucus" for evaluation. She was smiling, and very very upbeat. Not for long.....u OB nurses can guess what happens next.......

Upshot, telescoping membranes, 3cm cervix, perfect fetal strip, however..... put into trendelenburg, indocin, magnesium, you-name-it to TRY and save the pregnancy, but of course, it failed. Water broke after 6 hours of all this stuff and naturally the poor family begged us to "do everything"......what could we do? 23 weeks is just too soon..........they then revised their wishes to "comfort measures"....which was done.

The baby was born mid-day, initial apgar, 5 and then died. HOW SAD.....It brought back all my sadness of all my losses (4 in 2 years recently). I did ok with them, I really was strong, but spent the weekend in tears once my shifts were over.........still so emotionally overwrought and tired.....and just plain ragged. Just needed to vent. Nothing anyone could do for that family and nothing anyone can do for me either. I guess my miscarriages/losses are still bothering me a great deal. More than I want to admit even to myself. When will I just get on with it????? :angryfire

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel whole again. Sometimes I wonder what I am doing in OB. It's such a "happy" place to work.....til crap like this happens to good people...oh and this is the 3rd 23/24 week loss in 2 weeks. This sucks. :crying2:

Thank you for listening. I am getting all worked up again ugh. :uhoh21:

Specializes in Gerontological, cardiac, med-surg, peds.

So sorry Deb. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling, and I hope I never know. :crying2: You are in my thoughts and prayers. God is the only one who can heal a broken heart and I am asking Him to minister to you in a very special way.

Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.

Awww you guys are great. SUCH encouragement and kind words. I hope I helped that family. It's my strongest desire to be therapeutic in such situations and this requires such strength in me at times I am not sure I have anymore.

I am considering what I may do next. I may check into another area, like renal/dialysis internship or something. Not sure. I do feel my gift is in OB and so do my coworkers. I am told all the time what a gift to my patients I am. But you are all right; I have to fill "me" up now. I am seeing a really good counselor about my troubles, trying to sort myself out in many ways. There is so much more than my losses going on with me and I want to be whole again, one bit at a time. Not ready to cash it all in yet.

If my kids were older, I would love to volunteer for an organization like "Doctors Without Borders" and REALLY give of myself. That is actually my dream someday. But the kids need me at home right now, so I will have to wait. But it's a dream I hold onto--- one day, hoping to fulfill. I would REALLY feel like I am making a difference then, kwim?

Anyhow, thanks so much for letting me vent. And those of you who PMed me, I am going to answer each of you, as thoughtfully as you wrote to me. It means more than you know to hear these words and that you would take the time here and in PM to care, well what can I say? My gratitude is deep.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :kiss

I'm so sorry Deb... (((HUGS)))

I will keep you in my prayers.

I used to think I wanted to be an OB nurse but the heartbreaks that happen keep me from it. Everyone I know that talks about nursing says "oh I'd love to be a nurse and work with the babies" like it's all happy all the time. During my clinicals I saw so many heartbreaking things.

Specializes in oncology.

That patient was fortunate to have such a compassionate nurse. I lost a baby at 25 weeks and went through many miscarriages. I could never work in L&D for this reason. It still hurts too much (and it's been 8 years). I really admire you. Do not worry about the tears. They are not a sign of weakness - you are a great nurse doing a difficult job with real compassion.

Deb-my thoughts and prayers are with you! I am so sorry for your loss-and for the loss of your patient and her family. I too, have experienced loss-5 miscarriges.. I hear so many people say-Why still try..etc. Well, for the same reason I stay in OB-the birth of a child is a gift- And being blessed with seeing and being a part of this gift (even if it is not our gift) while at work, somehow makes me feel better. At first, I thought it would be like rubbing salt in a fresh wound-but no,not really. I am RTS trained-It is a wonderful program. Experiencing loss ourselves, makes you more comfortable in another persons shoes-you know the pain..It is a gift to have empathy-even at the expense of sadness.. The pain eventually moves on, but as you know there is an empty spot-never quite filled. That spot remains for us to remember the lovely little life(s) that we never met, but also to pass on any little bit of help we can muster from what we have experienced. If OB is your calling-your gift, do not cheat yourself-or your patients from all the wisdom you have. I see your posts all the time, you appear to be such a bright star--take time for you! Take care of you!

Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.

thank you all for helping me fill my well. I am doing better today, with a few days and space from it all. I have had time to think about things and to talk to my therapist about how I feel and it sure helped. Much more, it helped to reach out to human beings such as yourselves who KNOW how this feels and had such kind and thoughtful words for me. I can't say thank you enough, each of you, for being there in my time of need. I am still teary about it, but I am functioning ok and know I will hang in there. You guys are the BEST, what else can I possibly say?

Specializes in School Nursing, Ambulatory Care, etc..

Smiling,

(((((HUGS)))))

Your strength shines thru. I know the pain of loosing a child, and hope that when I'm a "grown up nurse" I can be as strong and caring as you are. It's okay to go home and cry, it's okay to cry with your patients and their families.

(((((HUGS))))

Specializes in MS Home Health.

Blue eyes I am so sorry for your family in crisis who lost their child. I too know that pain. I commend you for helping them and I am sorry you have experienced the same heartbreak.

renerian :o

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