Your Favorite one liner used with patients

While pulling tape off male patients, "This won't hurt any more than giving birth" They are too embarrased at that point to whine!

"If this hurts, just scream."

And last week I had a mom give birth for the first time. We got along right away. She simply held her breath for a second and smiled. Out popped baby.

I told her that some men show more facial expression while going to the bathroom.

At my former job when I took blood from our adolescent patients, they would sometimes give me a hard time or try to talk me out of it. I just told them that their behaviour was making my hand very shaky and they would have to be quiet to stop the shakes.
The boys would often wear their pants in the style where they are hanging half off their butts. Whatever minor complaint they came in for (usually a headache or cold symptoms--this was in a school) I would just say that its caused by wearing their pants too low. They would pull up their pants with a look of disbelief and then we'd all chuckle (including the patient!)

I've said to a patient once while starting an IV on an easy as cake vein - if I miss you get to practice on me Course I didn't miss - in fact he was so scared and so focused on me talking to him about letting him stick me that he never even felt the poke I was taping it up when he realized it was done.

"What can I do to you, today?" That always gets a smile.

I get a lot of people who say "I hate being in hospitals!" I tell them "well they have to PAY ME to be here".

When I discharge postpartum moms and babies...As Dad is opening car door for mom, I say "So, I'll see you guys back in about a year?" Some of the dads get a little bug-eyed thinking about that...

I like to ask the LOL's as I take their urine for testing, "Do I need to test to see if you are pregnant??" Makes them laugh every time.