Your Favorite one liner used with patients - page 17

I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his... Read More

  1. by   marymack57
    After multiple complaints about a perfectly WONDERFUL aide, I told the patient "I hired her, I didn't RAISE her!" At least the patient had the good grace to blush.
  2. by   peridotgirl
    Quote from weezledawg
    I always tell patients, "You think why you're here is bad? Well, what they forgot to tell you upon admission is that the worst part of all this is the tape removal. There's just no good way to remove tape." And then I tear off all their hair.
    that's a good one. But aren;t you supposed to shave the hair before applying tape...?
  3. by   lpnstudentin2010
    Quote from peridotgirl
    that's a good one. But aren;t you supposed to shave the hair before applying tape...?
    No time I have been a patient have they shaved me for that reason.
  4. by   babydoll99_99
    I work on a mother/baby unit where we do couplet care. I go into the rooms and explain myself then assess mom, then baby.

    For boy babies, just before I open the diaper to check the testes, I say, "Ok do not pee on me, I've already met quota this week." This usually gets chuckles from the parents and them relaxing and telling me about baby peeing on them. :spin:
  5. by   catnip
    I've found with liquid meds, esp the nasty ones the phrase "over the lips, past the gums, look out tummy, here it comes," atleast gets a chuckle before the grimace.
  6. by   workingforskies
    In a perpetually busy ER, a friend was discharging a particularly irate mother of a pediatric patient who was upset about the wait time. After she signed the papers, she followed the nurse out to the nurse’s station and loudly berated her for the wait time. The whole time, the nurse was holding the chart inside her crossed arms and nodding matter-of-factly. At the end of the tirade, the woman caped it off with the line, “…and I pay your salary!!!” At that point, the nurse calmly flipped open the chart, held up the face sheet and said, “Oh look, Medicaid. I pay your insurance.” Then she smiled at her and walked away.
    <o></o>
    The look on that woman’s face was priceless. That was years ago and I still laugh when I think about it.
  7. by   lochness1
    Quote from MarySunshine
    After something unpleasant, like an IV stick or a foley insertion, I can't usually help but say "Now who's your favorite nurse?"

    That's hilarious!
  8. by   lpnstudentin2010
    Quote from MarySunshine
    After something unpleasant, like an IV stick or a foley insertion, I can't usually help but say "Now who's your favorite nurse?"
    My response to you would be to smile and say "Well I know yo don't LIKE doing that." and it would make me feel better

    Quote from TennNurse
    I had a pt a few years ago who was just inexplicably afraid of her IV start. She fussed and fretted and made pitiful little squeaking noises and finally concluded that the best way for her to get through this was "I'll just CLOSE MY EYES". I told her, "That sounds like a great plan, I'll close mine, too." She sort of started and squealed and said, "Oh, no you won't!"
    But it got her laughing and she tolerated her IV start just fine.
    I am a needle phobic, TOTALLY freaked out by needles. Once it is in I am fine, it is it going in that I get freaked. But I usually tell my nurse before when she is preparing, "I will probably freak out, and cry. Don't worry I know you don't like doing it and that I need it but I WILL freak out" I do this now because I have scared some of my nurses.

    Quote from TennNurse
    :roll
    These remind me of a sharp LOL in by ambulance that I was triaging in the room. When I got to the social habits, I asked if she drank any alcohol (no) smoke any cigarettes (no), snort any heroin. Right away she said, "Nope, gave it up for Lent."

    For some reason these questions elicit worry in some pts, so after I've asked about drinking, smoking, and drugs, and they say no to all, I'll ask them if they've removed any tags from mattresses or pillows recently. This always lightens them up.
    When I get asked the first question I go No, No, No and No there you go your answers for the next questions. (Drinking, Smoking, Drugs, Preggers) I then usually get asked am I sure I cant be preggers and I say "Not unless it is an immaculate conception."


    Quote from weezledawg
    "I'm really good at this, amazingly good," when starting IVs.

    I would LOVE you SO MUCH if I was told this.
  9. by   BanoraWhite
    Quote from nursebearfeet
    i once had a patient who complained from the moment i came in the door about every thing. she became very angry when i did not respond to her obvious attemp at provoking me. so, she exclaimed "you have a very nasty attitude" to which i replied " yes, ma'am, so do you."
    i had a patient like that when i was working on christmas eve. she told me to 'go to hell' and i responded with "i'll see you there. merry christmas ! " :wink2:
  10. by   twistedpupchaser
    I was once told that I'm not very nice, my reply left the Pt speechless.

    "You can have nice or goodlooking, not both!"

    Needless to say my supervisor took a dim view of my wit. (Not for the first time.)
  11. by   franciscangypsy
    Some of my favorite one liners for patients:

    While taking a patient's blood sugar: "So... what's your bet today?"

    AND When patients complain that they don't have any blood left to give: "What are you talking about? It's not like you need blood to live or anything..."

    If the blood sugar is high: "Have you been sneaking in donuts when I wasn't looking?" (followed by a dramatic look around the room)

    Coming to reattach the tele monitor leads for the 100th time: "You miss me?" OR "You see, if I don't reattach this, you're going to make the monitor techs think you're dead or something."

    To a patient who is taking a walk per doctor's orders: "You running away?"
  12. by   franciscangypsy
    Oh. Lol. This one was actually a mistake: I was doing an admission to my floor and got to the question about suicide. I asked the patient: "Have you ever thought of committing suicide or committed suicide in the past?" The patient looked at me and said seriously, "Of course I committed suicide before." And then he, his family, my preceptor and I all laughed.

    Whoops.
  13. by   JentheOBRN
    We tag-team the preps for our scheduled C-Sections....when 2 of us walk in together one of us will almost always say..."This is "Ms. Smith" she's from housekeeping, and she'll be putting in your IV...or foley...etc. The first timers look scared and the vets laugh their heads off!!! It really helps break the ice.

    Jennifer

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