Share your funniest patient stories...

We have one too. In our ER it is right outside the patient bathroom, in the hallway. We don't have a cover over ours, though. Guess where the drunks usually go....and the looks from the LOLs walking by to use the REAL restroom .

I was doing an admission assessment on an elderly mountain man at a transitional care center. Needed to know if he was continent so I asked him if he made it to the bathroom when he had to pee. He said he did, so I next asked, "And how about your bowels?" He politely replied, "To tell you the truth, ma'am, they're so shrunk up, I can't hardly see 'em anymore."

Thats classic!

OMG, that sounds like something you could only read in an elderly e-mail..... That is priceless..... Thanks for sharing...

Since they were "so shrunk up", he needed some PRUNE JUICE!!!

It was my first time administering an enema, so I had the patient in position and was using a disposable enema bottle. I thought I was doing it perfectly, squeezing the bottle with not too much force. Except, the solution in the bottle didn't seem to be going anywhere. Definitely not into the patient. After what seemed like forever, I used more pressure and started really trying to force the solution out.
Nothing worked so I ran to get another student to come help me. She looked at the bottle, looked at me and said, "uhm...the cap is still on."
My face turned so red, I quickly looked at the patient hoping she didn't hear but sure enough her head was turned back looking at me and she said:
"That gives a new meaning to trying to put a cap in my a*s!!"

Oh I'll never live that one down..

My entire career I have been an OB nurse. But after a few years off I took a Refresher course and ended up working a Med/Surg Floor in a small town hospital. Most of the patients were quite elderly and I found them to be an absolute delight. My favorite was a spry old fellow (97) whose eyes just sparkled with mischief all the time. The first time I helped him up to the bathroom I stepped outside to give him a little privacy and then went back in to hand him tissue. I balled up a bunch of tissue and handed it to him. He looked at the tissue and then up at me. Then he very patiently tore off two squares of the tissue. He folded them together, then in half and then in half again. Now he had about a 2x2" piece of Toilet Paper. He then used that to wipe his behind. When he was finished he looked up at me and said, "Save the rest of that for some other time, it's only a tiny hole anyway".
Loved that guy. He went home happy and healthy.

STUDENT NURSE BLUES
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Crazy Naked Lady
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To understand from where I am coming from, you have to know my school believes in eating their young. >>
As the ever paranoid nursing student (me) was getting his patient set up, so she could take her own bed bath, she asked him to wash her back before leaving. No problem, so I thought. My instructor wanted a report on my patient’s condition, along with her physical, social, financial, and family assessment. I knew that she would be here at any minute and I wanted to take care of my patient before she showed up. >>
When I help my patients take a bath or any thing that has to do with removing clothes, particularly females I like to help keep their dignity as much as possible. Sign of a good little nursing student, right? Well that did not happen. You see my elderly patient was a little on the “energetic” side you see. As she put it, she like being nude and it did not bother her that anybody was around to see. So, as I was trying to keep her gown on as she was taking it off. I thought great, my instructor is going to be here any minute and crazy naked lady is going to get me kicked out of nursing school. Yup, at that same exact time, my instructor came in pulled the curtain back only to have the gown tossed at her, underwear flying off in the opposite direction. I do not know if I was suffering from pure embarrassment or terror, but I saw my future as a nurse slip way. Being the ever calm caring instructor that she was, the one that comes from the school of eating their young, she did not say a word to me as she finished helping me with my patient. She tried to put some clothes on her with no success. Quietly she pulled me out and away from the patient’s room, looked with a grave stare,( oh !@# I'm done ) and busted out laughing. She ended up being one of my favorite teachers. >>
John RN >>

I have to agree. When I started nursing, it was routine to posey people to anything. I remember one old man had TWO poseys on, one frontways and one backwards, because he was so good at getting out of them. I accepted this as a part of nursing, and did my best to keep them on him. Now, it's rare that I see a posey vest. These people are usually placed up near the nursing station so that we can keep an eye on them. The whole ward knows them, even the cleaner, and we all keep an eye on them to keep them safe. I can't count how many demented patients I've seen sitting near the desk with a heart table in front of them, covered with magazines, knitting, biscuits, cups of tea and anything else that will hold their attention for a while.
I've nursed people on the floor now, for their own safety, which would be unheard of in the past. We even have 'bus stops' in the hallway, so that they can sit there and wait for the bus. (Or the train, if that's their desire) Things have certainly changed, and I think for the better. If necessary, we will get an orderly to sit with a patient, or a nurse if we have enough staff, to ensure their safety, rather than tying them up. A lot more humane, even though it causes more stress for the staff.

I worked at a SNF, where an elderly male hung himself (did not die) was found blue, and the posey around his neck. There were several incidences where residents were found with posey's around their neck, or in bad positions. Probably because they were trying to get out of them. Also the geri chairs, they were always
trying to "escape", I can also remember when putting them to bed, we would have to posey them to the bed.
So I agree we've come along way, for the better