Things patients have taught me NOT to do...

This happened during school:

If a demented patient tells you he doesn't want his Lovenox shot and that he will hurt you really bad if you give it to him anyway, it's probably a good idea to have someone hold his hands down while you give it. That man had a DEATH grip on me, and I had marks from where he dug his nails in my skin for like a week.

Also, do not underestimate said patient...they can still hit very hard....which he did after he let go of my hand. Luckily, I hit the safety lock on the syringe cuf if not, it would have gone right into my stomach. Smh...

Don't drink glow sticks. Poison Control took awhile to stop laughing...
And yes, we turned out the lights and made the kid stick out his tongue to see if it glowed. It did.

do not tell me that the foreign object in your bladder is from a pencil lead that you accidentally SWALLOWED....it may be a part of a pencil but we all know what you swallow doesn't end up in the bladder

These have been so interesting... and true!

When coming back from a "smoke break" with friends, do not attempt to cover up the stink of weed with nasty perfume. It just makes the room stinkier, and nurses are smart.

Repeatedly screaming "I can't breathe!" at the top of your lungs is not a convincing argument.

Pain should probably not be rated 10/10 if you can barely stay awake long enough to slur out the word "ten"

Do not poke, massage or pick at already-inflamed genitals and then complain about how much it hurts. And when ambulating in the hallway, do not support your swollen self with your hand while groaning. Not pretty.

Don't stab yourself in the stomach and say it was an armed intruder... that no one else saw.

Don't grab the roll bar of the go-cart as it's rolling.

Nurses - do not lean against side rails, especially if the patient has been hacking and coughing all day long - you might find a special prize has attached itself to your pants.

Don't think you don't need eye protection. (Still doing the follow-up labs for exposure )

Always be as prepared for anything as much as possible.
Always double check.
I am not immune to making the same mistakes I looked down on others for making.

And from my days as a CNA in LTC:

If a patient is having liquid stools, make sure to position the total-lift sling so that the stool won't come out at an inconvenient angle when the patient is up in the air. Also make sure the battery doesn't quit halfway through this particular transfer.

A little old man can and will turn the most innocent comment or situation into an innuendo. Like asking what kind of dessert he likes

Don't take your diabetic family member to Thanksgiving dinner, allow him to overeat, and then keep him out late at night so that by the time he comes back, he pukes all over and has no strength to transfer to bed.

Do not: be a frequent flyer on the renal floor for CRF on dialysis and have your family members bring you table salt to eat so you can get your BP up high enough to get your dilaudid!

Do not mix Miralax in your coffee

Don't throw a baby rattlesnake at your buddy--they inject more venom. You may have a drunken laugh, but he'll end up getting over 120 units of blood and coding more than 20 times before its all over.

Nope dont do that one, not ever, not even to an enemy.

Mahage

Also do not eat your fentanyl patch...this will land you in the ICU for an undetermined amount of time....if you do survive it will also land you a psych consult.........after said psych consult and concurrent discharge........please for goodness sakes do not go into the parking lot of the ER where your boyfriend is waiting to take you home and eat another fentanyl patch that he has so graciously brought you........the second go round might not be so pretty

and from personal experience..........do not have altercations with walls..I promise you the wall will win and you will have a boxers fracture along with 4th and 5th metacarpal fractures.........broken hands in casts prevent you from attending clinicals, which causes you and your instructor much stress!

First of all when your doctor tells you to bring your child to the hospital and you are being watched by children's services, you should bring them in. Second of all don't tell the nurse that your two year old who doesn't know how to chew foods due to the fact that you don't feed him (children's services picked the kid up and found only two cans of food in the whole home) that he ate half a granola bar and show me the other half but when I watched you give him a vienna sausage he couldn't chew it and spit it out of the floor.

Don't call me and tell me your kid has a temperature and when I ask what it is say, "I don't know, I don't have a thermometer."

Don't call the hotline for sick kids and ask me to help you with your homework.