Your Favorite one liner used with patients

To people who complain they can't sleep: "This isn't the Maui Hilton. Get a new travel agent."

When pts ask me how I'm doing: I flatly tell them "I'm here, aren't I?"

...and "no running in the hallways!" to the pt with IV pole, foley bag and sometimes O2 s-l-o-w-l-y up & down the hall.

..at the elevators with the pt in bed or w/c going to dialysis or xray with a transporter I will offer "would you like me to hold the door to the stairs for you?"

For ladies puttering along in labour: "Ok, I'm going to go our in the hall and do my 'Dilation Dance'". Then I usually do a few steps to amuse them.

Before checking a blood sugar-

"Do you want to try poking your nose or ear this time"

Or,

"Where do you want your insulin today- belly, arm, under the big toenail or in the eyeball"

Usually I respong "Well, maybe tomorrow. Loooks like your belly is easier for us today"

Of course, I know my residents really well, and they feel comfortable with me and love the sense of humour.

Or, upon entering a room with a new antibiotic to administer-

"This will cure everything, from herpes, to gonorhea (sp), the plague, your UTI, and of course a bad mood."

They love it.

After I assess my skilled rehab patients and get their vitals, I tell them, "you're in good shape for the shape you're in" and wish them a good night.

I'm not an RN yet....in nursing school....but i work as a medical assistant in an OB/GYN office. Alot of times our older patients complain about the strains of getting older and the doctor will answer "Well, the alternative isn't that great either...." It cracks them up every time!!!! LOL

One of the last things I say to my patients after assessment is, "I think you're going to live". After the initial shock, they laugh.

Sometimes, I'll get asked to do something "when you're free". "Well, I'm never free; affordable, not free!"

When I put on the name band on the wrist and the leg on the patient, they would enquire why on the leg too. I would always say "in case, you get separated from your legs". They would give me a shocked look, and I would say 'nah, just so that if they need to snip off the name band from your wrist, they can still identify you from your leg band.

When I peel off the tegaderm from the patient's IV cannula, sometimes they would go 'ouch', I would say "I didnt feel that"! Usuallly gets a chuckle.

"From my end of the needle, it doesn't hurt at all"

When getting ready for an IM in the backside, I ask "have you ever heard the term grin and bear it? Its your turn to bare it and grin!"