OB nurses, what do you do in adoption situations? - page 4

What happens? What is your role? What do you say? What is appropriate? Any interesting stories on this subject? Thanks! :)... Read More

  1. by   brigaily2000
    Quote from nurse_wannabe
    That's not what you said in your previous post:

    Your opinions could have landed you in some serious hot water. Better you keep them to yourself when it involves *the* most important aspect of someone else's life. As a result of you speaking "very lovingly in favor of adoption," you might have persuaded a woman to give up her baby who now regrets it every single day. It was never your place to judge who was fit and unfit.
    Fergus 51 has it right. I never tried to persuade anybody to do anything. If they had already decided on adoption is when I made my feelings known. Not before. I NEVER tried to persuade a woman to give up her baby. Never. A nurse is there to care for the patient not try to bend her will. It's easy to judge who is fit and who is unfit for motherhood, but necessary for the nurse to keep her mouth shut. And that I did.
  2. by   nurse_wannabe
    Quote from brigaily2000
    Fergus 51 has it right. I never tried to persuade anybody to do anything. If they had already decided on adoption is when I made my feelings known. Not before. I NEVER tried to persuade a woman to give up her baby. Never. A nurse is there to care for the patient not try to bend her will. It's easy to judge who is fit and who is unfit for motherhood, but necessary for the nurse to keep her mouth shut. And that I did.
    If the mom had already made her decision, then I believe sharing your personal story about adoption was a great thing to do. I'm sure it made her feel much better about the decision she made and hopefully set her mind at ease.
  3. by   brigaily2000
    Quote from nurse_wannabe
    If the mom had already made her decision, then I believe sharing your personal story about adoption was a great thing to do. I'm sure it made her feel much better about the decision she made and hopefully set her mind at ease.
    Righto! Thanks!!
  4. by   MedicalZebra
    I also had a baby at 17. My mother was a real tyrant through the whole thing, and wanted the doctors to knock me out and take the baby so I'd never see her... the nurse told her, "We haven't done that in this hospital for over 15 years!" If it hadn't been for the kindness and support of the nurses, I don't know how I'd have gotten through it. I had a c-section and was on the surgical floor, supposedly to 'spare me' the sight of other mothers with babies... but both roommates had lost babies and were kind of ticked off at me for giving mine up!

    Thank God that the nurses knew my mother had no right to forbid me to see my daughter's father in the hospital, and that she had no right to yell at me in my room-- one nurse told my mother that since my blood pressure was already dangerously high, if she continued to yell at me, the nurse would have the security guard escort her out of the building! My mother snapped, "You can't do that! I'm her mother!" and the nurse said, "You're endangering her life-- I certainly can!" I was so grateful to that nurse for sticking up for me.

    None of the nurses I had were in any way judgemental of me or my decision to give my daughter up for adoption... I was just a 'regular' mom on their shift. But they did show incredible courage in standing up to my mother and telling her to get off my back!
  5. by   Debbie_LPN
    I would just like to say thank you to all the nurses. I was on the other end of care, giving up my baby at the age of 18, and the nurses made it go a lot smoother for me.

    At first, I said I just want to know what it is. Then When I heard my son cry, I changed my mind, I took care of him while in the hospital. It was hard. But having nurses there that were so compassionate made all the difference.

    That is the one of the things that I will never forget: The care I recieved in such a tough time. I just want to say thank-you to all the nurses who go that extra mile to make sure the pt is number 1.
  6. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Wow these stories here really, really bring "it all home" for me. Thank you, those of you who shared such personal stories. They serve as a poingnant reminder to us as nurses, that our care does make ALLLL The difference. I am humbled.
  7. by   sbic56
    Quote from MedicalZebra
    I also had a baby at 17. My mother was a real tyrant through the whole thing, and wanted the doctors to knock me out and take the baby so I'd never see her... the nurse told her, "We haven't done that in this hospital for over 15 years!" If it hadn't been for the kindness and support of the nurses, I don't know how I'd have gotten through it. I had a c-section and was on the surgical floor, supposedly to 'spare me' the sight of other mothers with babies... but both roommates had lost babies and were kind of ticked off at me for giving mine up!

    Thank God that the nurses knew my mother had no right to forbid me to see my daughter's father in the hospital, and that she had no right to yell at me in my room-- one nurse told my mother that since my blood pressure was already dangerously high, if she continued to yell at me, the nurse would have the security guard escort her out of the building! My mother snapped, "You can't do that! I'm her mother!" and the nurse said, "You're endangering her life-- I certainly can!" I was so grateful to that nurse for sticking up for me.

    None of the nurses I had were in any way judgemental of me or my decision to give my daughter up for adoption... I was just a 'regular' mom on their shift. But they did show incredible courage in standing up to my mother and telling her to get off my back!
    I'm glad your nurses stood up your mother through it all. Your choices were respected and honored, which is the way it should be. They should have had the forethought to not place you with mothers grieving the loss of their babies. That sure was not fair for you to have had to be in that environment. You would have been better off on the OB floor. But, the nurses support is the important thing and yes, you are a regular mom who made a loving, unselfish decision so your baby could have the best possible.
  8. by   sbic56
    Quote from Debbie_LPN
    I would just like to say thank you to all the nurses. I was on the other end of care, giving up my baby at the age of 18, and the nurses made it go a lot smoother for me.

    At first, I said I just want to know what it is. Then When I heard my son cry, I changed my mind, I took care of him while in the hospital. It was hard. But having nurses there that were so compassionate made all the difference.

    That is the one of the things that I will never forget: The care I recieved in such a tough time. I just want to say thank-you to all the nurses who go that extra mile to make sure the pt is number 1.
    Your sincere thanks are just the thing that keep nurses going, but as one yourself, you know that! I'm sure you are every bit as giving and compassionate as those nurses who were there for you. Someone has you in mind today for what you did for them.
  9. by   LPN/TXnurse
    Quote from brigaily2000
    No. Not saying that at all. What I AM saying is that a child is BETTER OFF in a loving 2 parent home. After having 3 kids myself with a husband, I can tell you that a father/man is really needed. Being a single mom must be tough.
    I was a single mom for about two years after I separated from my husband....and it was hard. But it's not necessarily true that a child is better off in a "2" parent home. My children were affected by my separation from their dad but my children still had "2" parents that loved them....just in two separate houses. I think that you saying that a child is better off in a two parent home is insulting. Not everyone is able to make a marriage work but that doesn't make them bad parents and that doesn't mean that the children involved are at a disadvantage.
  10. by   brigaily2000
    Quote from LPN/TXnurse
    I was a single mom for about two years after I separated from my husband....and it was hard. But it's not necessarily true that a child is better off in a "2" parent home. My children were affected by my separation from their dad but my children still had "2" parents that loved them....just in two separate houses. I think that you saying that a child is better off in a two parent home is insulting. Not everyone is able to make a marriage work but that doesn't make them bad parents and that doesn't mean that the children involved are at a disadvantage.
    No one is saying that you or anyone else is a bad parent. The fact that the marriage didn't work certainly does NOT mean that you are a bad parent. What I AM saying that IDEALLY children should be raised in a 2 parent home. If this is impossible, certainly the alternative can work as long as there is love and affection from both sides. You said your children were "affected by the separation." Obviously you and your former husband have worked things out to the benefit of your children. My mother was raised in a one parent home and she survived admirably.
    To sum up: A 2 parent home is the IDEAL, but that does NOT mean that a one parent home is detrimental or cannot succeed ..... because it can.
  11. by   mercyteapot
    Quote from brigaily2000
    I am adopted myself and strongly strongly favor adoption. I used to work in a postpartal unit and it was most difficult for me to witness young, inexperienced single women keeping their babies. People are selfish to the max thinking of themselves only when many should be giving their babies to a loving 2 parent family that loves them.
    I have seen single parenting firsthand (in my own family) and it's tough on everyone.
    It was hard for me being a nurse and seeing this over and over again. In many instances, when the new mother was making her decision, I spoke very lovingly in favor of adoption. This was/is my opinion and I was entitled to it. If the new mother, however, was bound and determined to keep her baby, I was quiet.
    I could write on and on about this, but suffice to say, if people started to think more about THE BABY and less about themselves, adoption would be more popular.
    While there are a great many situations where what you say applies, I hope you're not saying that no young, unwed mother is capable of giving her child a good life. Two parent families break up in divorce every day, and lots of time no one saw it coming, so I don't think that's a very reliable criteria to use in judging who is most able to provide stability for a baby. For all we know, that same young mother may get married next year and stay married for the rest of her life. Nor do I think being low income or unskilled automatically will make you a poor mother. These families will need more in the way of support and guidance than many others, but I have seen many families thrive when these are provided. You and your child will have many challenges ahead of you, but I have a real problem with jumping to the conclusion that a young woman is not capable of providing the kind of love and guidance that children need to grow up happily. I do have a huge problem with parents who by experience have proven themselves to be unfit that keep reproducing indiscriminately, but lots of them are neither young nor unmarried.
  12. by   reprise
    Quote from brigaily2000
    Ok, Galaxy, calm down. Being an adopted child myself, I favor adoption when the bio mom for whatever reason cannot/willnot care for the child.
    Our adoption system here is totally different to that in the US and was changed some years ago to reflect the fact that many of the situations under which young women previously relinquished their children for adoption were temporary. Now, when the reasons for relinquishing a child are temporary in nature (poverty, youth, inexperience) the focus is on providing the mother with sufficient support to enable her to ultimately care for her child herself. In practical terms, this means that it takes about 2 years for an adoption to become final here and that a very small amount of newborns are available for adoption (IIRC, it was less than 20 in the whole state last year).

    Although it's still not a perfect system, it's a lot better than the one we had previously in which young women were often coerced into relinquishing their babies on the basis of their situation at the time of the child's birth.
  13. by   bluesky
    Quote from sbic56
    (Sorry this is OT, all,but this post was begging a reply)

    Be careful how you judge others by your own experiences. I raised my 2 sons alone and yes, it was hard, but very rewarding. I never once saw them as a burden and didn't wish for the day they would be grown, so the work would end. I never felt they would have been better off just by me being married. Indeed, it could have been alot worse. They grew up in a stable and very loving home. We remain close and at 25 & 30 they are sucessful, independent and well adjusted. Any single parent or couple would be proud if their kids turned out as they have.
    AMEN! Good for you- and happy mother's day.

    I currently have elected to stay with my temperamental husband yet everyday I have to ask myself the question isn't this worse for my son, really?
    Last edit by bluesky on May 8, '05

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