You might be a nurse if...


  1. *You can drink a pot of coffee and still go to sleep in the morning.

    *You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazapam, and Compazine.

    *Your sense of humor seems to get more warped each year.

    *You think it is acceptable to use "penis" and "vagina" in a normal conversation.

    *You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you havent fallen asleep yet.

    *You believe that if warm wine enemas were routinely ordered, patient complaints would greatly decrease.

    *You hope theres a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.

    *You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.

    *You believe experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.

    *You see stress as a normal way of life.

    *You have a tendency to laugh at your patients "big" problems.

    *You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.

    *You believe the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    *Youve ever been telling work stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw-up.

    *You write a patient report and have to translate it to medical records because of all the acronyms in it.

    *You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.

    *You look in your closet and cant find anything non-medical to wear.

    *You believe all bleeding stops...eventually.

    *You dont get excited about blood loss unless its your own.

    *Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, youve obviously dont understand the situation.

    *You believe if you can keep your head among all this confusion, you obviously dont understand the situation.

    *Everyone gets treated exactly the same...until they piss you off.

    *When you get a call telling you the name of your next admit and you can do the care plan before the patient gets to the floor.

    *When called for orders, the MD says, "Write them yourself; you know the patient better than I do."

    *Youve ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is an emergency.

    *Ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, "No, Ive never had sex."

    *You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.

    *You can eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand, and it doesnt bother you.

    *You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily calorie intake requirements.

    *Youve ever held a 14-gauge needle over someones vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick."

    *You can identify the "PID Shuffle" and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 15 feet.

    *Youve ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "Im afraid of shots."

    *Youve ever thought, "As long as hes got a pulse, I dont care about the rhythm."

    *You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.

    *You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status.

    *You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

    *Your most common assessment question at 2 a.m. is "Why is this an emergency now?"

    *You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.

    *You dont believe 90% of what youre told, and 75% of what you see.

    *You firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.

    *You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.

    *Youve ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I dont know how that got stuck in there."

    *You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol.

    *You can think of another 200 examples of "You Might Be a Nurse If..."
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