All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind
for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet.
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right
off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I
am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I
get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ( Cold wax,
yeah right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight
and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter
of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I
apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the
right half and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was
a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself .RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning,
I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another
deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may
pass out must stay conscious Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me
so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the
glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no
hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on
the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. lady parts? Sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop
off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll
run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only
thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them
glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub in scalding hot
water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the
bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my
butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a
slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does
try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax
is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out
loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I
call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the
joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I
resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to
have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub
in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the
brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure
I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress
counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The
scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's
sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a
hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully
remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and
despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I
recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have
amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
