Your Favorite one liner used with patients

muffie, RN · Mar 3, 2007

if a pt rings the call bell accidentally, i tell him 2 more false calls and you are out the door, buddy !

theofficegirl · Mar 7, 2007

This happened today:

As I was preparing to draw blood from a patient, he asked the usual question, "You've done this before, right?"

I nodded, and looked at the setup, pointed at the sharp end and said, "I think this end goes in the vein".

lupin · Mar 8, 2007

For removing tape from my extra hairy pt:

"I'm just going to give you a free waxing for the summertime."

For flatus-passing pts (or coworkers):

"Fire in the hole!"

As far as oneliners go, one I'm really proud of is when I was taking care of a borderline personality pt who had been in bed until about 11am while I had been running around giving meds and doing treatments on other pts. I had just gotten to sit down at the desk to start charting and the aides had just released this ball of sunshine upon the world when she ambles up to the desk and asks who will be working on the unit for 3-11. I tell her the names of the staff and she replies, "well are they just going to sit on their a$$es like you do?". I replied with a straight face that I wasn't psychic and I didn't have a crystal ball so I didn't know what they would be doing. She just blinked at me (for a sarcastic person she sure didn't know how to take it) and then waddled over to eat her lunch.

catmom1, BSN, RN · Mar 8, 2007

My grandma's favorite saying (when someone is uncomfortable..usually a college-aged male undressing in front of her).
"I have raised 5 sons and if you have something I haven't seen before I'll pay you to let me see it"

I assume your grandma is a nurse & not just some perverted old lady..... :lol2: (just kidding)

Catmom

alesamayi · Mar 22, 2007

Was not sure where to put this - but it was a definite Freudian Slip on my part.

12 hour shift on a Post Cardiac cath/Angioplasty Unit - first 8 hours I had been through about 8 units PRBC's - 2 sheath pulls - 1 vagal response -being vomited on and sending one to Open Heart. After finally hitting the bathroom and getting a drink - for my lst 4 hours - my charge nurse told me I was picking up another patient. My eyes probably told her I wanted to kill her.

The patient was a walkie talkie coming from outbound area for very early cath in the am - just had to do vitals and meds for him.

I did the paper work and was double checking instructions for bathroom - TV - bed control and call bell. I picked up the call bell and truly intending to tell him if the needed anything just push the red button - I looked him straight in the eye with "if you need anything - JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE"!!!!!!! I wanted to literllay crawl under the bed!!! He asked me if it had been that bad of an evening - I said YES!!! I was just so very very lucky that this man had a wicked sense of humor. Don't think I haver seen a patient laugh so hard!!! He teased me about this for several years.

UM Review RN, ASN, RN · Mar 22, 2007

One of my patients had such a great sense of humor! We were talking about dentists while I was taking vitals, so of course I couldn't resist waiting a couple of seconds after he had the thermometer in his mouth before saying, "So isn't this where I'm supposed to ask you a question that has a long and complex answer that you cannot answer because you have something in your mouth?"

EMSnut45, BSN, RN, EMT-P · Mar 22, 2007

As a tech in the ER, I often instruct patients to change into the very fashionable hospital gowns (yes, the underwear and bra have to come off too...), start IV's, and disrobe them to obtain an EKG. When they complain, I always respond, "Don't you know the three rules of coming to a hospital? You have to get butt naked, freezing cold, and poked full of holes!" It works like a charm! They don't complain anymore!!

ertravelrn · Mar 22, 2007

Of course it always depends on the patients sense of humor, but I like to tell them to remember to be nice to me because I control the morphine.

sister--* · Mar 23, 2007

My favorite when doing an IV or injection is "Don't worry, this is my second time after the...incident. They finally let me back with the real people again"

Don't think I could ever say that to a patient. However, I LOVE IT!!! ROFL

RNtigerEMT · Apr 4, 2007

I know its an older post but........

When raising the bed for any reason(especialy with broken legs, even some amputees) "Now, I'm going to raise your bed up in the air, don't go jumping out, cause I probaly will not be able to catch you in time." Works everytime

Introducing myself.."my name is Gloria, lets gets this straight. Which one of us needs the most help?"

Admission/history questions... "any history of psychological problems?', then to the SO, "You can't answer this question, cause we know what you'll say"LOL

Crux1024 · Apr 6, 2007

I picked up the call bell and truly intending to tell him if the needed anything just push the red button - I looked him straight in the eye with "if you need anything - JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE"!!!!!!! I wanted to literllay crawl under the bed!!! He asked me if it had been that bad of an evening - I said YES!!! I was just so very very lucky that this man had a wicked sense of humor. Don't think I haver seen a patient laugh so hard!!! He teased me about this for several years.

That was the FUNNIEST one on this thread! That is hilarious!!!!:rotfl:

stevesf · Apr 28, 2007

I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his face and my instructors was priceless!! I was curious what other things people have said or say to patients to break the ice.

If the pt seems like they're receptive, I'll walk in with their heparin injection, and tell them that the regular syringe was missing [hold hands a foot apart], this little syringe was all I could find, and will that be OK?

Or, during my initial assessment, [after holding the stethoscope in my hands to warm it up] I'll tell the client that I've just taken it fresh from the freezer, may I listen to your heart?