17 week gestation

In the state of Alabama, (I don't know about other places) this would be considered a miscarriage. Many parents do see and hold their babies after delivery. Others don't, its just a matter of personal preference. Parents are encourage to hold, name, dress their babies. This can help the grief process. They certainly aren't forced to do so however. In Alabama, you do not have to bury the child before 20 weeks gestation. Parents may certainly choose to do so, however it is not required. The alternative is disposal by the hospital laboratory. At my hospital we take pictures for the parents if they desire, we also like to do footprints or handprints if possible. The mother may choose to be cared for in a postpartum room, or on our med/surg floor after delivery. Most choose med/surg. I'm very sorry for your friend's loss. I hope my reply does not sound uncaring, I just wanted to provide you with the information you requested.

If your hospital has a L&D unit, stop in and inquire about bereavement services. The staff there can point you in the right direction. We have printed material that is geared toward family and friends who aren't sure of 'the right things' to say or do (I'm off for 4 days otherwise I'd arrange to get it to you).

There are a lot of web resources as well. A google search should net you the info you seek. I'd name some sites but I'm fried from a 14-hour day.

Many parents who experience perinatal loss remark that family and friends do not acknowledge their loss (often for fear of upsetting them or saying the 'wrong thing'). Even at 17 weeks, this is their child, their baby, not just a fetus. Above all, let your friends know you are there for them, as much or as little as needed.

I'm so sorry your friends are experiencing this. My thoughts are with them.

my friend lost a baby at 17 weeks and it was very hard. hopefully they have a good bereavement program and they made a memory album for them. some parents choose to hold their baby, others don't. my friend didn't and then wished she had later, but she was thankful for the memory book they made for her.

here are some websites for you.

http://www.miscarriageassociation.or...ts/someone.htm
http://www.pbso.ca/
http://www.kotapress.com/
http://www.shareatlanta.org/
http://www.misschildren.org/
http://www.hygeia.org/
http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/
http://www.bereavedfamilies.net/
http://www.aplacetoremember.com/
http://www.centering.org/
http://www.handonline.org/

i think the fact that you want to be sensitive and are searching out how is great. she is lucky to have a friend like you.

here is what an online friend wrote about what to do and not do...

Do
· Call the baby by name (if it was named) - this validates the parents and the love that they have for their child.
· Send a card, flowers or a note of support
· Call the couple and ask how they’re feeling
· Bring up the baby – you won’t cause them to be sad, they’re already sad and need to talk about it.

Don’t
· Say they have an angel in heaven – many parents wanted that angel here on earth
· Say it was ‘God’s will’. Even if the person is deeply spiritual, this can leave them feeling angry or questioning.
· Tell them the can just have another or at least they can get pregnant – comments like this really hurt! Even if they do have another baby, they wanted THIS baby and have the right to be sad and mourn the loss.

Excellent advice. Recently had this happen to a due date buddy on another board I go to, only she was 19wks.
I believe anything prior to 20 weeks is considered a miscarriage. -Andrea

Breastfeeding RN, BRAVO! What a wonderful post.

These folks need bereavement counseling and a lot of caring/compassionate nursing/medical care.

Be careful of terminology---miscarriage or abortion---it's a horrendous loss. I would refer to it as that. And DO NOT BACK AWAY FROM asking about things, their loss, referring to this as their baby. They lost a child, a dream, a perception of their future there. It's just huge. Just be there all you can.

I can't tell you how sorry I am to read this sad, sad news. I feel so horribly for that family.

I have some good books to recommend, if/when the grieving parents are ready. They helped me thru multiple 1st and 2nd trimester losses. BreastfeedingRN provided you some amazing sources...I think I may just "sticky" them.

A 17 weeker is a baby. A baby that you can tell the gender of. A baby that you can touch feel and hold. I have delivered a couple of 'miscarriages' of this gestation and it is heartbreaking. With one I was able to get some good hand and foot prints. The other had been gone a few days and the skin was too far gone to do that.

At our hospital the weight determines whether or not the remains need to be buried--not the GA. I am in California. I have a friend who had a 22 week miscarriage and her main complaint is that everyone in her family just ignored the whole thing--like it never happened or wasn't a big deal. I still speak with her about it a few years later and use his name and we talk about him.

Thanks for being a good friend. Good Luck.

My grandson was born at 17 weeks. He had a name and a funeral. In most places the parents are given the choice to do just that, or to let the hospital cremate it.
Our hospital did photos and everything. This is such a heart rending experience. I hope only the best for your friends in the weeks ahead.