Strangest thing you've heard a co-worker or patient say?

I was drawing labs on a 30-something year old. As I attached the tubes to fill them, he was watching. He looked up and said to me, "How are you going to put that back?" I said, "Put what back?" "My blood." Huh?

I saw a lady who said "the voices are really talkative tonight"... I asked her what they were saying, she says "snap, crackle pop." I looked at her real funny for a sec, then heard her lung sounds as she breathed in. Inspiratory crackles. The woman had named her pulmonary edema after the rice crispy elves.

Then there's the psycho lately who said "are you my poodle?"

Had the sweetest nurse ever taking care of a pt who mumbled a lot-she thought he kept saying his nether region hurt over and over again. he became more agitated...she said "okay, your blank hurts, I got it!!"
He said "NO MY NECK HURTS!" she turned beet red and we all fell over laughing!
Also-
pt refused chest x-ray.
tech asked why?
Pt stated "I have an erection. Come back in five minutes and I'll be ready."
Gross!!!!

omg i almost piddled in my pants

*snort*

I have lots of little old ladies in their late 80s and 90s who visit with their parents regularly.

Ooookay.

I work in a Neuro ICU so too many strange things to list.

One strange thing a pt said to me was while I was trying to get a manual BP "I am keeping this for evidence (manual bp cuff)" I asked "As evidence of what Mr.Jones?" He told me "The crime you committed." I told the pt I wasn't committing any crime just taking his VS. I had to pry the BP cuff away from him to I could continue to take VS on the rest of my patients.

I had a patient tell me that he had "doll parts" and he would walk around adjusting his arms and legs like a robot.

I had another who had syph that went to the brain and all he would say was "ouch ouch ouch yum yum yum"

Had to give an 88 year old female a IM of haldol, after about 20 minutes when I went to re-asses' That shot you gave me made me pregnant, I can feel it moving, please don't tell my son!" Boy it was hard to keep a straight face then.
One other time little 80yo female, said she just came from the sex party with George Bush!!

The other night at work I had a man who was known to hallucinate and see snakes. The pt started seeing snakes so I mentioned it to the resident on call to see if I could give him something to help him go to sleep.

Dr.Joe went into see the patinet and started to ask the pt the usual questions like "where are you?" The pt states he is seeing snakes and didn't really answer the question. So Dr.Joe starts to say "Are you at home,the hospital,on a bus , or a plane.....?" Dr.Bob was also in the room and says "On a plane." Pt repeats what he said. Dr.Bob and I completely lost it and had to leave the room. I kept thinking about the movie "Snakes on a Plane." Dr.Bob was thinking about the same thing. Dr.Joe didn't get it until we started to lose it.

The doc asked if they were poisonus snakes and I told him I never asked. Later I did ask the pt about the snakes being poisonus and the patient said that they wern't. I told the pt that I was glad to know that.

Oh the strange things confused patients say and do. Especially neuro patients.