Please correct my grammar

  1. 0
    Hi all! Please critique my letter of introduction "this is not a cover page" and in this letter of introduction the company wants 6 specific questions answered.

    Feel free to give your opinion although feelings are subjective and what I am really worried about and requesting is grammar help. Comma's, semicolons and run on sentences scare the heck out of me!

    Dear Hiring Manager

    I am interested in the nurse residency program because I know it will prepare me to be the best nurse possible for the patients and families I care for as well as the colleagues I will work beside, by the process of proper and safe transition from student to registered nurse. I see this program as a challenging experience that will require the utmost effort and attention from me, but in turn, will yield the most professional and precise outcome through rigorous training and high standards. I am interested in critical care, but not just any critical care, the best; this was proven true when three intensive care units at XXXX were awarded the beacon award. I am eager to transition from a new graduate to a contributing competent RN, and to be able to do this at one of the top magnet hospitals in the country would be an honor.

    I chose nursing because I want to make a positive difference in the lives of people I meet. I had the pleasure of being introduced to the nursing field under the unfortunate circumstances of my grandmothers declining health. Her nurses not only helped ease her pain, but they helped me through a very rough time in my life that I will never forget; a feeling that I want to be able to give to other patients and families alike.

    I completed 120 hours of focused patient care in the Neurology ICU at XXXXXX where I had the pleasure of taking care of an individual that was unconscious due to a traumatic brain injury. After scrupulous assessment I noticed that his right forearm showed initial signs and symptoms of an upper extremity DVT. I reported to the rounding physician the issue. After a Doppler was ordered an upper extremity DVT was diagnosed and treatment was initiated. On this same patient I also recognized a staff nurse using a pill crusher on an extended release tablet to be put through his NG tube; once questioned, the nurse was immediately thankful I saw the mistake and requested an order that could be crushed.

    In a field where change and progression are essential to best practice, higher education is not an option for me, it is a necessity. I have all intentions to gain confidence, and proficient skills at the bedside to build a safe and professional nursing base and return to school to continue my education to broaden my scope and further expand my responsibility to the public. I am interested in the Certified Registered Nurse Anesthesia program. I have also researched the Nurse Practitioner degrees as well.

    I am a terrific hire because I am a fresh, moldable mind that thrives in a team based work environment. I pride myself on being a meticulous individual who always puts his patients safety, health and happiness above all else. I am an enthusiastic person who will always advocate for my patientís best interest.

    I am an exceptional candidate because I do not settle. There is always something higher to achieve. I openly accept hard work and challenges, knowing I will become a better nurse because of them and I would be unsatisfied with anything short of excellence. I am comfortable and competent in culturally diverse settings. I am a highly motivated individual with unsurpassed work ethic, that given the chance, would love to be part of the reason XXXX continues to acquire honors and accolades.

    Sincerely,
    Last edit by Doindia on Feb 22
  2. 6 Comments so far...

  3. 0
    Your passion comes across in the letter, Doindia. The letter does strike me as a little too long to hold my attention. It's hard to give feedback about that without knowing about the six questions though.

    Some of the language comes across as overly flowery to me. I prefer sticking more closely to the objective facts. Stories and other nonverifiable information are usually best left to the interview. There are sentences (like the opening one - more than three lines on my screen) that seem too long. There should be an apostrophe in grandmothers. I would start a new sentence instead of using a semicolon in that paragraph - right now it's a fragment after the semicolon.

    Regarding your specific concern of grammar and punctuation, I don't see major grammar problems. There should be a comma after Manager in the opening. Nurse Residency Program should be capitalized if it's the actual name of the program; same thing for Beacon Award later. Comma between contributing and competent, but it might be better to take out one of those words.

    Next paragraph: "I reported the issue to the physician." Comma after ordered. Change "order that could be crushed" to "order that allowed the medication to be crushed." Next paragraph: no comma after confidence, but do break up that sentence. Change Anesthesia to Anesthetist. Next paragraph: Hyphen in team-based. Apostrophe in patients. I would take out "given the chance" - it sounds a little weak and complicates the grammar.

    Good luck to you. Let me know if I can help further.
  4. 0
    Dear DoIndia,
    I think that you have written a great introductory letter which hardly needs any amendment. However, I'd eliminate the word "positive" in the sentence, "I chose nursing because I want to make a positive difference in the lives of people I meet". It is tacit that the difference you want to make is 'positive'.
    Just as a sidebar, I want say that a prospective employer found my comment in my introductory letter impressive which was as follows:
    No one can tell me that sky is the limit when there are footprints on the Moon.
  5. 0
    Eric, thank you so much for the time you took. I will make these changes and I ever caught a few more after your recommendations.

    Personally I agree about the length. It is Exactly 1.25 pages. I wanted to get it all on one page initially, but I have heard where others did not so I decided to email the point of contact. Her response was: "There is no specified format or length. My one piece of advice is to remember it is a letter of introduction and not a term paper. Thanks!"

    Im not sure what aspect of "term paper" she was referring to, but i took it as "there's no certain length, but don't send us a 3 or more pages of stuff that is not pertinent to the questions" Tell me what you think about all this. Again thanks for your time.
  6. 0
    And Vish: I really appreciate that! Good catch on the positive comment. Sometimes you get carried away trying to embody yourself as the greatest thing in the world to employers and excessive or implied things sneak their way in there!
  7. 0
    Ok everyone I have already made the majority of all the changes suggested. I am running late for work so I did not proof read to make sure it flows (you know sometimes when you edit in the middle of a paragraph, it can alter the flow) anyway here is the revised section. Tell me what yall think!

    Dear Hiring Manager,

    I am interested in the Nurse Residency Program because I know it will prepare me to be the best nurse possible for the patients and families I care for as well as the colleagues I will work beside. This program will provide a proper and safe transition from student to registered nurse, which I feel in essential for success. I see this program as a challenging experience that will require the utmost effort and attention from me, but in turn, will yield the most professional and precise outcome through rigorous training and high standards. I am interested in critical care, but not just any critical care, the best; this was proven true when three intensive care units at XXXX were awarded the Beacon Award. I am eager to transition from a new graduate to a competent RN, and to be able to do this at one of the top magnet hospitals in the country would be an honor.

    I chose nursing because I want to make a positive difference in the lives of people I meet. I had the pleasure of being introduced to the nursing field under the unfortunate circumstances of my grandmother’s declining health. Her nurses not only helped ease her pain, but they helped me through a very rough time in my life that I will never forget. It was a feeling that I want to be able to give to other patients and families alike.

    I completed 120 hours of focused patient care in the Neurology ICU at XXXX where I had the pleasure of taking care of an individual that was unconscious due to a traumatic brain injury. After scrupulous assessment I noticed that his right forearm showed initial signs and symptoms of an upper extremity DVT. I reported the issue to the physician. After a Doppler was ordered, an upper extremity DVT was diagnosed and treatment was initiated. On this same patient I also recognized a staff nurse using a pill crusher on an extended release tablet to be put through his NG tube; once questioned, the nurse was immediately thankful I saw the mistake and I requested an order that allowed the medication to be crushed.

    In a field where change and progression are essential to best practice, higher education is not an option for me, it is a necessity. I have all intentions to gain confidence and proficient skills at the bedside. I want to build a safe and professional nursing base and return to school to continue my education, to broaden my scope and further expand my responsibility to the public. I am interested in the Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist program. I have also researched the Nurse Practitioner degrees as well.



    I am a terrific hire because I am a fresh, moldable mind that thrives in a team-based work environment. I pride myself on being a meticulous individual who always puts his patients safety, health and happiness above all else. I am an enthusiastic person who will always advocate for my patient’s best interest.

    I am an exceptional candidate because I do not settle. There is always something higher to achieve. I openly accept hard work and challenges, knowing I will become a better nurse because of them and I would be unsatisfied with anything short of excellence. I am comfortable and competent in culturally diverse settings. I am a highly motivated individual with unsurpassed work ethic that desires to be part of the reason XXXX continues to acquire honors and accolades.

    Sincerely,
  8. 0
    Dear Hiring Manager,

    I am interested in the Nurse Residency Program because I know it will prepare me to be the best nurse possible for the patients and families I care for as well as the colleagues I will work beside. This program will provide a proper and safe transition from student to registered nurse, which I feel in essential for success. I see this program as a challenging experience that will require the utmost effort and attention, but in turn will mold me as a professional through rigorous training and adherence to high standards. I am interested in critical care, but not just any critical care. I want to work among the best, and I believe that XXXX’s three intensive care units were shown to be nothing less when they were awarded the Beacon Award. I am eager to transition from a new graduate to a competent RN, and to be able to do this at one of the top magnet hospitals in the country would be an honor.

    I chose nursing because I want to make a positive difference in the lives of people I meet. I was initially introduced to the nursing field due to the unfortunate reality of my grandmother’s declining health. Her nurses not only helped ease her pain, but they helped me through a very rough time in my life that I will never forget. It was a feeling that I want to be able to give to other patients and families alike.

    I completed 120 hours of focused patient care in the Neurology ICU at XXXX where I had the pleasure of taking care of an individual who was unconscious due to a traumatic brain injury. After scrupulous assessment, I noticed that his right forearm showed initial signs and symptoms of an upper extremity DVT. I reported the issue to the physician. After a Doppler was ordered, an upper extremity DVT was diagnosed and treatment was initiated. On this same patient I also recognized a staff nurse using a pill crusher on an extended release tablet to be put through his NG tube. When the matter was addressed, the nurse was immediately thankful I saw the mistake and I requested an order that allowed the medication to be crushed.

    In a field where change and progression are essential to best practice, higher education is not an option for me--it is a necessity. I intend to gain confidence and become proficient in my skills at the bedside. I want to build a safe and professional nursing base and return to school to continue my education, to broaden my scope and further expand my responsibility to the public. I am interested in the Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist program. I have also researched the Nurse Practitioner degrees.


    I am a terrific hire because I am a fresh, moldable mind that thrives in a team-based work environment. I pride myself on being a meticulous individual who always puts the safety, health and desires of his patients above all else.

    I am an exceptional candidate because I do not settle. There is always something higher to achieve. I openly accept hard work and challenges, knowing I will become a better nurse because of them and I would be unsatisfied with anything short of excellence. I am comfortable and competent in culturally diverse settings. I am a highly motivated individual with an unsurpassed work ethic who desires to be part of the reason XXXX continues to acquire honors and accolades.

    Sincerely,
    OP, as others have noted, your enthusiasm is palpable in your letter. I made a few syntax/punctuation/grammatical changes to your letter as seen in quotes above (bolded sections were added).

    Please note that if you do intend to keep the anecdote in your letter, the section in italics made me stop and wonder, "when is it ever OK to crush an XR med? They need to change it to a quick release med and THEN it can be crushed". The hiring manager may wonder the same.

    When you talk about your grandmother's health and your introduction to the field, I removed "I had the pleasure of being introduced to the nursing field" section because the concept of pleasure versus your grandmother's declining health seemed contradictory. I understand you're trying to say that her declining health ironically introduced you to your future profession, which is positive, but that is apparent in the nature of your letter and doesn't need to be specifically included in this sentence.


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