Your Favorite one liner used with patients

me: "Sir, do you have any pain today?"
patient: "No."
me: "Would you like some?"

"No, I'm not a doctor, but I am a nurse with a doctor's order."

I am a nursing student that works part time as a unit secretary in the ICU. I was walking by a pts room one day and overheard one of our more hilarious nurses trying to cheer up a pt that had been incontinent.

"There, there, to a nurse a day without poop, is like a day without sunshine."

See you about this time next year. (As I'm discharging a new mom from our OB unit. This is only half-jokingly.)

My very favorite is when I'm discharging a kiddo that had a negative Head CT. The radiologist usually writes "normal" across it and I like to say, "Well, we think you're normal... so you can let all your friends/teachers know that they're all wrong about you!" Usually get a good chuckle out of the parents. The kid responds differently depending on age. Kids laugh, teens roll their eyes!

when postop valves and cabg's go home [they are usually 60-70-80 years old] i say see you in 25 years !

I am really close to some of my residents and try my best to keep them happy while I'm there......here are a couple of their faves..........

when going in the room to get a blood sugar I sing "time to poke a finger" to the mexican hat dance theme, and dance...they just laugh and hand me a finger........

tell them I'm thinking of going as a vampire for halloween all I seem to do is go around after peoples blood..........

kinda tired from working a double so that's all I can think of at the moment

I say to patients when they're ready for discharge "I hope I never see you again... professionally."
If they're frequent flyers (usually renal patients) I say "I hear you're being paroled."

or my favorite, I'm not really a nuse, or i've never done this before, but i did sleep in a holiday inn last night.

I've got some residents the hold fingers out as soon as they see me coming, I just tell them i'm here to add another hole ...

We also do a lot of stupid dances and such to get the occassional reluctant shower done.