Your Favorite one liner used with patients - page 22

I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his... Read More

  1. by   carolmaccas66
    Quote from staceylee67
    This is a kind of grumpy one.. I usually only use it about once a year when a patient (Usually a 20-something punk) is constantly arguing with me about everything that he needs to have done. It's fine with me if someone refuses, but when they talk to me like I am a complete idiot that does not know what I am talking about.. I use this one. "I've been a nurse for 15 years.. how long have you been a nurse for?" They usually stop talking in their condescending manner after that.
    I said this to a young patient once, saying I've been a RN for 2 years, though I've done nursing assistant work, and other work in hospitals for neary 26 years now. He just looked at me and replied: 'So?' and he DIDN'T shut up.
    No respect man, I tell you.
  2. by   carolmaccas66
    Patient signing consent form: "Just sign your life away here sir. This document says we nurses are entitled to half of all your wordly goods for helping you out today!" They laugh and then aren't usually as nervous b4 going into theatre. (of course I explain everything and what the form is for as well).
    Works well.
  3. by   Ayrman
    Quote from carolmaccas66
    [/b]

    I don't get it, can you explain this one?
    Mattress tags = "Do not remove this tag under penalty of law except by the consumer." On every new mattress or pillow sold in the US.

    Ayrman
  4. by   ZippyGBR
    Quote from muffie
    when an eagerly anticipated long overdue rather impressive bm is produced i tell my pts that the newspaper will be in to take their picture
    the term we have been known to use is 'not so much as result as a delivery' ...
  5. by   ZippyGBR
    Quote from msn2008
    While pulling tape off male patients, "This won't hurt any more than giving birth" They are too embarrased at that point to whine!
    or ' I bet you didn't realise you were going to get a free wax as well '
  6. by   ZippyGBR
    Quote from sanctuary
    If I have just given a handfull of pills to a patient (common in psych), I'll ask if they rattle when they walk. That usually gets a smile. One fellow cracked himself and me up when he answered, "Oh, I thought it was gas."
    or 'it is right i am part of a conspiracy to make you rattle as you walk '
  7. by   ZippyGBR
    I've often remarked to patients that the spinal unit is the 'Reverse Big Brother House' becasue the 'prize' is getting 'voted out' at ward round by all of Nursing, the Doctors, PT ,OT and Social Work
  8. by   Zippyy
    Quote from BSNtobe2009
    My grandma's favorite saying (when someone is uncomfortable..usually a college-aged male undressing in front of her).

    "I have raised 5 sons and if you have something I haven't seen before I'll pay you to let me see it"
    Or my saying...ive seen more penis' than a hooker....im not gonna be shocked
    you aint got nothing im not gonna see 10 times over in the next hour
  9. by   No Stars In My Eyes
    All of us have had that male patient with wandering hands. I say, pointing to my elbow: "You see that elbow?" (they say "yeah....) "Well, anything from that elbow to my fingertips, you can touch. EVERYTHING ELSE is off-limits!"
  10. by   gentlegiver
    For those who ask if the water I give with thier meds is cold: "I chipped if off the glacier just for you!"

    For those who make faces when I give them thier meds: "They can put a man on the moon but still can't make medicine taste good. Pity!"
  11. by   Jenni811
    Giving a patient a Golytely--- "I never understand why they call it this. Why can't they just call it as it is? Go-lotly." (Usually get a kick out of that)...

    Once golytely is done-- "You just cleaned out your supper from your high school graduation!"
  12. by   Jenni811
    Another one i really like is whenever i do a bladder scan before on a MALE i'll say something like "Its a boy!!!"
    ...Usually not to funny on a female unless you have an elderly lady with a sense of humor haha.
  13. by   cathrn64
    I am a home care nurse. When I discharge pt's I say "I hope to never see you again" or " I"ll see you at Wallmart" I also tell pt's with chronic conditions "I hope to never see you again, but if you need me, I'll be back. You can take that as a threat or a promise!"

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