Share your "problem patient" stories!

I work in long term care where things started disappearing from the top of my med cart and that of the other nurse who works the floor with me. Pens, highlighters, paper clips, can of pop, you name it. Finally we discovered one of our confused resdents would snatch things right off the cart when we weren't looking.

There was a demanding jerk of a patient in 4A and a 165 kg patient in 4B with weeping sores and 2-hour dressing changes to be done every six hours. They put me in 4B and a nurse I shall refer to as Greenie in 4A. I could swear Greenie's patient, JerkWad was deliberately soiling himself rather than ask for the bedpan, but I wasn't sure. The next night, the charge nurse assigned ME to JerkWad and Greenie to HeavyWeight in 4B. About 11 PM, I see JerkWad grunting and groaning and straining himself as if he's about to deliver a calf or something. I asked him if he needed the bedpan, and he said he didn't. But sure enough, a few minutes later, he's proud as punch and announcing "I $hit myself; now you girls are going to have to clean me up."

Greenie sighed and reached for the gloves, but I said, "Oh, no we don't, sir. We'll make sure that you get cleaned up, but we don't have to do it."

"What do you mean?"

"See that guy out there?" (I'm pointing to the shaved-headed, African American weight lifter taking care of the patient in the next room, clearly visible through the doorway.) "I'm going to ask HIM to clean you up. And there's a martial arts instructor down the hall to help him." And then I went and asked the two large, muscular and clearly MALE nurses I'd referred to to clean the guy up. Both of them got it immediately and agreed to help -- as soon as they were caught up with THEIR patients.

After waiting an hour for the guys to come clean him up, JerkWad wasn't quite so smug and started asking a bit more nicely if we would PLEASE clean him up. "You worked very hard to have that stool in bed," I told him. "Just as soon as the guys are free, they'll come clean you up." He got the point and was good -- for about three days. Then he tried the same trick on another female nurse.

Had a confused old guy who was always into something.
He used to be a crafter of eye prostheses.
Yes, he made glass eyes.
Anyway, he loved to work with his hands.

If something could be dismantled, he dismantled it:

*The bed (he got that head board and side rail outta the way!).
*The drinking fountain (hey, gotta mop the floor anyway).
*The fire alarm (and the big broad grin on his face when he saw all the commotion was actually quite funny. We could not be mad at him!)
*The electrical outlet (I got to him just in time before the steel butter knife went in, thenk god!)

He also was an escape artist.
I don't know how many times we had to into emergency seek-and-find mode. People driving by the highway, no doubt, wondering what on earth all these "nurses" were doing briskly walking around the grounds and highway calling, "Daaaaaavid! Daaaaaavid????!"
Or at night with flashlights. That must have looked good. Especially when we were stooped over flashing our lights into the drainage ditches.
One aide found him at the hotdog stand down the road. The aide drove into work with "David" in the front seat.
"Holy cow! Look who I found!!!"

We were so pleased to get a state-of-the-art door alarm system, as you could imagine.
It was just too scary!

Posey vests (which were very common to use back then and that's just the way it was) had no real benefit.
This man was a regular Houdini.
He would have that thing off and was running around the building before you could say "boo!".

We loved him dearly though. He was a sweetheart and we just couldn't get too annoyed.
We suffered more from anxiety that he would get hurt.
We were heartbroken when his disease progressed and he eventually died.

So he was a big problem, but at least he didn't have a mean bone in his body.

Kudos to the last poster!
Some of my most difficult patients who made me consider seriously assisted suicide were also some of my favorites.
They may have been problem patients, but they were still patients, and I have missed several when I heard they died.
Amy

I think I would have told him "at least I pull my own pants up" Geesh!

We have a lady on our unit right now that I swear is going to put me over the edge. As charge I am at the desk in direct line of site into her room. She yells out for someone to come in there every three minutes (and I do mean every three minutes, I timed her). She is not confused. She is used to having her family do EVERYTHING for her and she told me it is our job to come in and help her. I went to her room and told her that she was just one of the 34 patients we have on that unit and that we could not come in to her room every time she called. I told her it was night time and time to go to sleep. I turned out her light. She was so mad. We finally found something to sedate her with. I called the hospitalists who was taking care of her and told him that either they had to discharge her by the time I came back to work on Thursday or bring me in a gun so I could either shoot myself or her. If she is there Thursday, I am calling in sick.

I have a lady in her 90s with dementia...she can be mean as a rattlesnake with the cnas but I just adore this woman! The other day she told me she was cold...so I covered her up and she said " do you know what i want?' and i say " what?"...she replied..." I want a 2 piece bathing suit with a beer so I can lay out in the sun" ...coming from this 80 lb devil was just hilarious to me...I love it!
I have another lady across from my lil devil who always yells out 'ohhhhhhhhhh bring me a pain pill!..bring a whole bottle"....I go to her ask her whats going on and she says ...honey....I tell ya..i know about pain...I have gout".....it was just funny the way she said it. You'd think she was in there giving birth to triplets all breech or sumthin.
Last week I had a 99 yo lady who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled....she came back and told me "that man kissed me...I kissed him back even though he was fat and fluffy'....

I find my pts very amusing @ times...they make a bad day somehow better when they say off the wall stuff that would make anybody smile. I find its a good way to pass the time.

We have a few frequent fliers in the ER with strange diagnoses, usually found on Web MD. One was disoriented and weak until the nurse went to help her put her shoes on. She kicked the nurse and told her it was her "Restless Leg Syndrome". The nurse told her to look it up again, she got the symptoms wrong.

I had one that was a guy, weight 435, c-diff. He would get on the BSC, then want to be back in bed, back on the BSC, back in the bed, literally every 5 minutes. What's worse is he would refuse to wipe himself, and want the aide or nurse to do it, and was almost orgasmic when we did.

I had patients coming out my ears the night I had him, the ER dropped 6 (!) patients on us in 2 hours (4 nurses, no secretary, one aid, and one tele tech who about ruptured her bladder because one of us would have to go in the tele room when she ran to the restroom.) I didin't have time for Mr. "oh, it feels so good..."

The 5th time he called me to the room, I brought a fecal bag and 2 mg of Adivan, which made the "oh, guess it was gas" calls come to a screeching halt. You see, I'd called the doc and said, "Look, Mr X is driving all of us crazy {SBAR}. Either he gets a fecal bag, or 10 mg Haldol."

Doc: "He doesn't need Haldol!"

Me: "No sir, I do. If he doesn't stop, I'm going postal."

I got my fecal, the pt got ativan, and I got 4 hours before it all started again....

I had a client when I did Home Care and I was her HHA. She "claimed" she had osteoporosis, severe arthritis everywhere, low blood sugar, etc... Also her husband who had the real medical problems was getting all the attention from the nurses, and she would get jealous and make up stories of how today she has heart palpatations, and the next she was in so much pain she couldnt drive to the mail "hut" (she lived in a condo complex and the mail box was some distance from her home). Well I did her housecleaning while she was on my a** to clean the place top to bottom (but she was in "pain") and to do $200/wk worth of grocery shopping at 2 different stores (a supermarket and Costco), but she was in "pain". Well one day after busting my a** and making 2 trips back to the store and Costco because I didnt get the right brand of chicken then I didnt get the right size even though she was clear the first time and she complained her BP was high and her sugar was low and her pain was beyond a 10, I made a trip to Costco myself a couple hours later, and I caught her at Costco redhanded driving away in her car! Also she would get my services on Saturday and her daughter was there doing ALL the work. I had enough. I told my home care agency that this lady is taking our agency for a ride! My home care agency called her and her daughter and she was NOT happy.