Quote from shamus
thanks for the reply. I though about what you said but can't really agree. They want to know what led me to being interested in nursing. I felt I had to tell them why. I am not sure what you meant about conviction.
You say things like "I believe" and "at the moment", "I would imagine". These are weak phrases. Say what you MEAN. Say "nursing is" and "I want". HOW you got here - there's just too many words there. A play-by-play isn't what they need. You should sum that WHOLE paragraph up in about four to seven sentences. This is not meant to be harsh, but it's irrelevant that you went back to the restaurant business - clean this paragraph up and make it more powerful.
Think of this as a resume. Make it as brief as possible, while answering all the questions they've posed to you as thoroughly as you can. UM is going to read about two hundred of these things - MAKE YOURS POP.
Don't say you may have thought nursing was a female profession. I would never say that, nor would I put it in an essay if I were male. There's a chance your essay may be given to an independent committee for review, and you don't want them to know what sex you are (just as I would be careful about writing an essay that revealed how old you are, unless it's essential to the core of the essay).
"One needs to be". Weak statement. "Nurses are" sounds better - and then tie in that you know you possess these qualities that you feel are essential to being a good nurse.
When is your essay due? I've worked as a TA and am itching to red pen this thing. :typing