Solutions For Gas Passers, or Ahem, Irritable Bowel Syndrome When It Strikes At Work

ESCAPEE Definition: A fart that slips out while peeing or forcing poop in a stall.
This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic or embarrassment.
This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police
car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are next to the farter, pretend that
you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for
all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) Definition: When forcing poop,
several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side
effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not
panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so
to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the
nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked
away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air
time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you
avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As
with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work
and is very proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under their arm. Always look around the office for the
Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers
who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without
incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN Definition: A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex reducing the odds
of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

PLOP BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a
dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
PLOP BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid
all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into
the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS.
Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all
doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave
the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of
loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an
escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it
difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become
a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious
if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

FREQUENT FLYER Definition: Someone who keeps going in the bathroom to
check if it is empty. This always looks bad for that person.

Have you ever heard of the "DRAG BUNT?"- that is when you are walking by a bunch of people and farting the whole time, dragging it by the unknowing victims.

Solution? Just remember; everyone from ALL walks of life does it.

CHEERS!

Fran