Your Favorite one liner used with patients

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I'm going to be smelling Pepsi for the next few hours!

I've had a resident tell me that once. I looked at her and said "I'm here aren't I? I thought the elevator dropped me off in the seventh circle. Shoot. I'll just go give Satan a piece of my mind!" After we both laughed I never had another problem with her again

I like to play the straight man.

"Good to meet you, sorry it's here" is my favorite opener.

As a tech - "They don't let me play with anything fun, but if you need a soda or something I'm well qualified to get it."

LOL's come in with bruising/ raccoon eyes - "You're the tough old bird came in from that barfight huh?"

If they say "at least I'm alive," (and I stole this from a little old lady).. "they say the devil takes care of his own"

Worse yet, if they're clever too, it's usually worth a smile to admit that I've spent the day's allotment of one-liners!

If the patient complains about the food I tell them it's part of our free, never failing weight loss system. Usually gets a chuckle.
And when greeting patients, "I'd ask how you are today, but you're in my ER so I guess that's saying something."

from my husband, during his emergency bedside echo...is it a boy or a girl?

On cardiac step down unit when drawing arterial blood gases:
This is going to hurt like hell. I am really sorry, but if you hold still, it will be over sooner.

"I'm not going to beg you to take your meds and stay in bed resting your heart, you are welcome to go home AMA... should I get the paper?"

After inserting an IV in an anxious patient: Alright! I got it! Not bad for my first time!

On discharge: "I'll miss you, but I hope I never see you again."

In Home Health:

You don't have to go to the hospital, but when you pass out, I get to call the shots. I can wait.