Share your funniest patient stories...

I had a guy come to triage complaining of painful urination. He did not speak very much English. With my broken Spanish I tried to explain to him how to get a clean catch urine. I told him to clean the head of his penis and then urinate in the cup. A few minutes later the registration clerk and I looked out in the waiting room and saw the man sitting with his cup of urine and his face pained a sort of dark yellow color. He had CLEANED HIS HEAD with the betadine and then urinated in the cup. We had a good laugh.

I remember those days.
One time, we had a patient who was late coming down to the dining room and I went to see what the hold-up was. When I got to her room, she had her butt off her wc seat, knees almost to the floor. She was strangling on the wc belt. She had her hands on the belt at her neck and was turning blue.
The belt was not self-release. It was those old grey Posey belts that went over the pt's lap, criss-crossed in the back and were looped onto the frame of the wc (usually on the funny little jutting-out bars with tiny wheels or plastic caps on the end. I call those little bars "the no-flippers")... ANYWAY...
She could not release herself. Her weight was putting too much tension on the belt. I couldn't even do it. It was awful. I could not shift her, tip the chair, dump her on the floor, had no scissors... I couldn't get that damn belt off. I was just wasting time.
I had to pull the "emergency" call-light and shout like crazy to get help.
Old School nurse rushes in, thrusts the pt's head under the belt and the pt slides to the floor. What the...????.......
:i mbar
I tell ya, those old nurses didn't suffer fools, but they didn't chew you out for anything you didn't deserve. I did not get told off with words, but I did get the exasperated, "Sooooo young" look from the RN.
Pt was fine, thank goodness!
Not proud of that moment

I work actually in a private surgical clinic and I was teaching the patient to apply cold compress on her face for the next 3 days...so I told her you take a bowl and put some ice and water in, don t apply ice on your face but that keep your water really cold and so you can put your compress in without getting out of your bed each 15 minutes...she looked at me and asked very seriously...I don' t understand how will I get the bowl to stay in place on my face???)))...
Have a nice day...sorry for my english I'm french speaking but I make an effort!!

That is awesome!

Reported years ago in Journal of Nursing Jocularity: Patient brought into the ER, extremely hypoglycemic and completely covered with a layer of fine white crystals. Turns out his family poured sugar all over him to bring up his BS before bringing him in.

LMAO!! In clinicals at a SNF there was carpet and we had a few experiences with "The Golden Trail!"

Tonight I came into work and the report from the charge nurse was that the 91 year old man in 14 was on comfort care and actively dying. I went in there to check on him and he appeared to be close to taking his last breath. About 30 minutes later I hear someone calling for help and it was a nurse in there with him. He was sitting on the side of the bed trying to get up to go to the restroom. We got him back into bed with a bed alarm. About 15 minutes later the nurse went back in to put in his foley. He had an ERECTION!! Good for him. Could be the last one he ever has.

Once I was working days on the peadiatric ward what i work on and this girl who I will call chloe to keep confidentiality was sleeping as I was taking her observations she woke up and was sick all over me I never stop getting grief over it

One of my patients told me this story today.


He used to be a cartographer(map maker) and he used to give lectures on his work. Basically it was the same lecture each time.
One day he was coming home from a lecture. And his neighbor "Hazel" would always rag on him for giving the same lecture. Today was no different. She said I suppose you gave that same old lecture again. He told her that he talked about sex. and went in his house. He told his wife that he talked about surfing during his lecture. And then goes to change. His wife and the neighbor are in living room talking... and he can over hear. the neighbor comments I can't believe what George talked about in his lecture today. And his wife said I can't believe it either-he's only tried it twice and fell off both times!!
Names have been changed to protect patient privacy

i look alot younger than i am!! I'm a first year nurse, i will be 22 in may but i look to be about 16 years old (no joke!). I'm very young looking, and the fact i'm pretty petite doesnt help. i'm a good nurse (for a 1st year anyway) but i'm always getting the confused patients and i walk into my "confused patients" room to introduce myself and i here is this little old lady

"OoOoO you are so cute honey. Come to grandma!!!" i kinda looked around and she keeps saying "Come to grandma" and she is talking in a baby voice holding her arms out to me. I just ignore it and introduce myself (she had no idea what i was talking about). My Aide i had assigned to me that day...who is about maybe 25 or 26 years old walks in and the patient goes
"Is this your mommy?"

Ok i look ALOT younger than i am (it gets the best of me sometimes...) but i dont look that freaking young haha. I still get picked on to this day...."Come to grandma"