cover letter help!

  1. Hello all! I have just recently graduated with my BSN last week but I have been actively looking for jobs since March (I have been licensed since August 2014). I have had several drafts of my cover letter critiqued on here, and I recently had a friend critique it. She completely overhauled it (for the better) however, she is not in the nursing field. What do you guys think of this so far? Thanks!

    _________________________

    Dear Ms. XXXX,

    Thank you for taking this time to review my application for the Pediatric Nurse position at Random Hospital. I came across the listing on the RH careers website, and I see that you are seeking caring, knowledgeable, and hard working individuals to join the RH nursing team. I think that you will find my experience in high-volume customer service paired with my academic background has prepared me to be a useful addition to your facility healthcare team as a nurse at RH.

    I am a Registered Nurse and have recently graduated with a BSN from Town College. Through my coursework, I have gained a deep understanding of health care and proper patient care. During clinical rotations in nursing school, I found pediatrics as the most rewarding rotation and hope to immerse myself in the specialty as my career. I have worked as a customer service representative at Grocery Store for the past 7 years. During that time, I have developed a passion for excellent customer service, exceptional communication skills, efficiency, and teamwork. I have excelled in Grocery Store’s fast-paced and physically challenging work environment. This quality will be important in meeting the demands of a full-time nursing position.

    I have had the privilege of shadowing at RH on February 13, 2015. I respect and appreciate the dedication your facility has for patient safety and patient satisfaction as well as the communication exhibited during the daily safety huddle I attended. I would love to be part of the RH Health nursing team as your vision of accountability, integrity, excellence, and patient centered care are the same principles I value as a health care professional.

    Please find my resume attached for consideration for the pediatric nurse position. I can be reached at (XXX) XXX-XXXX or at HIREMEPLEASE@gmail.com at your convenience. Thank you for your consideration and I hope to hear from you soon.

    Best,

    HIRE ME PLEASE, BSN, RN
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  2. 13 Comments

  3. by   blah_blah_blah
    no one?
  4. by   Camo-angel
    I'm not sure you need to mention the grocery store position. Yes it shows you held a job for a period of years while having other commitments, but it's so separate from the nursing field. I didn't list any of my previous jobs for my cover letter, I focused on my nursing program, my education and specific skills for the unit, and my desire to continue my education and improve. Just my two cents though. Employers do seem to like seeing you want to improve and continue education
  5. by   blah_blah_blah
    Quote from Camo-angel
    I'm not sure you need to mention the grocery store position. Yes it shows you held a job for a period of years while having other commitments, but it's so separate from the nursing field. I didn't list any of my previous jobs for my cover letter, I focused on my nursing program, my education and specific skills for the unit, and my desire to continue my education and improve. Just my two cents though. Employers do seem to like seeing you want to improve and continue education
    I'll put in a bit about wanting to continue my education, that's a really good idea since I do want to maybe go for a master's and get certified in my specialty.

    I did mention the grocery store job on my resume as it is the only job that I have had (I'm only 22) but I think I will cut back on it in my cover letter.

    Do you have any suggestions on how to word that I want to further my education? I am really lousy at writing cover letters. I think it's especially hard since I am a new grad with no clinical experience.
  6. by   amoLucia
    However you address your continued goal of future graduate education, you need to be just vague enough so as not to dissuade any prospective employers from giving you a chance for employment. While continuing one's education is considerable admirable by many, some employers will view it suspiciously as they have seen new employees just up & leave when the degree is finished. And I would guess that many employers are also starting to see a new trend exodus of newbies who are leaving/switching jobs freq (voluntarily or involuntarily).

    Employers put time, money & effort in training new employees so they may be super cautious if they feel your priorities lie in education for your goal of 'bigger & better' future jobs.

    Just be careful how you approach it in your cover letter and interview.
  7. by   littlehoneybee
    There's a lot of passive voice in your in your letter. Change the passive voice to past tense to make your sentences stronger. Remove the "haves." For example, "I am a registered nurse and recently graduated..." "...I gained a deep understanding..." "I worked as a customer service rep..." "I excelled in Grocery Store's fast paced..."
  8. by   blah_blah_blah
    Quote from amoLucia
    However you address your continued goal of future graduate education, you need to be just vague enough so as not to dissuade any prospective employers from giving you a chance for employment. While continuing one's education is considerable admirable by many, some employers will view it suspiciously as they have seen new employees just up & leave when the degree is finished. And I would guess that many employers are also starting to see a new trend exodus of newbies who are leaving/switching jobs freq (voluntarily or involuntarily).

    Employers put time, money & effort in training new employees so they may be super cautious if they feel your priorities lie in education for your goal of 'bigger & better' future jobs.

    Just be careful how you approach it in your cover letter and interview.
    I didn't even think of that! Especially since I'm sure a lot of hospitals are very leery of nurses possibly trying to take advantage of employer tuition reimbursement.

    I'll just focus on my desire for certifications
  9. by   blah_blah_blah
    Quote from littlehoneybee
    There's a lot of passive voice in your in your letter. Change the passive voice to past tense to make your sentences stronger. Remove the "haves." For example, "I am a registered nurse and recently graduated..." "...I gained a deep understanding..." "I worked as a customer service rep..." "I excelled in Grocery Store's fast paced..."
    Thanks for the tip! I didn't even notice the passive voice I was using
  10. by   Nurse Beth
    It's good to use keywords, but not repeated back in a lengthy list. You must be memorable, and interesting- so they'll pick up the phone!

    Overall it needs to be parsed down, and some personality/excitement added. Be real. Skip all the lengthy superlatives and use examples.


    "I'm a new grad. I fell in love with Peds during school when I cared for a three year old with burns. I pulled her around the unit in a red wagon and her mother said it distracted her from the pain. I just seem to know how to relate to children."

    "I believe I am a perfect fit for RH because XYZ"

    Condense the Grocery Store experience to one or two sentences that translate those (succinct) skills to patient satisfaction.

    The paragraphs are too long and dense and will lose the reader's attention. 7 lines per paragraph, tops.

    At the end, close with an active call to action. Instead of "hope to hear from you"..."I will contact you early next week to arrange a time to meet"

    Good luck, I hope this helps
  11. by   blah_blah_blah
    Quote from Nurse Beth
    It's good to use keywords, but not repeated back in a lengthy list. You must be memorable, and interesting- so they'll pick up the phone!

    Overall it needs to be parsed down, and some personality/excitement added. Be real. Skip all the lengthy superlatives and use examples.


    "I'm a new grad. I fell in love with Peds during school when I cared for a three year old with burns. I pulled her around the unit in a red wagon and her mother said it distracted her from the pain. I just seem to know how to relate to children."

    "I believe I am a perfect fit for RH because XYZ"

    Condense the Grocery Store experience to one or two sentences that translate those (succinct) skills to patient satisfaction.

    The paragraphs are too long and dense and will lose the reader's attention. 7 lines per paragraph, tops.

    At the end, close with an active call to action. Instead of "hope to hear from you"..."I will contact you early next week to arrange a time to meet"

    Good luck, I hope this helps
    Thanks for your reply! is this better?

    Dear Ms. Recruiter,

    Thank you for taking this time to review my application for the Pediatric Nurse position at Random Hospital. I believe that you will find my experience in high-volume customer service paired with my academic background has prepared me to be a useful addition to Random Health as a nurse at RH.

    I am a Registered Nurse and recently graduated with a BSN from Private College. I fell in love with pediatrics while in nursing school when I helped care for a critically ill newborn in the NICU at your facility. It was wonderful to see the Random Health team work together in caring for this infant and I would love to be a part of that. I worked as a customer service representative at Grocery Store for the past 7 years. During that time, I developed a passion for excellent customer service, efficiency, and teamwork. These skills are important in meeting the demands of a full-time nursing position.

    I had the privilege of shadowing at RH on February 13, 2015. I respect the dedication your facility has for patient safety as well as the communication exhibited during the daily safety huddle I attended. I would love to be part of the Random Health nursing team as your vision of accountability, integrity, excellence, and patient centered care are the same principles I value as a health care professional.

    Please find my resume attached for consideration for the pediatric nurse position. I can be reached at (MOBILE PHONE NUMBER) or at nurse@yahoo.com at your convenience. Thank you for your consideration and I will contact you early next week to arrange a time to meet.

    Best,

    Nurse, BSN, RN
  12. by   Nurse Beth
    I think it's way better! I read it with interest and want to meet you, an engaging candidate

    Consider breaking up the second paragraph into 2 paragraphs starting with the "I worked as a grocery..." Remove the "these skills are important for..." (bc you don't need to tell them what skills are important in their employees).

    Good luck!
  13. by   ronchelednik
    Very nice but the conclusion (Nurse, BSN, RN) I have not seen that before. I have seen (RN-BSN) the level of of your degree follows the RN.
  14. by   blah_blah_blah
    Quote from ronchelednik
    Very nice but the conclusion (Nurse, BSN, RN) I have not seen that before. I have seen (RN-BSN) the level of of your degree follows the RN.
    Haha really? that's weird because I've never seen it with a hyphen before. Maybe it varies by location? I'm in the northeast part of the US

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