The most ridiculous birth plans you've had the pleasure of reading - page 2

by PeepnBiscuitsRN

43,311 Views | 170 Comments

I don't know when I became so jaded- I had a birth plan with my son...every single thing went the opposite of what we had wanted (induction, ITN with subsequent pukefest and finally stat section for non reassuring heart rate and... Read More


  1. 2
    Haha laminated? Rotfl!


    When people ask me "how long" I now say "ask your baby"--I get 10-20 seconds of completely vacant and then they usually start to laugh like I've made a joke
  2. 7
    Like previous posters, I welcome a birth plan as a means of opening a dialog with a couple I've just met and understanding their preferences and desires. All good.

    But I draw the line when those plans involve "demands" that would prevent me from delivering quality nursing care, and I explain this to the couple. For example, "I do not wish to have IV pain medication (OK so far), and no one is to offer it to me at any time or under any circumstances (no longer OK). I understand and admire a couple's desire to avoid IV pain medication and will go to the ends of the earth to provide other comfort measures. But we all know that there are times when other measures don't work, the patient is bordering of loss of all control due to pain, and would benefit from pharmacological measures to help her remain composed and able to focus on laboring and/or pushing effectively. I have had patients at that point give their consent for a trial of IV pain meds, only to have a partner step in and try to prevent me from administering it.

    To avoid a possible scene at this point, I let the couple know at the beginning that I will honor their wishes and not offer pain meds frivolously, but if I believe that there is a dire need, I will discuss the option with the patient. If she consents, I will not be deterred by the partner, who (with all due respect) is not my patient, and will not be allowed to interfere with the necessary and appropriate care of my patient.

    Unfortunately, I have had more than one experience with overbearing men demanding that their partners not receive pain medication despite the woman's request. They have gotten a social services referral toot sweet.
  3. 15
    The general consensus at my hospital was this: the longer the birthplan, the quicker you end up in the OR. And if it was laminted, Katy bar the door! that section was usually stat without even time for an initial instrument count.

    I'm all for making a birth experience your own (if we ever had that rare patient that wanted to go natural, I'd end up taking them because I was the most comfortable with natural labors), but I truly believe the doctor in the movie Knocked Up said it best, "You want a special experience? Go to a Jimmy Buffet concert."

    I would usually go through them line by line with the patients, and gently try to point out their dumba$$ery. "We do not wish you to circumsice our son without first discussing it with us." "Oh thank you, thank you, thank you, great stupid ones, I always arbitrarily pick out boy babies to circ, and I spirit them away in the dead of night when you are sleeping. Bwa ha ha ha ha!!!!" I really don't give one good dang about who gets circed and who doesn't, and I'm certainly not going to risk my license on something like that.

    It reminds me of all the many times I've been asked as I'm about to give medication, "Will that hurt the baby?" OF COURSE it will!! It's our generation's answer to thalidomide, and I'm just drooling in anticipation as I pepare to give your baby flippers! Geesh, what the heck are they thinking? I'm not your enemy, and if you are so convinced that I am, then stay your butt at home!
    Last edit by monkeybug on Oct 29, '12 : Reason: change word
  4. 6
    Unfortunately, my hospital is not very conducive to natural laboring. Upon admission, orders go in for everyone to be clear liquids, continuous EFM and toco, and LR running at 125 ml/hr. For any woman to come in with a birth plan is a little bit humorous because if you don't want an epidural, then why did you want to get admitted? That's truly the mentality---don't come in unless you want an epidural or are fully.

    Still, we had one birth plan state "in the event of an emergency C-section, I would like my husband and doula to be in the room, the drape lowered so I can see the baby, be able to breast feed immediately and be sewn up with steri strips, not staples." Some people want to sign a waiver for the erythro and vit K, but its against New York State law. One woman decided she wanted an epidural but not an IV, but per anesthesia pts must be bolused with a liter of fluid before they'll place an epidural. So then she capitulated but wanted an 'IV nurse' to start it. Well, the IV team doesn't start until 8am and this was the middle of the night.....

    What I don't understand is, if these women do enough research to learn what steri strips and saline locks are, then how come they don't research the hospital's policies to know if that's a place they'd like to give birth?
    Altra, Mermaidblues, summeroflov, and 3 others like this.
  5. 5
    Quote from dariah
    Unfortunately, my hospital is not very conducive to natural laboring. Upon admission, orders go in for everyone to be clear liquids, continuous EFM and toco, and LR running at 125 ml/hr. For any woman to come in with a birth plan is a little bit humorous because if you don't want an epidural, then why did you want to get admitted? That's truly the mentality---don't come in unless you want an epidural or are fully.

    Still, we had one birth plan state "in the event of an emergency C-section, I would like my husband and doula to be in the room, the drape lowered so I can see the baby, be able to breast feed immediately and be sewn up with steri strips, not staples." Some people want to sign a waiver for the erythro and vit K, but its against New York State law. One woman decided she wanted an epidural but not an IV, but per anesthesia pts must be bolused with a liter of fluid before they'll place an epidural. So then she capitulated but wanted an 'IV nurse' to start it. Well, the IV team doesn't start until 8am and this was the middle of the night.....

    What I don't understand is, if these women do enough research to learn what steri strips and saline locks are, then how come they don't research the hospital's policies to know if that's a place they'd like to give birth?
    An epidural without an IV? Umm, yeah, okay, right. I think people get on the internet, find sample birth plans, and think, "ooh, yeah, that sounds good! I want an 'IV nurse!'" When in truth, most L&D nurses are pretty great with IVs out of necessity. They don't realize that they are making enemies where none exist. I will never forget watching my nurse manager put in an IV, she got beautiful flashback with the FIRST stick and the patient snapped, "Why don't you get someone in here that knows what they are doing?" My manager calmly pulled that patent IV out, said OK, and walked out. It then took the CRNA SIX sticks to get it in, and we all laughed like lunatics at the desk.

    People spend way too much time on the internet reading about "birth trauma" and stuff, and assume that we are out to force our will on them, when usually the opposite is true. I want my patients to have a good experience, and I want to make them happy, within reason. Now, I cannot see to it that they have a laprascopic c-section (as I've had requested once), but if they want to be up and out of the bed pre-epidural, I'll do my best to accomodate. If they want to wear their own clothes? Fine, I'm not the one that has to wash the blood and meconium out of them.
  6. 2
    My personal favorites are the ones that come in with detailed birth plans that they haven't even shown to the provider, let alone discussed any of their desires. The plop this novel down in front of me because "my doctor will do what I want, but I know you nurses will make me do XYZ and I wanna make sure you don't do anything I don't want" Um... yeah, hiney between me and the doctor, I am far more likely to support your wishes. I'm a doula and I am all for natural birth, but coming in with a bad attitude just ****** me off. It's not really wise to **** off the chick that decides what size needles and catheters to use on you. lol jk...sort of.
    I did have one lady that stated that she would rather that her and the baby die then have a c-section. Of course she needed one and that was a giant mess
  7. 11
    We have a saying in our unit that if someone comes in with a four-page birth plan, things aren't going to go as expected, a five-page birth plan and the baby will code, a six-page birth plan and that baby isn't leaving the hospital alive, and a seven-page birth plans means the mom won't be leaving alive either. Kind of a dramatic saying, but it unfortunately usually seems to work out that way.

    As for the craziest birth plan I've ever seen, I had a patient request that images of rainbows be hung all over the labor room so she could visualize herself transcending through the different color levels when she was experiencing pain. She also asked that the nurse massage her clitoris during her contractions. Said nurse's response was, understandably, "(expletive) no! There is no way I'm going to sit in there and rub that woman's (expletive)!" Needless to say, that was a pretty hysterical day.
  8. 0
    I had one "super crunchy" couple that wanted no meds for baby, no vaccines, no formula, etc. They refused the Vitamin K shot (as is their right, and I don't generally have a problem with that) but then they wanted their infant son to have a routine circumcision. First of all, that seems so counter to what most "crunchy" couples want. And secondly, no vitamin K, no RIC! Sorry, you want your infant to bleed out? They did capitulate on the Vitamin K shot after we explained that our policy was that the peds would not do RIC unless the infant had had a Vitamin K shot.
  9. 0
    I've had instances that patients come in with lengthy birth plans, I go over them with the couple to see which are applicable and not as well as emphasizing that as long as the baby is breathing and transitioning well to extrauterine life, I'm more open to skin to skin contact as well as breastfeeding immediately after birth. Setting priorities and limits are possible and so far I've not encountered any problem with this. Unfortunately, only 1 out of 10 that had their birthing plan actually happen, the others ended up being sections due to non-reassuring tracings, arrest of labor, failure to progress and patients actually requesting it due to not tolerating labor itself.
  10. 1
    We had a lady who wrote on her birth plan that when she gets anxious (and she will), her husband and ONLY her husband, should pour cold water on her.

    We had a patient last week take home her placenta in a cooler. Which was awesome going into her room and knowing the placenta was sitting on the table in the cooler. Snacks, anyone?

    Birth plans are fine if they're realistic. Most birth plans I've seen are what we'd be doing anyway. It's when they get a little crazy and "out there" that things turn for them and their hospital experience because they are so unrealistic. There should be two things on a birth plan; 1) Deliver a healthy baby safely and 2) Be as flexible as possible. Welcome to parenthood.

    They're fun to read though
    summeroflov likes this.


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