OB nurses, what do you do in adoption situations? - page 6

What happens? What is your role? What do you say? What is appropriate? Any interesting stories on this subject? Thanks! :)... Read More

  1. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Quote from fergus51
    Maybe this is incredibly un-pc, but I do think things need to be more expedient. Like it or not, time matters. A parent needs to be ready to parent the second their child arrives and if they aren't, it's the child that suffers. Certainly there should be help for them, but it can't drag on forever.
    Just dealt with a case that makes me feel this way, also fergus. NO details, but some people should not have kids, let alone 3 of them before they are 21. I wish I could have adopted the baby just born into this messed-up situation. Now, he will languish in the state-custody system, til they figure out what to do next. It sucks. what can I say? I would love to have a baby----I am not unbiased. But something needs to be done for these kids, too!
  2. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Quote from mercyteapot
    Oh, if it has escalated to the point where a child is in foster care, I agree, there have to be strict time limits. I just had the sense earlier in the thread that we were starting to talk about babies being adopted solely because their mothers were young, unwed and/or poor.
    oh no absolutely not just cause they are unwed or young. But using or dealing drugs? Running a meth lab? Prior history of child neglect and abuse? Other equally-horrendous history? I think these people who continue to make crappy and wrong choices after being give chance after chance, should not be given yet another opportunity to screw up yet another kid's life!
  3. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Quote from fergus51
    I didn't say just less than optimal. I am talking about people who really aren't ready. Some help in the short term is fine with me and it's out there (education options for teen moms, temporary housing, social work, drug and alcohol treatment), but spending years trying to get a parent ready to be a parent is ridiculous. You miss opportunities for bonding and that has consequences. A two year old shouldn't have to STILL be in foster care waiting around for his mom to be able to care for him.
    exactly right. :angryfire
  4. by   brigaily2000
    Quote from SmilingBluEyes
    oh no absolutely not just cause they are unwed or young. But using or dealing drugs? Running a meth lab? Prior history of child neglect and abuse? Other equally-horrendous history? I think these people who continue to make crappy and wrong choices after being give chance after chance, should not be given yet another opportunity to screw up yet another kid's life!
    Yes. I used to see this in my practice and it made me sick. Also, couples who would be fantastic parents who can't have them and go the in vitro route. We do not live in a perfect world. The Serenity Prayer helps.
  5. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Quote from brigaily2000
    Yes. I used to see this in my practice and it made me sick. Also, couples who would be fantastic parents who can't have them and go the in vitro route. We do not live in a perfect world. The Serenity Prayer helps.
    I think a lot would reconsider IVF if they knew adoption laws were not so prohibitive in some states. My dh cousin has gone through hell in a failed adoption recently. I would not want that ordeal on my worst enemy.
  6. by   adptvmom
    I have two adoptive children who were born at different hospitals. The first was great! We were allowed to room in with our new baby from day one until three. I had an armband to match the baby, and could get him from the nursery whenever I chose. Actually, I kept him in our room the entire time unless I was showering or in the cafeteria for food! The nurses all knew we were in the room, but it was like we weren't in the room because they gave us complete privacy. Our birthmom went home the day after our child was born! She asked for some alone time with our son in our room before she left and I had to convince the nurse that we were really okay with that. Birthmoms have hard decisions to make, and saying goodbye is a very private and painful thing for them to do. Things worked out beautifully for us.

    Our second situation was much different. Our child had an extended stay in the NICU due to some minor issues. We did not see the baby until 15 days after the birth due to the birthmom making her final decisions. We made numerous trips back and forth to the hospital and stayed for long periods of time with our child which was great for us. The nurses there were wonderful, but I will admit that they asked many private and personal questions of us and the adoption situation. Please keep in mind that some adoptions are more "open" than others and sometimes the adoptive family or the birthfamily may want to keep certain things private.

    My husband actually spoke to a local hospital about this as part of an Adoption Awareness Training for hospital staff. I commend you all for what you do! I am an educator and often have to remind myself that children are born into circumstances that are beyond their control and as adults all we can really do is love them when they are in our care.

    Support the birthmothers and the adoptive families. Adoption is a beautiful thing, but there is often heartache with it as well.
  7. by   33-weeker
    I've had birth moms who took care of their babies and others who didn't want to see them much if at all. One social worker once said that the birth mom should see and hold her baby 'so she will know what she is greiving'.

    I have to admit that the one mom who changed her mind at the last minute was one who didn't want to see her baby. She had to ask which one was her baby when she came to get her because she had never seen her. It was so sad for the adoptive parents. They were such nice people. Although I didn't say anything, I was upset with the birth mom for stringing them along like that. After going through that (had worked on the discharge teaching with the adoptive parents,etc.) I since have an aversion to adoptive parents to get involved so early. Seems it would almost be better to call them after the relinquishment has been signed.

    I also despise dealing with pushy adoption agency people and pushy, anxious adoptive moms. Making sure the adoption paperwork is in order is a pain, too. I often wish they would just d/c to the birth mom and let her hand the baby over in the parking lot.

    (Realy, I am not as much of a B**** as I sound like - just don't like the tension and legal issues associated with adoptions in hospital)
  8. by   adptvmom
    To 33-Weeker,

    I don't think you sound like a "B" at all! I think you just see things from a different view since you had involvment with both parties.

    I will say that the agency we went through encourages bmoms to hold their babies and to say goodbye so they can begin the grieving process as you mentioned. In both of our adoptions, papers were signed before we ever met the birthmoms or saw our children for the first time.

    In our state (AL), a bmom has 5 days in which she can change her mind AFTER signing papers without legal action. Then she has an additional 9 days that she can change her mind, but would have to do so through a legal process. Usually, if you make it past the 5 days, you are safe. We thank God that our situations have worked out so smoothly!

    At discharge, the baby is relinquished to the adoption agency and was handed over to us in the parking lot. (although the nurses were right there with us and helped us get our things into the car) In each of our adoptions, the bmom had already been released from the hospital and was at home. I think we have just been fortunate to have a wonderful adoption coordinator who is not pushy with hospital staff!
  9. by   mgalloLPN
    Quote from mugwump
    Your job is to be supportive and non-judgemental. We had one case where the mom was going to change her mind and she pin pointed a nurse that had "talked her into keeping the baby" that nurse was told she could be sued for interviening in a legal matter or something like that. I don't know exactly. I had one family who was pregnant with twins and was only keeping one. Didn't even tell the rest of the family she was pregnant with twins, we had to time when we monitered the babies since only her and her husband knew there were two in there. She had met the couple that was adopting the other child (they were keeping whichever one came out first) they were going to take summer vacations together so the kids would get to know eachother. While I DID NOT agree with their decision. In fact i thought it was the stupidest thing ever. I supported their decision and respected it. I was a nurse I remained NONJUDGEMENTAL. Well i guess i did judge them since I just said it was stupid, but I did not tell them that, and I treated them the same whether they were making a dumb decsion or making a decision that I would have agreed with.

    That's sad. I wonder why they decided to separate the twins? Poor babies.

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