Toooooo Good ! Andy Rooney on....

  1. >Subject: Andy Rooney Says....
    >
    >1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.
    >Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".
    >
    >2. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
    >Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year
    >to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a
    >few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on
    >the windows.I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals.
    >I
    >think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
    >generate
    >electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
    >that's hooked up to the generator.
    >
    >3. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
    >My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
    >stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying
    >under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how
    >our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to
    >get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
    >
    >4. Andy Rooney on morning differences.
    >Men and women are different in the morning. We men
    >wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we
    >want you.And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in
    >the morning?" It's because we can't see you.We have no blood anywhere near
    >our optic nerve.
    >
    >5. Andy Rooney on phone-in-polls.
    >You know those shows where people call in and vote on
    >different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I
    >don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and They're voting "I
    >don't know."Give me the phone. (Says into the phone) "I DON'T KNOW!"
    >(Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you
    >believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls
    >for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
    >
    >6. Andy Rooney on cripes.
    >My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
    >use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes?
    >The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it.
    >You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
    >
    >7. Andy Rooney on Grandma.
    >My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that
    >says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother
    >that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.Makes you wonder where
    >she
    >got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
    >
    >8. Andy Rooney on answering machines.
    >Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages
    >on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying
    >it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the
    >love." BEEP "
    >Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being
    >positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.."
    >
    >9. Andy Rooney on Monica.
    >Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It
    >seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on
    >her hands and knees.

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  2. 3 Comments

  3. by   NICU_Nurse
    Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

    ROFL!
  4. by   Good_Queen_Bess
    <IMG src=http://www.abestweb.com/smilies/browsmiley.gif> LMAO!!!!!!
  5. by   tattooednursie
    LMAO!!!!!!!

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