Advice/critique for a scholarship essay!

[SubSippi]

Hi y'all, long-time lurker, first time poster! This is such a great site, I was hoping that some of y'all could take a look at the essay I wrote for a nursing scholarship, and give me some advice. Although I mean every word of it, I'm worried it sounds a little too over the top. But then again, I've never written something like that so I'm not sure what is best. Here are the instructions for the essay:

Write a brief essay (200 - 500 words) on your goals and aspirations as they relate to your education, career, and future plans. Explain why you are a qualified candidate and should be considered for the scholarship.

The process of becoming a nurse has been the toughest and most rewarding experience I have had in my life so far. When I am finally able to write RN behind my name, I will not regard those letters as merely a title, but as a promise to each of my future patients that they are in caring, capable hands. This conviction is the cause of my determination to go a step further than what is expected in every aspect of my education. When I go to the hospital to select my patient for a clinical day, I always ask the nurses to assign me to the sickest person on the floor. I make sure to learn about the cultural backgrounds of my patients, if it is one I am not familiar with. In school, I review each of my tests with my teachers, even when the grade I've earned is well above passing, and never turn in an assignment I am not proud of.

Learning how to be responsible for a person's life is no simple task, but is one I take on with pride and excitement every day. Although I am open to many different career choices, I was immediately drawn to caring for the most critically ill patients in the hospital. My immediate career goal is to work in an ICU or emergency care soon after graduation. I have definite plans to further my education in the future, but I know that I have so much more to learn about being a nurse before I can make any definite statements about wanting a particular degree. Whatever job I may have, my eternal goal is to be a person that both my patients and their families trust and respect, to be their advocate, and to be able to make the best decisions in regards to patient care.

I would greatly appreciate being considered for this scholarship. If I am presented with this award, it will contribute to educating a person who has made a commitment to excel and provide superior patient care. Because of my positive attitude, hard work, and love for nursing, I am a person that your organization could be proud to claim as a scholarship recipient.

I'm at 370 words, so I can add/take out a little if necessary. Thanks in advance!

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Jessie

[SubSippi]

There has to be grammar errors or something!! I know y'all are busy but any teeny suggestion helps! :)

[MoniqueS]

Many months have gone by, but I wanted to still give my opinion about this essay. Great job! I think there are too many adjectives. You are a good writer but sometimes shorter is better. Shorter sentences get to the point and have more impact on people.

For example: I have definite plans to further my education in the future, but I know that I have so much more to learn about being a nurse before I can make any definite statements about wanting a particular degree." This sentence uses definite twice and too many words to say a simple statement.