I'm so sorry to keep posting about the loss of my twins, but I really have no one else to tell this to....my mother would probably mortally injure the man if she knew how he's been talking to me....so I post here. I promise to leave you all alone, I just really need to yell and cry right now to someone, and I'm so glad you are all here.
My EX...the twins father, who became my ex the night I lost the babies....just called. As I stated in my prior post I was 17 weeks pregnant with the twins when I lost them this past Wednesday on 6/9/04.
HE made the decision to blame me for the miscarriage and to LEAVE me that night. I tried to give him comfort but he thought, and still thinks, he's the only one who's lost and hurting.
NOW the jerk is saying HE'S lost a lot more than me. He actually said those very words to my just minutes ago. "I've lost a lot more than you have Kim."
He has absolutely NO compassion or understanding for what I've been through. Does he honestly think I WANTED to lose our babies? I had absolutely NO control over this....just EXACTLY the same way I had NO control over the accident that almost took my sons lives. I did everything as right as I possibly could with this pregnancy. I actually lived healthier with this pregnancy than I did with my boys....I ate right, took my vitamins, rested when possible, stopped smoking...left my home care case with my 12 yr old pt d/t not being allowed to lift over 25lbs....I did what I could damn it. I feel guilty enough, I REFUSE to allow him to make me feel worse.
I WANTED THESE BABIES....not at first admittedly...I was scared, how were we going to take care of these babies?..... but by 17 weeks I was getting excited. Everytime I saw their little hearts beating on the ultrasound it made me fall in love with them. They were REAL and they were going to really be here in a few months, and I knew we would find a way to make this okay. BIG adjustment yes, but I just knew it would be okay.
Then they were taken for reasons only God knows.....yes, I think I hurt just as badly as he does. I KNOW he hurts, and God knows I feel for him, but why is he being so nasty to me?? I know some men deal in different ways, but this is just plain cruel.
Losing these babies has triggered lots of the old feelings from the time of the drowning. I was finally getting better. Heck, I even let Zach go fishing, TO A POND, with his cousin and uncle......WITHOUT my being there! I was doing so much better with the PTSD symptoms, now they're back...not as severe or exactly the same as before, but they're back. The feelings of total loss of any type of control over the fate of your children or your own life, some flashbacks...thank God I don't remember much of the actual miscarriage...birth...whatever word they want to use for it, the obsessing over the loss, the jumpiness, hyperprotection of my boys, unable to sleep (haven't been to bed or even laid my head down since I got up out of bed at 7:30am on Sat, and tonight's not looking too good for sleeping either...I can't believe I'm working on 48 hrs...) and when I did sleep there were the terrible nightmares.....yes, all those horrible feelings, and then some, are back.
Do you think he "gets" it or even WANTS to understand???? Heck no. How did I ever let myself get this involved with such a self absorbed man? Jake and Zach's father and I had lots of problems after Jacob's brain injury which eventually led to our divorce, but he was NEVER so cruel or insensitive.
I am taking a leave of absence from my job till my new meds kick in because guess what patients I was assigned to just before my miscarriage???? TWINS...born at 26 wks with multiple problems. I can not take care of those precious little angels right now.
I need to get back on my meds and give them a chance to kick in, and then I'm going back to my original case. She's in the hospital right now for surgery and will be until the first of July.
My boys hurt, my mother hurts, his parents hurt, our sisters hurt......why does he think it's all about him? Why does he think it's so much worse for him?? It's hard for all of us....I carried those little angels for 17 weeks, doing my best by them...talking to them every night..taking extra care of my health.....everything the books and doctor said to do, and I never even got to feel them move inside me. Does he really think I don't hurt???? I was never even told their sex. I will be told at my check-up if I want to know.....not quite sure about that yet. I definitely wasn't able to hear it on the day of the loss.
Just needed to vent here guys. I could not believe my ears when the man who claims to love me said that....I hung up on him and will not answer his calls again. I won't allow him to do this to me. I just can't believe he would want to hurt me like this. What could he possibly think I did to these babies to lose them?? Why does he blame me so for it. The only big risk factor I had no control over was my age and he knew I was older before he ever got involved with me.....It's not my fault I'm 36, it is my fault we used a faulty condom...and it's my fault for believing such a man is capable of love.
Thanks for allowing me to yell and cry. And thanks so much for the kind thoughts and prayers, they really do help. I promise I'll try not to post so many negative posts. I know I will get better, and I know my boys will get over this, and we will most definitely be doing it without him.