I can't believe I let this man hurt me like this

  1. I'm so sorry to keep posting about the loss of my twins, but I really have no one else to tell this to....my mother would probably mortally injure the man if she knew how he's been talking to me....so I post here. I promise to leave you all alone, I just really need to yell and cry right now to someone, and I'm so glad you are all here.

    My EX...the twins father, who became my ex the night I lost the babies....just called. As I stated in my prior post I was 17 weeks pregnant with the twins when I lost them this past Wednesday on 6/9/04.

    HE made the decision to blame me for the miscarriage and to LEAVE me that night. I tried to give him comfort but he thought, and still thinks, he's the only one who's lost and hurting.

    NOW the jerk is saying HE'S lost a lot more than me. He actually said those very words to my just minutes ago. "I've lost a lot more than you have Kim."

    EXCUSE ME????????

    He has absolutely NO compassion or understanding for what I've been through. Does he honestly think I WANTED to lose our babies? I had absolutely NO control over this....just EXACTLY the same way I had NO control over the accident that almost took my sons lives. I did everything as right as I possibly could with this pregnancy. I actually lived healthier with this pregnancy than I did with my boys....I ate right, took my vitamins, rested when possible, stopped smoking...left my home care case with my 12 yr old pt d/t not being allowed to lift over 25lbs....I did what I could damn it. I feel guilty enough, I REFUSE to allow him to make me feel worse.

    I WANTED THESE BABIES....not at first admittedly...I was scared, how were we going to take care of these babies?..... but by 17 weeks I was getting excited. Everytime I saw their little hearts beating on the ultrasound it made me fall in love with them. They were REAL and they were going to really be here in a few months, and I knew we would find a way to make this okay. BIG adjustment yes, but I just knew it would be okay.

    Then they were taken for reasons only God knows.....yes, I think I hurt just as badly as he does. I KNOW he hurts, and God knows I feel for him, but why is he being so nasty to me?? I know some men deal in different ways, but this is just plain cruel.

    Losing these babies has triggered lots of the old feelings from the time of the drowning. I was finally getting better. Heck, I even let Zach go fishing, TO A POND, with his cousin and uncle......WITHOUT my being there! I was doing so much better with the PTSD symptoms, now they're back...not as severe or exactly the same as before, but they're back. The feelings of total loss of any type of control over the fate of your children or your own life, some flashbacks...thank God I don't remember much of the actual miscarriage...birth...whatever word they want to use for it, the obsessing over the loss, the jumpiness, hyperprotection of my boys, unable to sleep (haven't been to bed or even laid my head down since I got up out of bed at 7:30am on Sat, and tonight's not looking too good for sleeping either...I can't believe I'm working on 48 hrs...) and when I did sleep there were the terrible nightmares.....yes, all those horrible feelings, and then some, are back.

    Do you think he "gets" it or even WANTS to understand???? Heck no. How did I ever let myself get this involved with such a self absorbed man? Jake and Zach's father and I had lots of problems after Jacob's brain injury which eventually led to our divorce, but he was NEVER so cruel or insensitive.

    I am taking a leave of absence from my job till my new meds kick in because guess what patients I was assigned to just before my miscarriage???? TWINS...born at 26 wks with multiple problems. I can not take care of those precious little angels right now.
    I need to get back on my meds and give them a chance to kick in, and then I'm going back to my original case. She's in the hospital right now for surgery and will be until the first of July.

    My boys hurt, my mother hurts, his parents hurt, our sisters hurt......why does he think it's all about him? Why does he think it's so much worse for him?? It's hard for all of us....I carried those little angels for 17 weeks, doing my best by them...talking to them every night..taking extra care of my health.....everything the books and doctor said to do, and I never even got to feel them move inside me. Does he really think I don't hurt???? I was never even told their sex. I will be told at my check-up if I want to know.....not quite sure about that yet. I definitely wasn't able to hear it on the day of the loss.

    Just needed to vent here guys. I could not believe my ears when the man who claims to love me said that....I hung up on him and will not answer his calls again. I won't allow him to do this to me. I just can't believe he would want to hurt me like this. What could he possibly think I did to these babies to lose them?? Why does he blame me so for it. The only big risk factor I had no control over was my age and he knew I was older before he ever got involved with me.....It's not my fault I'm 36, it is my fault we used a faulty condom...and it's my fault for believing such a man is capable of love.

    Thanks for allowing me to yell and cry. And thanks so much for the kind thoughts and prayers, they really do help. I promise I'll try not to post so many negative posts. I know I will get better, and I know my boys will get over this, and we will most definitely be doing it without him.
    Kim
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  2. 16 Comments

  3. by   Hellllllo Nurse
    Kim,
    I a very sorry for what you've been through. I truly hope you are strong enough to go on without him. A man like you describe can only make your life worse, not better.
    All the best to you.
    (((((((((((hug))))))))))))
  4. by   chris_at_lucas_RN
    Dear Kim, in losing your twins, you have gained an opportunity to make some changes so this situation doesn't repeat itself, at least for you!

    Get some counseling, immediately, so that you can make better choices in the future. Remember that "you deserve every effort you make on your own behalf." Those who love you and whom you love will also benefit from the efforts you make, helping yourself.

    There really are males out there who are healthy, stable adults. (This fellow doesn't sound at all like a member of that club!) You deserve better than you chose.....

    God bless you--and good luck.
  5. by   OHmom2boys
    thanks guys.

    I'm definitely strong enough to go on without him. I had actually called off the relationship right before I learned I was pregnant. Then I just felt trapped. I like to think of myself as a more independent and intelligent woman than to feel that way and more responsible than to have let myself accidentally get pregnant at my age. But unfortunately I felt all those things and I allowed myself to get pregnant...teach me to think I'm some smart *ss won't it??
    The fact that I wanted the relationship over even before I found out I was pregnant confuses me as to why I would allow his words to hurt me so.

    I really and honestly do have an appt with my psych from the days when my boys nearly drowned. I stopped the Wellbutrin and Klonipin about 6 months before I became pregnant because I was doing so well. I do believe I'll be okay once I get these very NORMAL and expected feelings under control.

    I do NOT, and have NEVER needed a male to make me okay. I do have it in me to make myself okay, with a little help from my doc of course. Right now is just pretty tough because it's so new and he's being so cruel. As long as I have my boys and the knowledge that I did everything I could for these babies I WILL be okay. And so will my boys.

    As much as I loved these babies, I am in a situation where I feel so torn and confused. On one hand I wanted them so badly, but on the other I was scared to death for them. What kind of life would they have had? I would have done my best, but I see now that I would have been alone in it. I don't think these innocent little angels deserved the life they were destined to have. I don't believe this man would have stuck with us. It would have been a very hard life for those two little babies...not to mention for my two boys and myself. I loved them and would have done my best for them, but I also believe God knows best. NO, I did NOT want to lose them. I wanted these little babies, but more importantly I wanted what's best for them and for the two boys I already have.

    My two boys have already been through so much in their short lives. One nearly died from drowning and the older nearly died trying to save him.....the youngest one still lives with a brain injury and the older one lives with the memories of watching his younger brother drown and being drug under the water himself and nearly drowned trying to save him.

    They've had more than their fair share in their short lives, and then they have to deal with this. They were both pretty devastated, but Jacob, in his brain injured reasoning said to us tonight that "the babies are in a much better place now. They are in Heaven with God instead of in mom's gross belly with all those nasty intestines." Even in tragedy and terrible sadness that child can bring a smile with his own unique reasoning and awesome personality. God how I love my boys...I'm a very lucky mommy even in spite of all that's happened with the twins, but it is going to take some time for me to get over it whether I like it or not. Especially when I'm being blamed for something that was beyond my control.
    In my mind I know this man is being irrational in blaming me, but it still hurts my heart because there is already some guilt on my part.....legitimate or not. I can't help but feel some guilt for losing the babies, and also some guilt for a tiny bit of relief for the fact God knew what was best for them by taking them. Doesn't mean I didn't want my babies...please don't think that. This confusion of feelings is what is giving me such a hard time right now aside from Mr. Insensitive.

    Think I'm actually going to try to lay down. I believe i'm getting sleepy. Finally.
    Thanks for listening and I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say. It's so hard to explain all the mixed emotions I'm feeling right now.
    Thanks again,
    Kim
  6. by   Chad_KY_SRNA
    Kim,
    You don't need that fool if he is so insensitive and self-centered. This too shall pass. In my opinion you are a loving momma to your boys and you did everything possible for your twins. My heart is breaking for you. You deserve far better. I am continuing to pray for you. I am in tears thinking about what you have been through. If you ever need anything please let me know and I will do my best to help you. (Big Hug)
    Love in Christ
    Chad
  7. by   renerian
    I understand your pain at losing a baby. I really do. I agree with previous posters on therapy. Take care of yourself.

    Hugs,

    renerian
  8. by   Energizer Bunny
    Kim....I agree with all of the previous posters. Especially the counseling part!! Really it is something that can help you to not only deal with the loss of the babies but the loss of the man too. (which in my opinion is definately the least of the losses) He IS suffering I am sure but so self absorbed right now that he is lashing out at everyone else. Maybe he feels some inner guilt about what happened....who knows? But please get yourself some help!!!! We will always be here but none of us are trained professionals able to give you the real help you need. I will continue to say prayers for you honey!!!! Good luck!
  9. by   SmilingBluEyes
    This is SUCH a complicated situation. Even though the man was definately wrong to blame you and treat you this way, this is a possible manifestation of his own grief. People sometimes say awful and hurtful things when they are grieving. It's a whole batch of emotions that many have NO idea how to handle and sometimes things are said we all regret later.

    Now, I am NOT attempting to excuse him, just shed light on the situation. Both of you are raw with emotion and pain, pain I am familiar with. My husband and I have had to have counseling in the wake of our multiple losses this past two years and we are a stable couple of almost 18 years' duration! It takes a horrendous toll on everyone involved and people often behave horribly when these things happen. I agree with the advice above to seek counseling. You NEED it to help you cope with all the emotions washing over you, the anger, helplessness, sadness, intense grief. All you can change is YOU and YOUR perceptions and how you cope. This would include how you handle your ex and what he says/does. Please understand this is all so fresh and emotions are very, very raw right now for all included. I remember very little making sense and not being able to cope with the littlest problems in the first couple months after my last loss in January. I am still taking it day by day today. I am so sorry. My best advice is seek counseling ASAP and be extra-kind to yourself at this time.(((((((((((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))))))
  10. by   txspadequeenRN
    Oh honey Im so sorry you lost your babies...((((((HUGS)))))) . I lost one too and I know the empyness that can be felt. Realize that sometimes these things happen with no explaination. This man, get rid of him sounds like a selfish p.r.i.c.k. Good luck and please take care of yourself.






    Quote from OHmom2boys
    I'm so sorry to keep posting about the loss of my twins, but I really have no one else to tell this to....my mother would probably mortally injure the man if she knew how he's been talking to me....so I post here. I promise to leave you all alone, I just really need to yell and cry right now to someone, and I'm so glad you are all here.

    My EX...the twins father, who became my ex the night I lost the babies....just called. As I stated in my prior post I was 17 weeks pregnant with the twins when I lost them this past Wednesday on 6/9/04.

    HE made the decision to blame me for the miscarriage and to LEAVE me that night. I tried to give him comfort but he thought, and still thinks, he's the only one who's lost and hurting.

    NOW the jerk is saying HE'S lost a lot more than me. He actually said those very words to my just minutes ago. "I've lost a lot more than you have Kim."

    EXCUSE ME????????

    He has absolutely NO compassion or understanding for what I've been through. Does he honestly think I WANTED to lose our babies? I had absolutely NO control over this....just EXACTLY the same way I had NO control over the accident that almost took my sons lives. I did everything as right as I possibly could with this pregnancy. I actually lived healthier with this pregnancy than I did with my boys....I ate right, took my vitamins, rested when possible, stopped smoking...left my home care case with my 12 yr old pt d/t not being allowed to lift over 25lbs....I did what I could damn it. I feel guilty enough, I REFUSE to allow him to make me feel worse.

    I WANTED THESE BABIES....not at first admittedly...I was scared, how were we going to take care of these babies?..... but by 17 weeks I was getting excited. Everytime I saw their little hearts beating on the ultrasound it made me fall in love with them. They were REAL and they were going to really be here in a few months, and I knew we would find a way to make this okay. BIG adjustment yes, but I just knew it would be okay.

    Then they were taken for reasons only God knows.....yes, I think I hurt just as badly as he does. I KNOW he hurts, and God knows I feel for him, but why is he being so nasty to me?? I know some men deal in different ways, but this is just plain cruel.

    Losing these babies has triggered lots of the old feelings from the time of the drowning. I was finally getting better. Heck, I even let Zach go fishing, TO A POND, with his cousin and uncle......WITHOUT my being there! I was doing so much better with the PTSD symptoms, now they're back...not as severe or exactly the same as before, but they're back. The feelings of total loss of any type of control over the fate of your children or your own life, some flashbacks...thank God I don't remember much of the actual miscarriage...birth...whatever word they want to use for it, the obsessing over the loss, the jumpiness, hyperprotection of my boys, unable to sleep (haven't been to bed or even laid my head down since I got up out of bed at 7:30am on Sat, and tonight's not looking too good for sleeping either...I can't believe I'm working on 48 hrs...) and when I did sleep there were the terrible nightmares.....yes, all those horrible feelings, and then some, are back.

    Do you think he "gets" it or even WANTS to understand???? Heck no. How did I ever let myself get this involved with such a self absorbed man? Jake and Zach's father and I had lots of problems after Jacob's brain injury which eventually led to our divorce, but he was NEVER so cruel or insensitive.

    I am taking a leave of absence from my job till my new meds kick in because guess what patients I was assigned to just before my miscarriage???? TWINS...born at 26 wks with multiple problems. I can not take care of those precious little angels right now.
    I need to get back on my meds and give them a chance to kick in, and then I'm going back to my original case. She's in the hospital right now for surgery and will be until the first of July.

    My boys hurt, my mother hurts, his parents hurt, our sisters hurt......why does he think it's all about him? Why does he think it's so much worse for him?? It's hard for all of us....I carried those little angels for 17 weeks, doing my best by them...talking to them every night..taking extra care of my health.....everything the books and doctor said to do, and I never even got to feel them move inside me. Does he really think I don't hurt???? I was never even told their sex. I will be told at my check-up if I want to know.....not quite sure about that yet. I definitely wasn't able to hear it on the day of the loss.

    Just needed to vent here guys. I could not believe my ears when the man who claims to love me said that....I hung up on him and will not answer his calls again. I won't allow him to do this to me. I just can't believe he would want to hurt me like this. What could he possibly think I did to these babies to lose them?? Why does he blame me so for it. The only big risk factor I had no control over was my age and he knew I was older before he ever got involved with me.....It's not my fault I'm 36, it is my fault we used a faulty condom...and it's my fault for believing such a man is capable of love.

    Thanks for allowing me to yell and cry. And thanks so much for the kind thoughts and prayers, they really do help. I promise I'll try not to post so many negative posts. I know I will get better, and I know my boys will get over this, and we will most definitely be doing it without him.
    Kim
  11. by   Godswill
    Quote from SmilingBluEyes
    This is SUCH a complicated situation. Even though the man was definately wrong to blame you and treat you this way, this is a possible manifestation of his own grief. People sometimes say awful and hurtful things when they are grieving. It's a whole batch of emotions that many have NO idea how to handle and sometimes things are said we all regret later.

    Now, I am NOT attempting to excuse him, just shed light on the situation. Both of you are raw with emotion and pain, pain I am familiar with. My husband and I have had to have counseling in the wake of our multiple losses this past two years and we are a stable couple of almost 18 years' duration! It takes a horrendous toll on everyone involved and people often behave horribly when these things happen. I agree with the advice above to seek counseling. You NEED it to help you cope with all the emotions washing over you, the anger, helplessness, sadness, intense grief. All you can change is YOU and YOUR perceptions and how you cope. This would include how you handle your ex and what he says/does. Please understand this is all so fresh and emotions are very, very raw right now for all included. I remember very little making sense and not being able to cope with the littlest problems in the first couple months after my last loss in January. I am still taking it day by day today. I am so sorry. My best advice is seek counseling ASAP and be extra-kind to yourself at this time.(((((((((((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))))))
    I have to agree with Deb being a mother who had a stillborn at 8 months, my situation was a little differnt because my son died in me, then i was force to carry him demise in me for a month until i go into natural labor because of risk of uterine rupture. so i feel what u are feeling, and for a while i did not realize my hubby was hurting just as much as me, granted he was not cruel or said ugly thing, but he dealt with his grieve by not talking or this need to take care of me and keep asking me if i was ok, i realize it was his way of not focusing on his pain. and i think though your EX was cruel in his way, it was his way of venting. I wish u the best this is a painful thing, u are in my prayers
  12. by   BadBird
    Vent away sweetie, no one can understand the pain of losing a child unless you have had that unfortunate experience. As for your ex, it may have been the excuse he was looking for to get out of the relationship, count your blessings that you see what he is really like. Take all the time for yourself that you need and don't make excuses for him, you need to think about you now.
  13. by   Audreyfay
    You are in my prayers. May you heal. I wish I could be there to give you a hug. :kiss
  14. by   KaroSnowQueen
    I am so sorry for the loss of your little babies. I do encourage you to get counselling. My son and his fiancee lost a baby at 18 weeks, and that has been a year and a half ago, and they are just NOW beginning to feel halfway normal and able to cope with life. She never would go for counselling, and he went once, then didn't go again until this recent spring.
    I know your babies are waiting for you in Heaven, but please, take care of yourself, and stay away from that man!!!!
    (((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))

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