Your Favorite one liner used with patients - page 9

I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his... Read More

  1. by   santhony44
    I've heard providers telling little kids "Is that Mickey Mouse?" (or Barney or a bunny rabbit) to get the kid to be still for an ear exam.

    I started saying "What is that? What do I see in your ear?" then saying, "Guess what, that's an ear!"

    For some reason, four year olds find that funny.

    Whistling softly or whispering also sometimes helps- kids get still to hear what you're saying or what noise that is you're making.
  2. by   adoptionacres
    I tell my patient's that their gowns are open in back because they are
    I-C-U gowns. It takes someone pretty out of it to not giggle at that and they often end up repeating it to their families.
  3. by   mcmike55
    Working the OR pre op area, we start IV's and other things to make final preps, to the OR.
    When starting an IV, I can't tell you how many times pts say "I hate IV's".
    I usually say,,,,"Over 30 years here, I don't remember anyone saying...IV"s !!!! YESSSSS," (with a hand pump for emphasis), at least not out loud.
    And when, someone says they can't watch the IV start, I say, "that's OK, as long as one of us watches!".

    Does anyone find it funny that the pt's that often whine the loudest about IV's, are the ones with piercings or tattoos!?

    Mike
  4. by   WOLFE
    for checking blood sugars..."let's see how sweet you are" and "which finger for the donation"....when removing tele leads or tape on men "i guess no one told you , you get a free waxing"...when looking for blood or starting iv's "let's see if i am a good vampire today"...when d/c orders come through "cpngratulations you have posted bail"...and i have had a few pts tell me that i am a corpse (hands are always cold) to which i reply "could have called out dead today"
  5. by   KulRN
    I tell my post op patients (abdominal) " this is the only place where passing gas is well accepted"
  6. by   scaredofshots
    I had a patient for abd surgery and he hadn't had a BM in about a week. So when he finally did his "duty" he called the nursing station and asked for someone to dump his bed side potty. Since we were very busy this task got put last on our to do list. That is until I had the privilage of entering his room. OMG! Why am I wanting to be a nurse???!?!?!?! He says "Its about time you got in here Don't you see what I just done over there?" Thats when I said "Yea I see it what do you want me to do take a picture or something?" Then I dumped his turd and it splashed on my scrubs!!!!! What a night lol...
  7. by   nursejohio
    Quote from mcmike55
    Does anyone find it funny that the pt's that often whine the loudest about IV's, are the ones with piercings or tattoos!?

    I've got several of both, and I've had IVs a couple times. Please trust me when I say that IVs hurt worse than any of them. Piercings are over much faster, and tats don't hurt as badly. The only thing that's visible on me are my earrings, so at least I'm spared the "what are you getting nervous about/ don't tell me needles bother you" comments I've heard so many other nurses say to patients with visible jewelry or ink.
  8. by   staceylee67
    This is a kind of grumpy one.. I usually only use it about once a year when a patient (Usually a 20-something punk) is constantly arguing with me about everything that he needs to have done. It's fine with me if someone refuses, but when they talk to me like I am a complete idiot that does not know what I am talking about.. I use this one. "I've been a nurse for 15 years.. how long have you been a nurse for?" They usually stop talking in their condescending manner after that.
  9. by   JJ_angel
    The best one liner I've heard at work actually came from a patient. An elderly male patient had commented that i was a little chubby to be advising patients on eating healthily. At the slightly horrified look on my face he followed up with "Chin up love.... no not that one, the other one."
  10. by   theofficegirl
    I have a couple:

    A new patient to our clinic listed one medication: "Enfamil"
    He was a 70-something. I asked "What do you take enfamil for"? He answered, "Blood pressure".
    I guessed he meant Enalapril.

    When conducting a Dept of Transportation PE, we do an eye exam, then ask patients to recognize red, green and yellow. Then I ask "And what color means stop?" It usually gets a giggle.

    Following the eye exam, I walk them to the restroom, put their name on a specimen cup, and tell them I need a urine sample. Most freak at the prospect of a drug test (which is a totally different procedure), and as "What for", so I keep a straight face and say, "Sugar, protein, blood, pregnancy". (Most DOT physicals are male)

    When I approach a patient for an injection or blood draw, I'll say "OH! I've ALWAYS wanted to do one of these!"
  11. by   Victoriakem
    When doing a pre-op assessment, I ALWAYS ask my male patients, if they could be pregnant. Well, I say, when given a strange look, It's says right here on the form, could you be pregnant?:roll
  12. by   ahsitters
    Quote from muffie
    when an eagerly anticipated long overdue rather impressive bm is produced i tell my pts that the newspaper will be in to take their picture
    Bless your sweet little heatr. I'm sure that gets a smile!:smiletea:
  13. by   Schatzi RN CEN
    I have a co-worker that always reminds patients that are ambulatory with an IV pole to "be sure to take your date along"

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